Putting Things Into Perspective

My oldest sister, who is also my best friend, has never wavered in her faith. In fact, as I've mentioned in previous posts, she is one of the major reasons I've re-converted. Plus, she's been my biggest supporter.

Just the other day, she mentioned to me that her spirituality has been waning lately because she knows she's not been doing the things consistently that enable her to have the spirit with her all of the time. I asked her what she meant, thinking it would be something like not thinking of others as much, not being as charitable or not preparing adequatetly for the sacrament. These things, to me, are above my radar at this point as I'm still working on the fundamentals and basics; that's my opinion anyway. Not like I don't try to be charitable and all, I just don't use it as a guage for my spirituality.

You know what she said? She said she hadn't been reading her scriptures or praying every day. She said it just like that. And you could have knocked me over with a feather!

If someone of her spiritual depth- there's no other way to put it, is having difficulty with what I consider to be the very fundamental cornerstones of having a relationship with God, then well...I should really be less hard on myself!

I sit in church sometimes and look around at all the people that are there, thinking that surely lifetime members such as these, with such religious ferver must absolutely be at least reading scriptures and saying prayers daily. I never dreamed that it wouldn't be the case - or that might be a challenging area for even devout members.

I was humbled too. If someone like my sister struggles with the same things that I struggle with, then maybe I've got less work to do than I thought to be close to God. Perhaps I'm not as far back on the path as I thought I was. And perhaps I can muddle through a little bit longer.

It's sad but her challenges brought great hope to me.

The Challenge

We were challenged to submit 5 names for temple ordinances this year. I have been faithfully doing genealogy for a year and a half but so far, have yet to get any names organized to submit...until today. Well, that's not true. I actually submitted then about a month ago but today, I got the cards out and organized them so that the baptisms could be done. There were 10 female names, and 15 male names, along with a couple sealing. Plus, I downloaded about 30 more names from my recent, and very fruitful, trip to see my great-Aunt who had a pedigree chart clear back to the early 1700's on one line. So, I have met my challenge.

For last year's challenge, I was 3 months late in finishing the Book of Mormon, but I did finish. This year, I will have finished the New Testament and I'm only about 4 chapters away. It was a goal this year, and I'm happy to have achieved it. Next year's goal will be more difficult...The Old Testament. Do you feel my pain?

Another Fast Sunday

I didn't go to church last Sunday which was bad, bad, bad. Knowing myself the way I do, I should know that going each week is like hitting the gas station. I need that fill-up!

So by this Sunday, I was ready to quit entirely, isn't that so bad? I'm so tired of all the crap with my husband. It's as if he's got a license to be a jerk whenever he feels like it, and whenever I call him on it, he just reacts as if everything he's doing, I should expect, and that I deserve it too. I'm so tired of it...so so tired!

The worst thing is knowing that if I did stop going to church, he would be like a new man! He would start treating me SO much better and my quality of life around the house would improve monumentally. It's such a temptation, believe me!

But if I haven't given up yet, no sense in doing it now. My little "oil lamp" has gone a little dry in recent months from my lack if diligence, something I am stridently working on.

But today's Fast Sunday, and Testimony Meeting were amazing. I didn't want to fast today, interesting especially considering how much I love to fast. No, I don't love to fast, but I love the blessings. They're truly awesome. I couldn't have been the only person to feel the almost palpable spirit in that room today. I cried so hard I thought I was making a scene. I caught the lady sitting across the aisle from me watching me carefully - especially since I was so caught up in my own emotions, I wasn't really watching my daugher as she caroused like she was at a birthday party. Ooops.

Then, later in Sunday School, our teacher made a comment that struck me so hard. I was still feeling the spirit very strong so when she made a referral to Heavenly Father, it caused me to think of him in a new way. I found myself comparing him to the most loving person I've ever met, and then knowing he's even more so. I've often found it difficult to visualize who I am praying to, but with this new representation, I am much more at ease. I prayed later with this thought in my head and I literally felt as if I was finally talking to a friend, someone who wanted to hear me, was interested in all I had to say, wanted to comfort me and wanted to forgive me for making stupid decisions. It was probably the most profound thing that's happened to me in months. Sadly, as the day wore on and the spirit left, so did part of that feeling but I won't let it entirely slip away. It felt too good.

I've been feeling so empty lately, wondering what the heck my life is even good for. I'm no good at so many things. I spread myself so thin that I never get anything really done. I try to be a good mother and wife, but even there I can't be sure I'm making a difference. But our lesson in SS was on the millenium. It gave me hope to remember that's part of what we're working toward. I so want to be there to do the temple work, and especially to know what it's like to live on this earth for that many years in utter peace. What a thrilling thought! To never worry about the ozone, wars, politics, health insurance, etc. So great!

Children

There's a routine I do on Sunday mornings to ensure that Nat comes to church with me instead of opting to stay home with dad. He won't force her so if she voices her decision, that's it. She's home. So if I get to her first and can get her psyched to go, then she's with me. This morning it didn't work out and she decided she wanted to stay home. I did manage to get her alone and talk her into going, thank goodness. It was a good day for her to be at church because I'd been asked to help out in nursery.

During the few minutes between when she'd decided to stay vs. go, I was left in a dilemma. For so many months, I've almost been taking for granted that she'll come with me to church. I'd almost forgotten that that's one of the main reasons I'm going at all was to teach her and give her a good foundation. It suddenly became VERY clear why I needed to be diligent and strong. For her!

I needed that!

In the end, it was a great day. The nursery leaders have been taking the older nursery kids into Primary Opening Exercises to get them ready for the change at the first of the year. It was good to see what we're working toward.

It was a great wake-up call!

My Readers

When I first created this blog, it was an outlet. That's all. It was here just to help me remember where I've been, and how far I've come.

It has now become sort of an accountability tool. A way to help me remember what I am doing and why. It keeps me present, always remembering what the heck I'm working toward.

And for many months, I only had a straggler reader come by. I have put this blog on the Mormon Blog list so that people looking to read other Mormon's thoughts, can access it. Of course, that's where most of my referrals come from. But I'm surprised by how many people regularly read this blog. Many of you come back several times a week and I'm sorry; I wish I could post on here more than I do. I wish that I had inspirational thoughts every few days but I just don't.

I truly value each and every visitor who comes to my site and I am so grateful for those of you who have left me your kind words of hope and encouragement. I look forward to many more, and as my readership grows, I know that my testimony will also. I pray that my word can bring someone comfort who is going through what I have. Thank you so much for coming by!

And for the one in Trabuco Canyon, I would love for you to drop me a comment. Not to embarrass or single you out but you're a regular lurker and I wish I knew what brings you here :). If you don't want to, don't feel pressured. You're still welcome and I love to see your visit whenever you stop by.

Take care all! Happy church-going tomorrow. I can't wait!

Steep Learning Curve

I went to the temple last Wednesday and had such a great experience. I meant to write some of it down so I wouldn't forget but I got busy. I can still remember a few poignant moments that I should at least document though.

Usually when I go to the temple, I fast to receive the spirit. But since it was a weekday, I decided not to do it. From the moment I was getting dressed in the dressing room, I was overwhelmed with the spirit. It was so great because I knew I was shedding worldy garments for the similar ones I would wear for eternity and it was a comfort to know that it's all beautiful in the Lord's sight. I do feel beautiful in my temple gown.

During the session, I learned many new things. I've never had such a visit where so many new things came to me throughout the session. Things I've seen and heard many times before were as if they were being said brand new and I understood them very differently.

This is an example without going into sacred detail:

On my "other" blog, that same day I mentioned how stupid I feel when I look back and realize sometimes how silly my behavior has been at various times in my life. I'm often ashamed of how I acted or what I was doing or whatever. I even posted a quote to that affect, something about how we do things according to what we know, and when we know better, we do things different. That whole feeling came to me in the temple as I was thinking about the expanse of eternity. We've all been "alive" for time beyond concept. And we will continue to exist for eternity. And an eternity from now, I will look back at my time here on earth as a small sliver, a short experience, and shake my head at my miserable excuse for wisdom. My mind is blown away by how far in the distance I may be when I look back upon my life - what will I be doing? Where will I be? What will I know? Who will I be with? What will He think of me? What will I think of myself? I've never thought of myself that relatively. Being in the temple helped me step out of this moment in time enough to see that, in perspective, how short this slight existence really is, and how it will really only be a single experience to glance back upon. It will be as short to me...then, as a single day is to me now. It's amazing and humbling.

Can I not perservere when it is so clear that it will be over very nearly before it's even begun?

Just a Memory

When I was 16, I had a boyfriend named Jason. I was a naughty girl and was doing things that my parents would not have approved of.

I snuck out a lot when I was a teenager. Jason was so cool. I met him at a club and he drove a beautiful white porche. He was graduated from high school already and what he saw in me, I'll never know. But I was reckless, carefree, dangerous and those were probably enticing. Thinking back, if I had a son, I wouldn't want him coming within 10 miles of a girl like me.

I forgot to mention that to my surprise, Jason was raised mormon too although like me, he was not interested in the slightest.

One night I snuck out and we were out walking in a park at around midnight. I'd been thinking a lot about my life and my how my parents responded to me, and what I needed to do to correct the path I was on. I casually said,

"Jason, do you want to be good?"
"What?"
"Let's be good! Do you want to?"

He knew exactly what I meant because I think I might have explained what I meant.

"Hell no!" is what he finally replied.

I dropped it! I never brought it up again and I let him persuade me that what we were doing was more fun. Well, for a teenager it actually was. For an adult it's more FUN - if that's what life were really all about; but it's not.

When I married my husband, who as you already know was raised LDS also, I stupidly expected that someday, he'd want to "be good" too. And that when he did, I could just jump on his bandwagon and away we'd go to the Celestial Kingdom. I'd never have to be the strong one all by myself.

I never realized that his antipathy was real. That he didn't believe deep down inside that someday he'd lean the other way, like I did. I never for one instant thought I'd be on my own with this, because if I had I might have been more careful with my decisions.

I'm used to my life plans being exacted out precisely. I've not had a single deviation from what the intended plan was. If someone were to ask me 10 years ago where I'd be today, it would be nearly exactly where I am (the only deviation is my place with church). So when my husband did not concur with my plan, it threw me. I've been very strong in other places & times in my life: divorce, education, overcoming childhood trauma, marital strife, childbirth & child rearing. But I never anticipated that my strength would be required and tested in this way. It's killing me. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore! I know it's a test but aren't tests timed? Ugh!

Family History

One of the ways I've been able to make some sense out of coming back into the church was to do family history. It is very therapeutic. I'm answering questions about who I am, how I've become who I am (because of traits of ancestors), and discovering that strength is a family characteristic.

I've got many lines in my family that were never members of the LDS church and therefore, do not have any genealogy done. I've spent many hours in the past year and a half working on finding out who these people were. And the more I do, the more obsessed I become.

I took my first disc of names to the temple about 5 months ago, got all of the little blue & pink cards to submit...and then promptly lost them. I am tearing my hair out trying to find them. I'm not a disorganized person at all! I've prayed to find them and looked everywhere but they are nowhere! Someone told me that Satan doesn't want them found, and I'm sure that's the truth. What's eating me up is that one of the names was the single person that got me interested in doing the work in the first place, and I can feel her restlessness as I search for the little cards.

I plan to go to the temple this Wednesday and if I haven't found them by then (which is unlikely because it's already been 5 months), then I think I'll go back in and reconfigure my PAF file so I can take another disc up there. It's a lot of work but it will be worth it. I just wish I could find that envelope!

New Resolve

I am so grateful for the tools that we latter day saints have at our disposal. Having General Conference is wonderful; being able to TIVO conference for our convenience is awesome. Additionally, if you don't like that format, it's provided in the written word the following month. And now, you can download it for free from iTunes as a podcast to listen to whenever (which is my preferred method). You can even download the entire Ensign magazine conference report to your handheld device or computer for free to read when you're in the doctor's office or standing in a line. I like that method too because you can annotate it on your computer and easily refer back to the parts that affected you the most.

We have scriptures also in every format as well as all of the church publications. I carry my handheld (iPaq) to church every Sunday and that's it. It has my scriptures, hymnbook, gospel principles, gospel doctrine and relief society manual on it, not to mention every Ensign I have ever downloaded. It's amazing!

For those of us who live in Utah, we have a plethora of neighbors who are LDS, and a church within walking distance. We have activities several times of month, as well as the weekly block of meetings. Additionally, as if that weren't enough, we Utah mormons all have a temple (again within usually a 10-15 minute drive - though we could walk if we had to).

And then there's the music...CD's, broadcasts, TV, iPod, what have you. It's all available to those who want it.

Compare this to early mormons who usually managed to meet weekly although sometimes at risk of their own lives. Most eventually were able to get copies of the Book of Mormon I suppose but the contrast is quite clear. A church building...how about a member's home. And temples...well, we know that story. There were no publications, no manuals, no general conference address broadcast over the world. I guess they can one-up us in that Joseph Smith was their neighbor and consequently, were able to learn first-hand from him.

We take for granted these wonderful blessings that are here to help strengthen our testimonies and convictions. Are we utilizing these tools? All of the resources put in place to help us?

Life is hard, and staying resolved to increase our testimonies is a constant struggle. Even with all of the resources, it can be difficult to stay focused on our true goal.

I have decided to begin fasting weekly again, and I started today. I decided that because since I stopped several months ago, I've never had such faith-building experiences as when I was fasting for my marriage. And although my marriage has made giant steps, it is still far from its intended goal. And the edges of that goal were starting to grow fuzzy. I hadn't lost sight of it but I wasn't having the faith in it like I was when I was fasting. I also believe that the reasons why my marriage is the way it is now, is because of my fasting. Like I said in my last post, such strident results can not be just from my own feeble efforts.

I am excited by my new resolve and have such faith in its potential. My strongest testimony is of fasting. It's truly amazing.

Some Perspective

I have a new friend who moved into my ward that I have become fairly good friends with. I was giving her some history on my situation the other day and in re-capping it, found that my testimony had increased without even realizing it.

When I look back on the past year, I am amazed by how far I have come! Only 10 months ago, my husband was not speaking to me and regarded me as the hired help. He loathed me, and was repulsed by my garments. He was rude, bitter and antagonistic with any comment he made regarding the church.

Today, he is loving and attentive. Although he falls into bad habits at times, for the most part when discussing my "church habits", he is teasing. He does not impede my efforts to get my daughter to church, and has even helped me from time-to-time getting her ready to go.

Had you told me back in January that we would have come this far in just a few 10 months, I'd have told you it was impossible. But that's where my testimony lies. Here it is just so I can always refer back to it:

I believe in the Atonement. When I have been taught to do what I can, and the Savior's Atonement will make up the difference, that's exactly what he meant. I've thought a lot about this and I did what I could. I fasted every week for what seemed like eternity. I went to the temple regardless of the diversity. I stuck to my guns and never denied my faith, and in fact stuck up for it under a strain that nearly dissolved my marriage. I read, prayed and attended my meetings regularly even when it made my husband angry. I gave up coffee, alcohol, shopping on Sunday, wearing tank tops & mini-skirts, running on Sunday, and 10% of my earnings. I did these things because the Lord asked me to. And then I prayed for more help. These things were not things a marriage counselor would typically associate with "working on your marriage". But I did these things anyway. And the Lord made up the balance. He filled in the gaps where he knew I needed help. I knew that both me and my husband were unable to do anything more to make our marriage better. All that had been done, was done. Now, my husband says our marriage is better than it was before we had our daughter, and I agree. That's a miracle. The only thing that would have been more a miracle would have been if an angel came down and told me that the Lord intended to help me. I'm so humbled by this and it was good to say it out loud. I have been so blessed.

Sometimes I get wallowing in my self-pity and wondering when things are going to change. I keep praying for my husband to have this great "change of heart" but I have to look back and see that he already has. I can't expect a 180 degree turn in 10 months. The Lord can do that but it's better if it comes a little at a time.

Books and Music

On one end of the spectrum, they can be evil & filthy. On the other side, they can be beautiful and uplifting. What are we experiencing?

I bring this up today because of a terrific talk I experienced today in Sacrament. I know, I'm always going off about fantastic speakers; that's just because I'm fortunate enough to live in a ward with highly intelligent & spiritual people who are willing to share their beautiful thoughts.

A new member (again) spoke today and he was so riveting I found myself completing ignoring my daughter as she proceeded to create a small tornado in the bench beside me. He talked about the value of learning. His beginning line of thinking discussed how many actual hours we spend in the actual classroom as we go throughout our education. He said by the time we get out of high school, we've spent approximately 18,000 hours of our time in a learning situation. He continued along this vein including a bachelor's degree, plus homework time to a whopping 28,000 hours of instruction. But then he compared it to the amount of time each of us puts forth in learning about our own faith, the gospel and the plan of salvation. These things are far more mysterious than chemical bonding or the works of Shakespeare. But most of us are not willing to give even a fraction of that time to earnest learning, self-instruction etc.

He gave many scriptural references to this affect as if to say, "see, if you'd bother to search the scriptures from time to time, you'd see it's all in here!" I personally don't give myself too hard a time about scripture study because I think that term is loose and is more directed at members who have actually read all of the scriptures from cover-to-cover first. How can you search the scriptures if you've never even read them? That's why I'm on a quest to finish them first. I've got the Book of Mormon accomplished, and am now nearly complete with the New Testament. Two down, three to go!

I was just inspired by his talk and the work I should be doing to increase my faith. That was his premise, after all. Faith, followed by works increases faith which encourages more works... Faith without works is dead. I loved it. It was so simple. That's what this whole Plan of Salvation is...so simple. It really is. We, as humankind, make it so difficult though! How hard is it to get up in the morning and do a little download to the Lord, read the scriptures...help a friend or not-friend, love our families, do a second download to the Lord again before you climb in bed. Don't steal, don't murder, don't lie...don't cheat on your wife, listen to him. Do what he asks. Be happy.

Our Relief Society lesson was also really good. It was on marriage and as it opened, I saw that the teacher had a bunch of pictures of couples doing photos outside of the temples (those wedding day pictures mormons are so familiar with). There was like 6 pictures on the table and I almost got up and walked out right then. My sister-in-law and her husband were just sealed in the temple yesterday and I'm still smarting from the injustice of it all. I just think I've made more mistakes and have a bigger bill to pay. Anyway, so I almost walked out but something told me to stay.

I stayed, and the longer I stayed, the more I felt I needed to stay so I knew what I should be teaching my daughter about eternal marriage. That felt like a good reason so I got comfortable. The lesson was mainly on how to make a marriage work. Again, it was like a simple little recipe. One of the most important points given was to be unselfish. She (and a few others she called up to testify to this truth) said that you can't reap what you haven't sown. If you spend your marital life doing your best to put your partner first, it all comes around, and you will enjoy the fruits of your own labor. I thought hard about that while she spoke and I could actually envsion that in my own life. My husband is quite a different person when I spend more time thinking about him instead of just me and the little girl. Although things around my house have been SO SO SO SO much better, we will sink into complacency though and this may be the best way to get things back on track each and every time.

I got home from church and my husband had sunk into his little hidey hole. That means he has retreated into his mind and is a little sullen. I don't know what prompts these little sulky bursts, and I wish I did. After 12 years, you'd think I could figure them out. If I had to guess, I'd say it's related to church although he's done this for a long time so I don't think it solely related to church. He was completely fine yesterday. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very gracious. I asked him if he was hungry to which he said no. 10 minutes later, he was in the house making himself a sandwich. Go figure.

Lord, I'm doing my best with what I gave myself. Have patience with me.

Oh, the music thing, I almost forgot. During sacrament, the choir sang. I'm sort of starting to like our choir. Their choice of song today was really beautiful and I sat there welling up as I often do during a musical number. I had an inspiration right then. I feel the spirit most often when I fast, and when I hear music. I struggle so much to feel the spirit in my home during the week. The thought occurred to me that I should get better music and play it in my home. I know, I know! This is such a absurdly simple thought for other mormon mothers who have figured this out ages ago, but I'm a little slow in the uptake.

I think that between the music and the books, I might really have something! Pray for me please!

Sunday's Blessings...Again

A few talks on Sunday inspired me. Actually, one of the members of our stake presidency ended up having to speak because the regular speaker was sick. He had to run home and get a "recycled" talk so he would have something intelligent to say. It was a great talk! I was so happy to be there!

The premise of the talk was that there are 5 things we need to do to get our "golden ticket" to the CK!

1. Pray daily
2. Study scriptures daily
3. Be humble
4. Be charitable
5. Have a personal testimony of Christ

Easy enough? Probably, if you're not like me and analyze the whole thing to death! I try to do those things but it gets so jumbled sometimes and I know that it's just Satan's way of trying to convalute the simple things in life.

I try to read my scriptures daily. And when I actually have sat down, and got them open it's very easy. I have a very, very strong testimony of, prior to reading, asking for enlightenment, and it's almost as if I have the gift of tongues or something. All of the sudden, everything makes perfect sense and I now I'm being blessed to an enormous extent...right then! It's amazing!

I have a harder time being humble and praying daily. I'm talking to a dial tone sometimes and I know it's because I haven't prepared properly or I'm letting my mind drift. I lose interest. It's sad becuase I know I'm missing a lot of blessings by not being humble enough to spill my heart.

Being humble and charitable are more intangible and nebulous. If we were humble and charitable in all situations, I wonder what that would look like. What would we be like?

About the testimony of Christ part, I know that can't happen in a day. It needs to build over time like a skyscraper. I'm still building my foundation and it's probaly stronger than I think because I've gotten this far on my own.

Again, I'm so so so grateful for Sundays. They are keeping me on track and a blessing in and of themselves. My lifeline! Where would I be without them?

I got a card from a lady at church yesterday. She isn't necessarily a great friend but I was so touched I wanted to document it for the future. Here it is:

"Amy,

The other day, I was thinking about my life and some of the choices I've got before me and you came to my mind.

Your determination and dedication have been such a great example to me. The comments you make in Relief Society and to me personally and the faith which you exhibit give me strength and resolve to do better and to keep a positive attitude.

Please know that I admire you and I also enjoy seeing your beautiful smile.

Thanks for being who you are."

I absolutely do not deserve these compliments. I am doing some hard things but it's not because I'm so awesome or anything. It's because I know I have to pay the piper! I screwed up bad! I spent a lot of good years wasting my body, my health, and my time! All the good things I could have been doing, the better choices I could have made could have put me in a better situation that would have inevitably put my children in better situations. I have nothing to "pat myself on the back" for, literally! I'm "coming to Jesus", "paying the piper", "suckin' it up", "eatin' crow!" It's easy to admit because it's so true; somebody's gotta pay the price and this time, it's me!

Little Funk

Haven't posted anything for a while mainly because I'm in a little slump.

When I was a new convert, so many blessings were flooding into my life, and I was working hard to be diligent and the sacrifices and changes I was making were causing my focus to go upward. Lately however, I have less conflict in my marriage (much less), and my old habits are starting to form. Not things like coffee or beer or anything like that. Just more subtle things like my selfishness, not praying like I was, having to really nudge myself to read my scriptures each day. Things like that.

I still am going to church each Sunday and without that, I'd stagnate, for sure. It really is my lifeline right now. It's what keeps me motivated, and I'm sure it was designed to be that way. I have started to read an autobiography of one of my great-great-great-great grandfathers, John Lowe Butler. He happened to be one of Joseph Smith's bodyguards and was a sort of Porter Rockwell type. I am hoping that when I'm able to see the sacrifices that he and his family made, it will inspire me to be more faithful.

Regardless of all I'm currently going through, I still do have a strong testimony of this gospel and I don't think that will ever change. I think I'm going through what is probably a very common ebb & flow. I hope that it will soon pass and I will be on the upswing as that is a far more desirable feeling than this one of not feeling like I'm doing all of the right things.

Another Funeral...Thoughts & Feelings

Today T and I went to his grandmother's funeral in D. She had suffered from dementia for more than 6 years when she had a strokek and eventually her condition detiorated from there. And although T had vehemently told me he'd never step into another church (LDS) with me again - conveniently when it was my nephew's baptism a few months ago (he doesn't love to do stuff with my family - he hasn't put in the effort to make it important to him), he was there sitting at my side in the ward house in D.

I felt the spirit so strong today and was so happy about it because if I could feel it that strong, then no doubt he could feel it a little by default, right? It was a closed casket until when just the family was in the room and it was opened for final respects. I've been to a few other funerals of temple worthy members but had forgotten they are dressed in their full temple dress, apron and all. As they placed the veil on her head, I was overwhelmed with the fact that she was with her Heavenly Father and the spirit made me catch my breath. I wondered what T thought of her clothing, and the veil, as he looked at her. As far as I know, this is the first funeral he's been to of a temple worthy member.

Later, I wondered how he respond to the talks now that I sat beside him, as a member. They sang, "Where Can I Turn for Peace", which is my favorite hymn. I wanted to sing loudly so he could hear but I found I could only sing parts and I knew he was aware of my tears. Later, his mother spoke and in the latter part of her talk, she spoke of the gospel, its importance in her and her mother's lives; what death meant to members; and the promises we've been made about the hereafter. He was listening although I don't know what he "heard".

At one point in the service, I was so aware of the thinness of the veil and felt myself so apart from so much of the temporalness of the world. I saw how irrelevant and inane so many things that we spend a great deal worrying about, truly are. I was acutely aware of those that had passed before, and the instantaneous relevations about what is truly real, and what was just of and for this world. I wished my work was done so I could be shed of these cares and move on to what I perceive to be more important. I then realized that whatever it is I'm doing here is more important because obviously it's not done...I'm still here. I pray that my purpose is to have an influence in N's life because if I'm gone, there's no hope for her to be raised in the church. I pray also that I am here to influence T, and hopefully to remain here after he's gone to seal us together.

Later, in the car he asked me how it was possible that his grandmother was sealed to his grandfather after his death. I hadn't realized this was the case and he obviously learned it during the funeral at some point when I had zoned. He seemed upset about it. I said that evidently he had asked her to do it and he disagreed as if it were impossible. He said, "I knew him. He'd never do that and how can he talk to her anyway; he's dead!" I said, "Don't pretend to know all there is to know about everything. You only know what is on this earth." He tried to get me to promise I'd never seal him to me after he died. I was amused because according to him, he doesn't even believe in the afterlife and I said so. He really is funny because he once again, felt himself caught between his heart and his mind and had nothing to say. He finally lamely said he just didn't want people in the future to look back and see his name associated with anything remotely related to the church. I told him that when I die, I don't care if they throw my body into a meat-packing plant. I hope he understood the analogy and got the point about how contradictory his arguments are. What I finally said is that if he never changes his mind at some point, he's going to have to send me a mighty big sign that he wants to be sealed. He said, "don't worry, it'll never happen" to which I just said, "we'll see." What I really wanted to say was, "when you get to the spirit world, let the first thing you do is to go find your grandfather and have him explain why he accepted the sealing.

Now he's very grumpy and even a little hostile and I'm sad but I have a feeling to just let him be. Today was a little bit of overload for him and he needs to process it. If my purpose is to be a good example, I just need to ride the wave.

This Week's Lift

It's true...Sunday is truly a lift for me. Yeah, it's summertime and beautiful and my pool and gardening are so TEMPTING as I strike off for church each Sunday morning but I am always glad I went. Even if I don't see my friends or make my social calls during the meetings. I'm always inspired at some level. Last week it was the 10 Virgins parable and today, well it was everything.

I have really been struggling lately though to tell the truth. Since I realized that conflict was not the best way to approach this situation with Todd, things have become so much more peaceful around here. I am truly enjoying my marriage, and life is good once again. Todd is still negative but the softening is obvious and I wouldn't use the word antagonistic anymore. When we talk, there aren't the hateful words anymore...just an overall negativity which is good seeing as it's only been 6 months since I went to the temple.

Anyway, since I digress easily I'll get back to the point. Conflict...was the glue to my testimony and I hate that. It created such a need in me for the Lord to comfort me. I found myself always turning to him for peace, comfort, understanding because of the animocity that was filling my house. Since that has gone away, so has much of my need for Him, and that's hard for me to say.

I've found myself really, really struggling to remember to pray and read my scriptures each day. Temptation has eased its way into my life in so many ways that I've struggled so much to keep it at bay. Stupid things like not being able to get up in the morning so that I can set my day in order, get my scriptures read consistently...and other temptations that frustrate me always like being patient, kind, and even going to the temple.

Each week I try to find ways to get me back into that groove I fell out of but nothing has seemed to work consistently. I look forward to Sunday each week to give me that boost that I lack during the week. This is what I got from the meetings this week:

Our opening hymn in Sacrament was about Joseph Smith and how he is communing with the Gods now after he struggled so hard in his life. Then, our 2nd speaker discussed Joseph Smith and what an inspiration he was and what sacrifices he made so that we could be where we are. I decided that I need to delve more into the lives of people who have sacrificed greatly to have what I have to perhaps find the inspiration I'm lacking. My feelings were also reinforced that I need to include the Savior in my day-to-day decisions to add an element of spirituality to my "temporal" duties.

Later, in Relif Society, we had a wonderful lesson from a new lady who really did an excellent job. She spoke at length about how keeping God's commandments can bless us. I thought mainly about how keeping the Word of Wisdom has been such a good example of my dedication to the Lord for Todd because he watches me so carefully. He is aware of how difficult it is for me not to have a beer (I LOVE BEER) and to have that cup of coffee each morning (I DOUBLE LOVE COFFEE), as well as some of the other commandments like wearing garments, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, going to church each Sunday etc. I know we've been blessed because of the things I'm doing and I know that some of his "softening" is because he knows that I really do believe and it's not just a passing trend for me.

Beside all that, there's still so much to learn and I am trying to figure out this Sacrament ordiance! I take it, and have Natalie take it; I listen to the words; and try to think of Christ or talk to Nat about Christ while we prepare but I'm so black & white - it's really hard for me to think in symbolism. Am I really clean after I take it? What if I forgot to pray for repentence the night before - what if I did pray for repentence the night before but then right before I left for church, I told Todd he was a jackass (not so kind, right?). It didn't really happen but very well could have! Am I clean then? Should I take the sacrament? If I do, what does it mean? I wanted to bring it up in Gospel Doctrine this morning but I felt like such a greenhorn I didn't. Sometimes people make fun of me for being so black & white.

Anyway, I feel pretty good now. I'm rejuvinated and need to find a biography of Joseph Smith or maybe Emma Smith. Those people gave up way more than I did. He got tarred & feathered for what he believed! That's amazing!

Probably the 2nd greatest thing I got today was that I finally got the strong sense that God is wiser than me...like a parent. He has asked us to obey his commandments because he knows more than us. We may think we know a lot but so do our small children and being grown-ups now, we can see that particular disparity! How can we possibly think we know more than God and that his commandments are not worth keeping? It is wonderful to think that although he can't control people's agency, he will always comfort us when the result turns out bad. In fact, I wanted to write this little thought:

"A child can fall down while walking right beside her father and that doesn't mean her father allowed it to happen. But, being her father, he will comfort her as much as he can and make it alright."

That's our Heavenly Father, and he does comfort me when I'm sad; that much I know.

Later when I got home from church, Todd told me that pregnant mom was found buried in a local national park. We talked at length about the 2 year old who had been home alone for 2 days and how scared he must have been. This isn't fabricated in the slightest: I had the most distinct impression that child was not alone at all during that whole time. In fact, I am 100% confidant there was an actual "being" in the room holding that baby the whole time, caring and comforting him so he wasn't scared. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Jesus wouldn't leave his little child alone like that. It might even have been his mom.

10 Virgins

I've been going back to church long enough to have the lesson of the 10 virgins parable several times. I understand what it means now but each lesson is no less profound for me. Today though I feel like some good information was added to it and I wanted to get it down. Whenever we're talking about the amount of lamp oil the girls have, it is to indicate each virgin's level of preparedness to meet the Savior at the 2nd coming. The parable is to help us understand that we need to be adequately prepared when He comes so that he knows us. Being the personality I am, I so wish it was black & white - that there was a checklist I could carry around so I knew exactly what was expected of me each day in order to "make it". No such luck. I guess I'm not the only person with this problem. That's probably why some other people have said they get scared when they hear this parable.

Mother's Day

I could have done without this particular week. . It's interesting how even after so many good things can happen in one's life, a single event can completely and utterly overshadow all else. That was my week and interestingly enough, it was an terrible event with Todd that overshadowed the rest of a rather good week. It's just that we've had a relatively good past 2 months where it's been tense somewhat but no big blowouts. And then this week was a humongous blowout, and I found out it was because of Women's Conference. I guess he thinks I'm "living my own life" and that's true. And if I were him, I'd feel bad too. And, although I know how much comfort and protection I can receive from the Savior, I sometimes don't rely on him and use the Atonement in this situation as much as I should. But he still helps me, provides me moments of obvious intervention at critical times, that I am so grateful for. We went to our counselor and although Natalie ended up being there as well, we were able to re-connect briefly to help us "shed our fig leaves" for a moment and remember that we are still trying to keep this marriage together.

I did pray while this was going on as to whether staying with him was the right choice. Being without him would be so much easier in so many ways but I kept getting the answer that I need to hang in there. I got the specific feeling several times that this is just a hiccup in a rather slow but steady incline, and to give up now would be like jumping ship after the storm's over. It sure didn't feel like the storm was over this week and I thought it would sure feel good to jump and as hard as it is to stay and be treated the way I am, I think the Lord will take care of this for me. I have to just do what he says - ALL that he says.

I was gone Friday & Saturday to Boise for my Ellen's babyshower. Yes, she's having a baby in 2 weeks - this is her 2nd. Yes, I cried when I found out she was pregnant again because I hate that I'm not the one who is going to have another. I hate that I've made so many bad decisions that have put me where I am. I have built my little house and now I have to live in it. But....I suppose that I have to be grateful that I found the tool to get me out before I bricked myself completely in. I have to have faith that if I do what I know I need to be doing, that he will enable me to have another baby. I do know it's what he wants from me. He will make it happen if I do my part.

I got home from Boise at 11:30 last night and was not able to get up to go to church this morning. I was so tired and Nat needed extra sleep too from that long drive. So we stayed with Todd which was nice for once. He was considerate to me today. We went to lunch then shopping for Natalie's summer clothes; something that Todd would not usually be included in but it was actually a pleasant experience and he let me buy whatever I wanted for her, and even a few things for myself. There was not one harsh word between us so perhaps there is hope.

For the 2nd time in 2 weeks, Todd has mentioned his desire for another baby. He said it today how he needs a little boy to play ball with before he is too old. I'm so scared: as much as I want one, I'm so scared for what our future holds. It's scary enough with just one baby, let alone two. It's so much responsibility for as tenuous as our lives are right now.

Women's Conference

This past Friday, I went to BYU Women's Conference and the theme this year was "Thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this." What an elaborate and well choreographed event this was! I swear there were literally thousands upon thousands of people there just that day. I was very impressed. I went to a few very good lectures. The first was on the redeeming power of the Atonement, the 2nd was about Fasting & Praying, and the third, my personal favorite was about creating harmonious families with less-active members. This latter one I hope to someday find published somewhere because both speakers were excellent! The first one discussed her 50-year marriage to a man who was not a member, and the second described her relationship with her father who had never become a member. This last one was like hearing Natalie talk in 20 years about her father and it struck me like a brick in my head and I just cried. What rediculous and silly choices I have made in my younger years are having such a profound influence upon my daughter!

2 Nephi 2:2
Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

I looked up "consecrate" in the dictionary and it means: to make (something) an object of honor or veneration; hallow

I'm like the next person and have had my share of troubles/challenges/problems etc. And when I read this scripture I can't help but feel built up. It has been a hard lesson to learn that your challenges are with us to make us stronger. The Lord does not give them to us indiscriminantly without purpose. To "consecrate thine aflictions for thy gain" means that he will use them to make us better. HE will use them, not WE will use them. We have to remember that we don't have much to do with it other than to set our own will.

Something someone said at Women's Conference was very interesting and I don't want to forget it. She said that our free will was the ONLY thing we had to freely give away and that's why the Lord wants it. Everything else we have are things he's given to us and can take away at any moment. He is not allowed, by the laws he created, to take our will. If we love him, we will give it to him to prove that we not only TRUST him (it's the whole have a bird, set it free...if it loves you it'll come back dealio), but realize that he knows and wants what's best for us and will guide us if we let him.

So back to the consecration thing. We give up our free will, we let him do the talking. He will make things hard for us and that's when we get to the trust part. We have to trust that the hard stuff he deals out is for our own good. He doesn't want to see us suffer...he wants to see us rise above it, stand taller, be better. He wants us to learn and know that he will be there to support us when the challenge becomes too hard for us alone to bear. After all, we're still only the children of men.

New Developments

Had a new development on the Todd front today. Some days are marital set-backs but we've been doing well for the past couple of weeks which is a change. Todd has been increasingly frustrated with my financial management set of skills, or lack of skills to put it better and so recently, took "control" of the money. He put it all in a little account that I don't have access to, and said he'd pay the bills. Yes, all of the little issues this behavior raises are not lost on me and I do feel like a child who'se butt has been spanked. So I work and I make money that only I have access to so I get to avoid asking daddy for money if I want something. But it turns out he's no financial Steven Hawking himself. Let me just say there have been problems and so I offered to help out a bit. I've given my services to help him remember when certain bills are due, and last night offered to help pay some of them that were due right now. So I paid them with our billpayer service, on-line whatever and then needed the money transferred into our joint account which is something only he can do because of the password. Well I called him this morning to remind him to transfer the money but he seemed really busy. He asked me if I could do it, and I said sure but I'd need the password to he account. He actually gave it to me. Now this might seem really stupid and petty but we're talking about huge trust issues here. Since the temple thing, he's been so angry and trust hasn't been high on his list of virtues. This gesture he's made is a big step between the two of us working together on something.

I told my counselor tonight that our marriage veered off on a course of its own after I went to the temple and it would never be the same again. You can be scared of change like Todd is but it's obviously going in a positive direction if we can learn how to work together in different and new ways. I trust Todd a little more each day and for the first time in a long time, feel like he's my partner and not my enemy. I know Heavenly Father must love me to continue to help me the way he does. Do I deserve it? No. Am I grateful? Yes.

Every Day New Blessings

It's been over a month since my last post and yet so much has happened that should have been written down. I think of it all the time that I should be writing this stuff down but I get involved in other things, and forget.

I wanted to write down my latest experience with scripture reading. I finally finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time about a week before I went to the temple. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. And right after that I started in on the New Testament. This week, I will finish the gospels so I'm moving right along.

As part of my extensive New Year's resolutions, I decided I would make it a point to read every single day despite all. And for a while I was wondering what blessings this was bringing to my life because I sure wasn't noticing anything. So I decided to stop reading for a whole week, but do everything else the same and see what happened. This is what happened:

I fasted Sunday and decided that I couldn't NOT read because they go hand-in-hand. So I felt great that day.

Monday, I didn't read, but meant to pray but by the end of the day realized I'd forgotten even to pray in the morning. I decided I'd remember to pray the next day.

Tuesday I forgot to pray again until late and promised myself I'd remember to pray the next day.

By Wednesday, I realized that I remember to pray because I do it before I read my scriptures and if I'm forgetting to pray, it's as a result of my not reading....

Thursday, I prayed and didn't read but it felt a little empty.

Friday I forgot to pray again

Saturday I actually wanted to read my scriptures although I can't remember why - I think it was because I missed that "closeness" I feel when I pray and read my scriptures every day.

And by Saturday night my testimony was in place. By failing to read my scriptures, I am not giving myself that mental tickler to also pray and therefore depriving myself of that special nudge each morning to help me remember what it is I want to focus on for that day. My prayers in the morning are typically more extensive than those at night since I'm tired so not only was I not filling myself up each morning, I wasn't praying like I should.

This was all about two weeks ago and since then I am so grateful for the blessings of the scriptures and prayer, especially the combination. If nothing else happens each day, I read...and pray. And when I do, I feel peaceful, focused, grounded. I know what is expected of me, and am prepared to do it. I no longer expect to be edified by every single verse I read. It's a grounding tool for me and I am so thankful for it.

Today was a fabulous day at church. From the moment I entered the building, I felt the spirit and it was SO strong. Each song we sang filled me up, and the speakers during Sacrament meeting were sooo good. Both speakers discussed the atonement and how we can use it in our lives - a topic that is fascinating to me. There are so many facets that I still don't understand but what I do understand gives me such peace and areas for growth. It's amazing how much more even is available to us and yet most of us just barely skim the surface. I read a book recently called "The Peacegiver" - I actually think I might have mentioned it on this blog before possibly, but it talked in great detail about the Atonement and I was astonished at all the levels, and how we can apply it. It truly is a miracle that we are blessed with something so wonderful and likely don't even know to what extent that gift can change or affect our lives.

BTW, update on my better half: I came to a new conclusion (inspired??? - more likely than not) that to pray for contention in my home is asking Satan to live here, more or less. I've been praying for the contention to remain in our home so that complacency doesn't. What I mean is that the longer Todd and I experience contetention, he will be under pressure to analyze his feelings, attitudes, thoughts etc. When the pressure eases up, my belief is that he (like a lot of men I know) will fall back into a comfortable place of complacency and not challenge himself to look at the world in a new perspective. We only really ever do this when we are in a state of agitation, don't we? However, I made a promise to him about 3 weeks ago that I would LAY OFF and how did he say it?...."get off my ass". Hmm. I said okay that I'd try it and then if and only if he was rude, would I get "back on" to stretch his term a little more. As a result of this, shall we call it wisdom, we've had 3 weeks of relative peace! And I feel the spirit sometimes! So my enlightenment that I received today was that this peace is what is going to bring himi around, not the contention. The term "Satan is the father of contention" kept ringing in my head and that's when I realized I'd been going at it wrong. It's truly been lovely to actually get along for an extended period of time. It's been so long since we've had peace.

My Nephew's Baptism - Planning

My newphew, Porter, is getting baptized next Saturday and it's really exciting. He's the baby of a 5 person family and I can't believe he's 8 now! I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday; in fact I was there was he was born. I looked at him before he took his first breath!

So I'm planning on going to the baptism and taking Natalie. She's never seen a baptism before and I've begun prepping her. I'm singing a Primary baptism song and talking to her about it so she gets excited. I know that as soft-hearted as Todd is, he won't be able to deny his little girl one of her fondest wishes. And that when she's ready and old enough to be baptized, he's going to have a hard time telling her "no" if its what she really wants.

Anyway so I was telling Todd about the baptism tonight and he said "I'll pass". It really hurt my feelings because I was planning to go to one of "his" neice's baptisms until it was rescheduled for a time we couldn't go, and now he won't come to a baptism on my side. I think it's convenient that I'm an active member and it gives him an excuse for not going. He said it would be a long time before he ever goes into a church with me again - and that was his reasoning. I told him that I thought it might hurt my sister's feelings that he didn't come. He said it wasn't about her and that he wasn't going to support anyone in the mormon religion doing mormon things.

You know what I think? I think he's selfish. He's willing to sacrifice the feelings of people whom he says he cares about because he's holding a grudge. And all I can say is that if that's the alternative, I'm glad I have the gospel. He is a miserable person who mires in misery. He doesn't let things go, prefering to slog through negativity, bad feelings, and pessimism instead of working to improve your way of thinking, and viewing the world. I am an optomistic person who prefers to look toward the sunshine instead of stand in the rain. I feel bad for him because that's how he wants to live his life. I want to be happy, and I believe he does to but he's too busy being miserable to see that other people are happy - and to investigate as to how exactly they got that way! I'd hoped that I would be a good example to him, and that once he saw how blissfully happy I am, and all the positive changes I'm making in my life, that he would be intrigued and interested in moving in this direction further. But I was wrong, at least at this point.

I fasted again today. I wish I remembered when I started fasting every Sunday but it seems like it's been about 6 months now give or take. I lay there this morning thinking about it and wondered how long I would have to fast for. I decided, when I started, that I would fast for as long as it took for Todd to come to church with us. I knew it would be a long time but I don't think I ever really put a date or timeframe on it. Now, I'm starting to think that it will be a realy long time from now. And I thought of stopping. But at church today, a young girl played a song on the piano. It was a cross-compilation of two songs: "Army of Helamen" and "How Great Shall Be Your Joy", and it was one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I cried while she played. In fact, the next speaker after her could hardly even talk when he stood up because he'd been crying too. It was so amazing! And the words to those two songs were playing in my mind during the piece and it came to me that I was indeed to keep fasting, that it was important that I continue. As much as it is so hard to do it ever Sunday, I feel at peace because I know that I am not alone in it. I pray that the Lord will help me through it and reward me for my diligence eventually. I so want my family to be together in this. It will bring us such peace and happiness. I have to believe that this is a goal worth pursuing!

Glen Beck

I was extremely sick last week and while I was, I spent a lot of time on the computer just surfing around wasting time. I visited a lot of blog-sites which is fastly becoming a favorite past-time of mine. I visited a blog that made a reference to Glen Beck and his testimoy. I was confused and followed the link to another blog that discussed Glen Beck being a mormon and how he'd been interviewed by CBS and now his testimony was all over the internet. I followed the link, very interested. I really like Glen Beck and have listened to him for several years in the afternoon on the radio on my way home from work. I never got the feeling from him that he was affiliated with any religious entity, not to mention the LDS religion. Needless to say I was quite stunned when I found out he was mormon. The link dropped me onto the the www.YouTube.com website where the interview could be viewed. It was about 8 minutes long and I watched it with surprise. Yes, he was discussing his conversion, his testimony, his family, his feelings and lots of stuff along that vein. He cried. I was stunned at some of the things he was saying about his faith on national television. He was very brave. Through it all, I felt very near to tears. I felt the spirit so strong while I watched it and was quite moved! While I watched it, I thought, "what a wonderful testament to the gospel," and wondered how anyone who watched it could still be a protagonist to the LDS church. I was so interested to find out how it was received that I decided to read the comments section after. I fully expected to see people responding to the spirit they felt, even if they didn't know that's what it was. But I was again, STUNNED to read HATEFUL, heated, antagonistic, rude, and argumentative comments. Of the 10 or so comments I read, it seemed I only read one favorable blurb. Everyone else was seriously so HATEFUL I wondered if they viewed the same clip I did!

I felt sad for those people. They are so full of the influence of satan that they can't see around those blinders. The spirit they undoubtedly felt while watching the clip was so violently misinterpreted by the advesary that they had to vehementenly object in such a hateful manner so not to be influenced by anything good. I'm not great with words here because I'm just speaking the thoughts that spill from my brain and I don't care if they're articulate or not. But I just think that the advesary has such a clutch on so many people and I cry with shame at the way the world treats our Savior.

You people who are hateful and want only to tear down the mormon religion, you need to understand something! We feel good inside! We are trying only to better our lives! We want to be closer to God whether you believe in him or not - we do! We're not asking that you change! We just want you to understand what your Savior did for you!

One night in Gethsemane (a garden outside of Jerusalem) Christ spent all night on his knees to God. Satan was there with him and tempted him with EVERY SINGLE SIN THAT MAN HAD EVER, AND HAS EVER COMMITTED. That means he was tempted by sex, pornography, alcohol, gold, riches, fame, selfishness and every other single thing that any of you or me has been tempted by. Satan was there causing him to be tormented by these sins but Christ WITHSTOOD them all! How did he do that? I can barely stop from drinking a cup of coffee and yet he stood up to ALL sins! And then, if that weren't enough, to fulfill the natural laws of balance, he allowed himself to be crucified because if we were all able to be forgiven of our sins, someone had to die that HAD NEVER SINNED BEFORE!

And you repay him for these acts of pure selflessness by cursing and saying hateful things about us when all we want to do is be better people. I don't hate you. I feel sad that you can't see what he did for you. You're depriving yourself of a joy that I can't even express to you!

Glen Beck is amazing and quite brave for saying all of those things on national television. I'd like to think I would be so bold. He had so much to lose! His ratings are his livlihood and he didn't care if he lost it! What does that tell you? Are we stupid people? Do you think we would sacrifice all of the wonderful things this world has to offer unless there was something better? HELLO - I think wine is yummy! I think coffee is the drink of angels! But God has more important things for me to be doing and so I listen BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!

I'm just saying that somewhere in your heart, your good angel is talking to you. You owe it to yourself to listen just for a minute to find out if there's more to Christ (and maybe even the mormon religion) than just being a TOOL, whatever that means.

Death

Likely it will come as little surprise to my readers that I live in Utah. Specifically I live in Salt Lake City and was inadvertently involved in the recent Trolley Square shootings. My old neighbor's son, Brad Frantz, was killed along with his girlfriend while at the mall for dinner this past Monday night, February 12th. A young man came in and indiscriminantly began shooting whomever he saw. Unfortunately it was Brad and his girlfriend that he saw, among 3 others that were also killed that night.

My husband and I went to his funeral yesterday afternoon. Over 300 people showed up; the outpouring of support was wonderful. I haven't seen my old neighbors for over a year since we moved out of the neighborhood and wished like crazy the circumstances for seeing them were different. My husband and I have discussed probably a hundred times in the past year about having them over for a barbeque or dinner or something. We feel awful that we never extended the invitation now.

Although I could continue along the lines of discussing Brad and his life, I already did that in my other, less "religious" blog. This one I've strictly dedicated to my faith and haven't shared the website with anyone lest my husband chance to see it and be upset about its content.

I'd like to discuss my feelings about the actual death of my friend, Brad. I'd also like to contrast those feelings to ones I might have had prior to my rediscovery of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've always been a very tender-hearted person. My heart hurts when I think of the pain of another person. I cry easily and am very emotional. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. I don't care - it's who I am. Music especially tweaks my tear ducts and I always reach for a tissue in church when the music starts. I just can't help it. I've always cried at funerals, and it never mattered whose it was. I've gone to a lot of funerals for people I really don't even know well just to support someone I do know well and always end up crying anyway.

This funeral was for someone I knew well. I enjoyed his company immensely and thought highly of him, even if his values weren't the same as mine. They used to be. We got to know each other because of our late night "beer nights" when Todd and me, June and Steve (Brad's parents) and Brad would hang out in the backyard until 2am getting sloshed and "BSing". I've changed and I'm okay that others continue to live their lives a different way.

Anyway.......so for Brad, someone I knew well, I should have been crying a river! There was no reason why I shouldn't have found it sad beyond belief. This boy was young, only 24! He had just received a wonderful promotion at work, had met a girl whom it sounded like he was quite serious with, and had a 3 year old daughter whom he absolutely adored. Things were going so well for him and it was cut short so tragically! But I didn't cry. I could't make myself!

OK, let's not lie. I did get quite teary eyed when I hugged his mother, June, and when I think about how his little girl won't ever know her daddy. Those things make me so sad I can't hardly think straight.

But I didn't cry for Brad. I just KNOW he's still around. I can feel it! I don't know why this happened to him. I can't explain it. And if I could explain it, it would mean I have knowledge that would blow my inner-sensibilities. It's likely that with that kind of understanding that I wouldn't necessarily need to be here anymore myself! No, I don't understand. What I do know is that he understands now. He's with our Savior! I know he's being educated now; learning about the Plan of Salvation and all the things that he was unable to learn on earth for his progression. He's beyond the veil and is happy. All of his suffering, worries, doubts, fears, inadequacies - they're gone, just like that! How amazing will that be? I have to say, and I sin when I do, that I'm just a wee bit envious of where he is, and that he's been spared of all the world's cruelty. I'm not envious that he doesn't get to participate in the raising of his daughter. I would never willingly give that up, but overall I just think that where he is, is where I want to be!

And so my sadness for him does not exist. How can we be sad for someone who obviously is blissfully happy where he is? What can I possibly be sad for? He has passed into a place where he's surrounded by love, acceptance, understanding and knowledge. I'll save my sadness for his mother who will miss him beyond measure.

If I contrast these feelings to those I'd have had for this same funeral even a year ago, you'd have thought I was a different person. I'd have despaired and been confused, hurt, frustrated, and engulfed in sadness for the loss of opportunities. I'd have been frustrated that in the birth of so many good things in his life, he was jerked so rudely away, and in such a tragic way. It can be seen both ways I think.

By dying in the manner he did, Brad was able to see such love poured out on him. So many people at his funeral saying such wonderful things. I'm sure it touched his heart.

I expressed to Todd how I felt about Brad being alive still, just in another place. He said it was just my opinion. But I felt so strongly about it being the truth that I just said "No, it's not my opinion. It's the truth!" And he didn't say another thing. Sometimes I can just FEEL the spirit in the room when I talk to him and I can only use that to explain why he doesn't feel inclined to "talk back" to me or argue.

All in all, this was such a faith promoting experience for me. I am so at peace and calmed by my faith in the Lord. He can't protect everyone and prevent all bad things from happening. That would go against his entire plan; I understand that. But to know what is waiting for us on the other side is a wonderful gift to hold onto during the trials we face in this life.

Gets Better

I noticed that my last post was at 6:45 on Monday. What's funny is that I should have waited and made that post the next day because of what happened even a little later that evening.

We got Nat put to bed and I went back in my office to tidy up and do some filing. All the sudden, here comes Todd into my office and he stands there in the doorway. I figured he was there to put his phone on the charger or something but instead he took my hand and took me into the bedroom. I was so confused and a little nervous. I told him I had my garments on and he said he didn't care.

When it was over, we laid there and he cried and told me how sorry he was for being so hard-headed and stubborn. He said that all I'd said last night made good sense to him and he hadn' felt so happy in several months. He said he'd do his best to try to put all this behind us and that he'd try hard to be a better husband. It touched so so much.

Of course I am realistic. I know that Todd was under the pressure of divorce when he changed his mind. I hated doing that but at least it got us over the steepest part of the mountain. I doubt that Todd will be able to keep all of the promises he made, but I do think he'll try. Things won't be perfect but at least he's my husband again, and that's what I really wanted mostly.

The Lord has provided me a miracle when I was starting to doubt my ability to be blessed wtih more. My faith was diminishing a little bit and then he gave me what I wanted the most.

What I've learned from this is that the Lord is absolutely capable of all things. And if I want my family to be joined together in following the Lord because it will bring us closer together, then if I sacrifice enough, and demonstrate my love and faith to him enough, he will eventually give me what he feels I need. This is a righteous desire. The timing may not be appropriate right now. I still have much to atone for but the time will come when I believe the Lord will feel it proper for my family to receive this blessing. And until this happens, I will continue fasting each Sunday to earn it.

The Lord's Blessings

Just as I was considering not fasting every week anymore because I figured I was in for a long haul and it's pretty hard to fast every week, something happened that restored my faith.

My post yesterday described the sad state of my heart; I was so down. I used the "divorce" word and I suppose it worked. Todd came to me late in the evening after the kiddo was in bed and started to talk again to me. He was humble, and quiet and listened to all I said. I talked a lot to him in spiritual terms, explaining so much that I've wanted to say for so long but he was never in the right frame of mind to hear.

I told him I wanted my husband back, and that no, I didn't really want a divorce; I just want to have hope that we will be okay. I felt the spirit so much during that whole conversation and he would have to be made of cement to not feel it too. It was so encouraging.

I had no idea how the conversation would impact actual life and the end of the discussion happened abruptly when he said he was going to bed and "g'night". He came home early today to work on the basement and shortly after, right in front of Nat, he came to me and gave me a big hug. Not only that, but he kissed me on my forehead. He didn't actally say anything but it didn't matter - I knew what he was trying to say. It was so special and amazing and I felt wonderful.

Needless to say, I am not going to discontinue my fasting. In fact, I prayed last night that the Lord not bring absolute peace too soon to my family because once there is peace in our home, there will be no more opportunities to share the spirit with him in heart-to-heart discussions like the ones we've been having. They only occur when we're desperate. I'm willing to make a sacrifice for a greater promise later. I know the Lord can give it to us, and he will. It will just take some more time.

Not Such a Happy Day

It's Sunday again about 5pm. Time to end my fast. It's been a hard day but that's typical for Sundays. It seems that the combination of factors are aligned to cause a fight. First and foremost are the adversary because I'm fasting. Second is that Todd is home, and third, I'm going to church on Sundays. Put the three together, and it's a fight. Perhaps I should consider fasting another day.

Todd's still not giving me so much as a hug. I said, "I love you" on the phone the other day, and he said, "you too" which is actually really a big step but I'm still pretty frustrated. He just doesn't seem to have an inner-indicator that tells him when enough is enough or when he's gone over the edge of being inappropriate. Today our fight was about something silly but he changed it to be about my going to church and of course the temple. I finally said that it didn't appear that he was ever going to change his behavior toward me and that I had a responsiblity to Natalie. I can't let Natalie grow up believing that this is the proper way for a man to treat his wife. And that's it. I hope it didn't come out as a threat, although I'm sure he took it that way, but I told him that I couldn't stay around much longer if he was going to continue to behave that way. I told him that if it weren't for Nat, I'd subject myself to it for much longer but for her sake, I just can't.

I have to use the "divorce" card more frequently than I like to, but I do because it works. He knows I can easily support Natalie and myself with a really good life. I could buy a house and have a terrifically paying job tomorrow and never even blink. Not to mention that he knows that I'd get custody of Nat. Sometimes I hate that I am so capable because it makes it easier to play the card, but at other times, I'm just so grateful I have it.

During the course of our discussion, he grumbled that it was likely that he certainly would get over the fact that I'm wearing garments. What he was having a hard time digesting was that he doesn't feel that I included him on the decision to change his life. Which is false of course. I talked with him as much as I could. He had to sign the letter. I even asked him to talk to the Bishop about it but he refused. I think what he is talking about is that I didn't make my decision in accord with what he desired. That would have been the only acceptable course of action on my part. He's only looking at it from his perspective. He thinks I didn't think about him at all. And to me, that is so far from the truth, that when he says it, I almost want to cry. Okay, most of the time I do cry. It hurts so badly for him to think that I am that selfish. He has no concept of really why I did what I did, and whom I really did it for. Yes, I did it for me. But I wouldn't have done it right now (of all times) JUST for me, especially knowing how he felt about it. But of course he can't see that and won't.

I wish my life would be put on fast forward. I want to get to the part where he finally remembers, and appreciates the sacrifices that I felt compelled to make for us, and especially for Natalie. Honestly if it weren't, again, for Natalie I probably wouldn't have even gone back to church. But I did. And I'm so glad I did. It was the most right thing I've ever done in this world except for become a mother.

Plodding Along

Do you ever feel like you live for Sunday? I never thought I'd say that or feel like that, for that matter. But when Sunday comes around, I know I'm going to a place where I can be around other people who feel like I do, and feel the spirit despite whatever argument I've been in prior to coming which is very often the case in our home.

Our Relief Society lessons this year are based on the teachings of President Kimball and the lesson yesterday was about adversity. It seemed to relate more to the death of someone close, but much of it related to everyday challenges we face in life, and enduring. I am always very interested in talks or articles or scriptures relating to this topic because usually they inspire me to keep on in times of hardship, which virtually describes my entire relationshp with Todd.

It seems that regardless of what ever else is going on with Todd and I - whatever project or activity we're engaged in together, there is this underlying thread of "mormonism" that pervades all of our interactions. Sometimes we can go several days without even discussing it but it's always there. It's as if my garments have a voice too. Our weekend was rather uneventful in terms of arguments. We did have one on Friday night about something minor and inconsequential but they always seem exaggerated because we both feel the undertone. But after that argument was over, which we both just let die, things smoothed out. He's been civil and even on the edge of friendly. Never affectionate. He hasn't said "I love you" in well over a month" and that goes for touching me (at all). There's no sign that a marriage exists here at all. It's strictly conversation.

Anyway, back to our church lesson. I don't have the book handy right now or I'd just quote what I highlighted. But I remember that it said something about how if everytime a person prayed to have adversity removed, and it was done so, there would never be any adversity. Then there would be no unhappiness, and on and on until we had no freedom to choose. This made sense to me. Heavenly Father will not remove this from me right away. First off, I'm sure I've not learned all that I need to from it. There's a lot of damage that needs to be healed between the two of us before it can be removed. And if he did choose to remove it right away, the catalyst might be something drastic that I may not want anyhow. The lesson also said something about how a person under constant or frequent adversity (and I will take liberty to make an analogy) is similar to being in a rock tumbler. Smoothing away all the imperfections and making us more perfect and elgible for the Celestial Kingdom. So why would we want adversity taken away?

Ok, I'd rather have LOTS of problems other than this one. Maybe something that doesn't so completely divide my family. But again, at least I am married. I know this man loves me. I also know that he believes in the plan of salvation. I know he wants to have another baby. I know he wants to stay married to me. That's a good start; and it's only really been a month. I'll give it some more time.

Immediate Blessings

The story continues the week after Christmas 2006. Todd was giving me an icy shoulder and I was desperate. I was so scared he was going to divorce me after all I'd done to try to make our marriage better.

I found out from our brother-in-law that he was planning to go to his home-town for the weekend to help on his brother's new house construction. I called his mother on Friday and pleaded for her help. His mother is an active mormon and attends the temple regularly. She is in a similar situation as myself as her husband is not a member. I asked her to please talk to Todd, explain why I did what I did and help him understand that I didn't do it to hurt him; the contrary. She said she'd do what she could.

I didn't see Todd again until Sunday. It was a hard day because of his treatment - he can really make it rough for me. I remember crying during Sacrament again. I fasted again. I'm so grateful for my fasting days because they have enlightened me so much! I went to church and had a combined Relief Society/Priesthood meeting to discuss missionary work. I listened although felt that my efforts at missionary work are mainly geared toward my husband right now so much of what was said wouldn't apply. Then, the speaker started discussing Alma the Younger, and the conversion of the Lamanites. These people were hateful, evil people who have committed atrocious sins and violated the works of God's people that it seems they would not be worthy of forgiveness ever! And yet, they were converted...because of one person's faith and prayers. These conversions were MIRACLES in their time. I sat there amazed. Todd isn't a murderer. He doesn't sin more than an average person and can't be considered evil. He's a decent man who is responsible and tries to do right by his family. I am one person with faith and who prays. I can ask for a miracle too - and likely I can get it. If those people who prayed for Alma the Younger and the Lamanites were able to receive their miracles, then I could too.

And I did. I came home full of hope. I prayed for a long time begging for a miracle. I knew in my heart it was possible. I didn't need total conversion, just a softening. I needed a sign that things would be okay. I begged but I was full of faith - the same God who parted the red seas, loves me! He is capable of doing this small thing (in comparison) for me and him!

The next night he started talking. It started out as a small argument but soon moved into the realm of religion and what I'd done. He nearly cried which is huge for him. He told me he feels like he lost his best friend, and wife. He feels betrayed, deserted, and uncared for. He felt like I never considered how he felt. He also told me that perhaps part of why he feels so upset is that maybe he believes in "it" (it being the mormon religion). He told me he was mainly upset about me ruining Christmas, and also not discussing the actual date of when I was planning to go until just right before I went. He knew I'd known for at least a month before, and yet I didn't tell him util a week before. I knew he was right about this and I was ashamed. I was also ashamed that I hadn't considered how my going would affect Christmas. I had behaved selfishly. However, in the same conversation, he told me that he was both proud of me, and pissed at me at the same time. That made me feel honored. He also said that he wanted to have another baby. Regarding the garments, which seem to be a huge hang-up for him, he said that he had no idea how badly they would affect him. He knew I'd be wearing them but until I showed up in them, he was unprepared. He said he physically recoiled at the thought of touching me when I have them on. I rejoiced inside when I heard that because I knew it was Satan, and not Todd, having this reaction. If Todd can only cast Satan from him, I feel he will finally have peace. If only I knew how to help him do that though.

At the conclusion of this conversation, I was elated. I thanked Heavenly Father for showing me Todd's soul and giving me hope for the future. I don't expect things to change dramatically for a long time but at least I know that somewhere deep down inside, Todd is struggling to determine where his place is in this. He may not be to the point where is actively choosing to make changes, but I know it's coming.

Several years ago when I was still inactive and Natalie was only a couple months old, some missionaries came to my door, at Renee's request of course. I told them we were inactive and that while I was considering coming back, Todd wouldn't. I explained that he was very antagonistic and would likely never be active again. At that time, one of the missionaries said to me, "Amy, I promise you that if you start going to church, he will come too." I took it lightly and even scoffed in my head but Renee said that a missionary would never say something like that if he wasn't prompted to. I have lived by that promise and have found great comfort and peace from knowing that my painful efforts will be rewarded one day when we can enjoy the blessings of Heavenly Father together as an eternal family. I want this for him as much as I want this for me. The blessings I receive are so wonderful, and I want him to experience the happiness and joy that I feel.

Going to the Temple

So I left off with the night before I went to the temple for the first time. What a crazy week. I was on my knees constantly asking for the strength to continue and perservere. It was hard. But Friday morning came. My mother came to babysit and my best friend, and sister Renee showed up to be my escort.

A word on Renee. Renee has been my best friend since I was a little tiny girl. I didn't know it until I was 18 though. She has been my #1 fan, biggest support and knows me better than anyone in this world. She has tirelessly prayed for me, and done her best to be a good example of what being LDS really is. I've had so many arguments with her about the mormon faith but she never shoved it down my throat. She would merely back down and leave it to Heavenly Father to humble me in his time. Without Renee, I would not be doing what I'm doing now. I owe her nearly all of the credit. And during my preparation, she has been the source of so much of my knowledge, and support. I've relied upon her for so many answers to questions and she's done her best to lead me in the right direction. I pray daily in gratitude to my Father for giving me such a wonderful friend. If nothing else pans out in my life, at least I am still sealed to her.

I decided to attend the Salt Lake Temple to receive my first endowments. I thought it appropriate to go to the most beautiful of all temples. I am glad I did for a few reasons. My first initiatory session was as unusual as I expected but wonderful in the same way. I felt bewildered but calm. We then went on to the endowment session which was live. I was confused, again, and had many questions. So much new information to assimilate, most of which I promptly forgot. I was only able to ask questions and discuss most of it in the Celestial Room and by then I had forgotten all but the last part.

All in all, I marvelled that what I had just experienced was going to save my marriage. I prayed for more faith.

I didn't get home until late that night and went nearly directly to bed. The next morning, I got up for an early run and when I got home, Todd was giving Natalie breakfast. He didn't speak to me. I sat down at the table and asked him what was wrong. He was so angry. He said him and Nat were leaving for the day. I told him I didn't understand what was going on and that it wasn't fair that he take my family and leave me alone all day. He retorted, "You're the one who has left our family, don't blame me." I didn't know what he meant! Then he said something like, "You've got those garments on, and they are a wall between us."

I was astonished! I knew he would likely be upset after I went but I didn't anticipate this anger! I was devastated and prayed very hard that morning for comfort and a resolution. Todd came in a little later and told me that they were going for a drive and that if I wanted, I could come. Although I was exhausted from my run earlier (training for a 1/2 marathon) I went anyway. We drove to Idaho on a beer and lottery ticket run, of all things. He didn't speak to me the entire way and although I tried to make small talk, it was really no use. This was the Saturday before Christmas (Monday).

On Sunday, no conversation occured although I hoped that Christmas would be an ice-breaker.

Christmas day was a cold day, relationship-wise. It was an awesome day for Natalie and we tried to enjoy it best we could for her sake. But Todd opened his presents without joy and thanked me out of obligation, not gratitude. He spent an obscene amount of money on me which I could not understand. Especially because one of the things he bought me was broken and I had to take it back. When I asked the salesgirl when it was purchased, she said it had been purchased the previous Monday. That means he had bought it AFTER I had told him I was going to the temple that next Friday. I think this also means he didn't anticipate how he was going to feel after I actually went.

Even though relations were cold on Christmas, they were more thawed than they had been all weekend so I felt there was hope. I thought I'd give it a week or so and he would come around; maybe not be so angry. But by Sunday, things were not good. In fact, they were awful. Immediately following Christmas day, he lapsed into an icy silence. He was curt, rude and not kind. He did not kiss me, touch me, or talk to me. He talked only when absolutely necessary and then as if he hated me. I was desprate.

Renee suggested since things were so bad, perhaps we should go to the temple again. We planned to go the Wednesday after Christmas (2 days after) and we went to the Bountiful temple. This was a wonderful session for me. I felt the spirit so strong and so full. I participated more than I had in the past session and I cried because I felt the blessings on me so strongly. This was a night/day experience for me from my first time and I was amazed at the wonderful feelings I had, knowing they were directly from my Heavenly Father.

My Temple Preparation

I’ve been advised several times to journal my progress these past few months, especially the past few weeks. I actually went through the temple on the 22nd of December and received my endowments in the Salt Lake Temple. Since then, I’ve also been to the Bountiful temple as well.

My progression, as I’ve journaled a little bit, has been rather quick from when I first started going back to church and from when I went to the temple. This was all in less than a year, from February to December. Although it may seem quick to outsiders, it doesn’t feel like I rushed it although when I look back, it is odd that a year ago, I wasn’t even going to church.

When I first started going to church, I felt like I was going for Natalie to help her learn things that I learned and think have been good for me as I’ve grown older. Todd was very against me going and said that I could have chosen any church but the Mormon church and he’d be happy. But I was raised in the Mormon church and felt comfortable there and was drawn naturally there.

I remember the moment I decided I was going to go to church for the first time. I had a patient named Bonnie who was also friends with my mom. My mom worked at aSkilled Nursing Facility that I worked at for a time so we knew some mutual people and Bonnie was one of them. Well, Bonnie had some severe disabilities and died in late January or early February of 2006. My mom was going to the funeral and asked me if I wanted to go. I decided I would go and while I was sitting in the meeting room waiting for the service to start, I felt such a feeling of peace that I don’t take for granted anymore now that I have a child. I relished it because for a moment, I could stop and think and reflect on myself for a few minutes without anything else going on. I thought that maybe this is what it would be like every Sunday in a church meeting room if I went to church. That day I decided I’d go to church that next Sunday, and I did. From that Sunday, I never stopped going.

Shortly after going the first time, I met Rachel K., and some other friends, Katie R., Carly M., Kelly S., and several other girls who scrapbook on the first Friday night of every month. Because I enjoy it so much, I was invited to the next one and although I felt a little awkward that first one, by the third or fourth one, they treated me like I was part of the group. A few months later, some of us bought season passes to Cherry Hill water park and would go together with our kids and hang out a couple times a week. I believe the friendly bond existed between all of them before I came along, but they scooped me up like a lost bird and assimilated me into their group so naturally. I have been invited to all of their social events since the very beginning and I can’t say what that support has meant to me.

At the beginning of the summer, I met with Bishop F. to discuss preparations for going to the temple. He told me to take the summer preparing and after the summer was over, we’d meet and discuss a baptism recommend like the young men and women get. I remember when I first walked into the Bishop’s office, I was so egotistical. I was sure that he knew exactly who I was, and that I had been inactive for years and had just recently come back. I was sure he’d been watching me from across the meeting room all these months and that he was just biding his time before he’d put something in motion with me…a calling, visiting teachers, etc. Little did I know that hardly ever does he initiate those things himself and this particular bishop is sort of an introvert. He didn’t even know who I was when I walked in. Not only did I have to tell him who I was, but explain to him where I lived. This was a shock to me because as an inactive member all those years, I was sure that all eyes were on me! I thought that everyone was aware of my status, of me, and was watching me to see what I’d do. It was so self-centered and so completely wrong! I thought it was everyone’s intent to come and convert me and they were all sitting around plotting on how to get it done! Did I think for one minute that maybe they all had lives and were too busy to worry about me for a minute? Well since I’ve been back, I’ve learned a lot about this whole conversion and fellowshipping thing and it’s not what I thought at all.

Anyway, so my first visit with Bishop F. was merely to discuss getting ready to go to the temple. We talked for a while about my home situation and what my goals were. He told me that maybe I should take the summer and spend it getting some things in order like overcoming some of my temptations, etc. He said that I should come back in the fall and we could discuss my progress.

The summer was hard. I had to quit drinking coffee, all alcohol, swearing, dressing immodestly, and some other very difficult sins I had in my life. It was very hard. And by fall, I still hadn’t overcome all of them completely. I prayed every day to help me overcome them but the temptations were so strong. At times I felt like I had overcome them but my mind constantly played tricks on me, and the temptation was so strong at times. I felt sometimes like I had no power over it. Sometimes during the middle of the strongest of temptations I would just pray that I would be relieved, and I would. Other times, satan could convince me to justify my behaviors and I would succumb. There were many, many months of sinning, praying for forgiveness, then being tempted and overcoming only to succumb the next time, and then praying for forgiveness each time. The thing that kept me going during all that was that each time I sinned, I felt like it took me a lot longer to succumb like I was getting stronger each time. And I would pray and I instantly would feel the most soothing calmness that was our Father’s answer, “I know you’re trying, just don’t give up…I haven’t left you. I understand what you’re going through.” And I know he did. In Gethsemane I know he was tempted for all that I had to give up to the fullest! He was in agony and I can understand only a fraction because sometimes the agony of my temptations physically hurt! I would just cry out of frustration and he withstood this for me. Each time I would sin, I would cry because I had let him down again after he had withstood all of my temptations with pure success! This went on even until the day after I went to the temple because satan was so frustrated that he had lost me, I’m sure of it. He wanted me to sin after I had made my covenants. And I did, but not to the extent that he wanted me to. That particular day was the worst temptation of them all. Oh, satan did all that he could to justify my behavior and I wanted so much to give in – more so than at any time and I tried to walk the fence, to stick my foot into the gray area without sinning but it was wrong. I knew then, and so I stopped and came back. And I prayed and did not immediately receive the calming feeling I was so used to. I had made covenants in the temple for which I was responsible. And that was more serious than before and it still hasn’t been long enough yet for forgiveness to come for that small transgression, and so I am glad that I didn’t fall entirely. I would have much more work to do.

Anyway, so I met with Bishop F. again in mid to late October. It took some time to get an appointment with him. It seemed that every time I got ready to call him, I’d get distracted, couldn’t find his number or whatever. I even eventually called him and got an appointment for 2 weeks out that ended up having to be rescheduled by him for another week. Hence that’s why it was so late into the fall already. When I finally did meet with him, we talked for a really long time. I had much to explain about my situation with Todd. The Bishop pulled out a book that is a reference for the presidency, and he turned to a page that described the requirements for members of a couple to go to the temple without the other spouse. He said that he and the stake president both had to feel secure that my going to the temple wouldn’t jeopardize my marriage. They also had to have a letter from Todd stating that he gave his permission to go. He also said that if roles were reversed and Todd wanted to go and I didn’t, he’d have to get the letter from me also. No sexism here. I told him I wasn’t sure if Todd would give his consent but that I’d ask. The Bishop asked if he might come and talk to Todd to get his perspective about how our marriage might be affected by my going to the temple. I told the Bishop that I’d leave it up to the Lord and not worry about the outcome. I’d ask Todd for the things that were required and then stand back and just pray.

I came home that night and although Todd wasn’t really happy with me because he’d known that I was going to talk to the Bishop about going to the temple. But I sat down anyway and started talking to him about going and how he felt about it. He was angry. He said he never thought his wife would have a temple recommend and he was really upset. I asked him if I could go anyway and would he sign a paper saying I could go. At first he refused several times. He said that he had no reason to follow the Mormon’s rules and that if I was to go, I’d have to do it without his help. Then he said that he would sign the paper if I promised never to pay tithing. I told him it wasn’t a negotiation and that if he was going to sign the paper, he’d do it because he wanted to and not a quid pro quo. I told him I’d write up the paper and put it on his dresser and whenever he wanted to sign it, he could. No pressure. And I did. I also asked him if the Bishop could come and talk with him about me going. This he absolutely refused to do. He was so angry about this and I could do nothing to convince him. I eventually gave up and hoped that I could convince the Bishop that this wasn’t really necessary. The next morning Todd signed the letter on his dresser.

I made another appointment to visit the Bishop, this time with the letter. I should say that up until now, I was prepared to set my date for going for the following February or March. But before this appointment, I had a feeling that perhaps I should set the date for earlier. Before the appointment, I prayed about it and felt the answer was that I should be going as soon as possible. I didn’t know why, and it really didn’t matter to me when I went but since I felt I should be going soon, I decided to do that. I met with the Bishop that night and told him what I thought about the date. He said that he didn’t see a problem with that. We discussed the letter and the conversation I’d had with Todd. He was concerned about Todd’s attitude. Todd can’t understand the Mormons and the Mormons can’t understand Todd. But the Bishop was worried that our marriage would be in jeopardy if I went to the temple. But I’d prayed so much about the temple, and had such strong feelings about needing to go that I did my best to convince him that although my marriage was not ideal, it was my covenants in the temple that were going to make it better in the long run. And this was true. Inside me, I felt that the only thing left to improve our marriage was the temple, and going forward with this even though it was contrary to everything Todd wanted in his life. It broke my heart to think that this would put a big rift in our marriage but that eventually it would bring us back together. I believe that Bishop F. felt the spirit of my words and understood.

I don’t necessarily remember the entire timeline of what happened and when I found out that Bishop F. was being released from his calling, but it coincided with when I would need to get my recommend interview. I had the letter from Todd and I had convinced Bishop F. that it was the right decision to let me go to the temple but it seems like he told me that in order to get my recommend interview, I’d have to talk to the new Bishop. It seems like he got released that next Sunday. I was very worried about how things would progress with the new Bishop and that I’d have to go through the whole story with him and that it would take much longer than I had. Bishop F. told me that he would tell the new Bishop (Bishop P.) all about the situation and he would understand the urgency. I was not humble. I went to Bishop P. that next week, and I was stressed for time because I didn’t feel I had the time to tell him all I had explained to Bishop F. I was only really supposed to be gone for an hour at the most since Todd’s primary complaint about my going to church was the time it would take away from our family. I had to get back also so that Todd wouldn’t have to put Natalie to bed on his own – that would make him angry also. I tried to avoid Todd’s anger at all costs so not to create more disharmony than was absolutely necessary. I sat with Bishop P. and told him a briefer version of the story. I found out that Bishop F. had not necessarily briefed Bishop P. the way I thought he would have, and so I had to start from square one. This took a lot of time but I tried to shorten things in the essence of time. I told him I felt I needed to go soon, and explained about our marriage and tried to convince him of the things I had told Bishop F. He was worried though and I was frustrated. He was back to the point where he wanted to visit with Todd. I had to explain that wasn’t going to happen and that he had to simply trust me and my answers from Heavenly Father. He said he’d pray about it and discuss it with the Stake President (President M.). I left feeling worried. He said he’d call me and that I could come see him at his office the next day (this was a Tuesday).

Well, he called me the next day and I assumed it was so he could tell me what time to come, but he left me a message instead telling me that he’d like to just see me after Sacrament on Sunday. At this point, I was trying my best to leave the timeline up to Heavenly Father, but I was also very worried. I remember having a conversation with Renee where she chastened me sternly. I told her that I didn’t want to have to go into the whole long story of everything with Bishop P. because that would take so much time, time that I didn’t feel I had. She told me it wasn’t my time – it was Heavenly Father’s time, and that I can’t cheat him of his timeline for me. I felt awful; I went home and prayed and asked for forgiveness. She was right. I wasn’t allowing Heavenly Father to act. I was taking control of something that I had said I had given up to him in the first place. I prayed along these lines for the next several days. I asked him to bless Bishop P. and President M. with the same answers he’d given me, and bless them also with the understanding of the situation if it was his will.

On Sunday, when I met with Bishop P., I sat down and waited for him to speak. He talked for a few minutes about other preparatory things and then said that he had received his answer from God. I almost couldn’t breathe. He said that he’d prayed about it, and that he had received a sweet feeling of peace, and he knew that it was the right decision…for our marriage. He said he knew this was the answer that I had been looking for to help our marriage and that he was confidant that I had made the right decision. He immediately gave me my recommend interview, and I could barely contain my tears the whole time. I felt so blessed and loved and understood. I was amazed that my prayers had accomplished this, and I was so comforted. I received my recommend on December 17th, 2006. It was Bishop P's first temple recommend and he asked if he and his wife could attend the session with me.

Since my date to go through the temple was the coming Friday, I was instructed to call President M. and make an appointment for this coming week. I did so and had to go to his office. I went on Wednesday thinking I still had plenty of time. We met in a big conference room and Natalie played in my purse while we met. It took us about 45 minutes to get through the whole interview. He asked me all of the same questions that Bishop P. asked. At this time, I felt inclined to explain some of my temptations and sins to him. He expressed concern that I hadn’t discussed my past sins (before I’d come back to the church) with any church official. He said that for both of our peace of minds, perhaps I should share the nature of all of those sins. He said that if I did, I’d never wonder if I ever should have shared those things with a church official. I told him of my main indiscretions and explained how I felt that they had all been forgiven. And this was the truth. I have had the most wonderful feeling of lightness, and forgiveness as if I actually qualify to go to the Celestial Kingdom for the first time since I was 8 years old. I was uncomfortable telling him some of the things I’d done, but I trusted him and knew he was trying to do the right thing also. After signing my recommend he noticed that I needed the recommend that allowed me to get my own endowments. This was an entirely different recommend and should have been given to me by Bishop P.. He told me that I’d have to get that, have Bishop P. sign it, and come back to have President M. sign it also.

I went home and left a message for Bishop P. at his office to call me, or drop the recommend off at my house. He didn’t get the message so the next morning, I called him again. This time I was able to reach him at home and he said that he’d go over to the church, get the recommend and drop it off at my house since I was out running errands. When I got home late that afternoon, I had received the recommend. I had to call President M., and go up to his house that evening (it was Thursday now) to sign it.

It was a lot of hoops to jump through. It seemed that in the last few weeks anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I was being tempted so much in so many different areas. It was so awful. I can’t believe it actually happened.

I have to write a little about the Sunday that I got my recommend though, the 17th. That was an awful, and yet such a wonderful day. I woke up around 8 or 9, and was fasting. I’ve been fasting every Sunday for several months for my marriage so that day was a typical day for fasting. The night before Todd and I had gone to a company Christmas party, and I won’t go into details but there was a lot of drinking and it came out that I was going to church. It was a very uncomfortable position because all of the people we were with were people that Todd works with and I didn’t know what he’d said about me except that I was pretty sure that whatever it was, it hadn’t been good. I felt very lonely and hurt. The next morning I confronted Todd about it. The problem was that I had a clear answer from Heavenly Father that I should merely tell Todd that I wish I had known he had told all of his friends that I was going to church and let it at that. Not let us get into an argument. But I didn’t listen and I let myself get drawn into an argument about how I felt. And the conversation wasn’t going well. In fact it was going awfully. I begged Todd to try to understand what I was saying and he just couldn’t. Finally he said, “Fine, I will do my best to understand what you’re saying.” He said this very begrudgingly but I took this opportunity. I told him to wait for a second while I collected my thoughts and I said a prayer begging Heavenly Father to help me form the words that I needed to say to help him understand my view. Then I said, “When you talk to your friends about me being Mormon and you say things that make them think that you hate Mormons, it might lead them to believe that you don’t care or love me, and that hurts me.” I swear I saw the light of understanding cross his face. I can’t describe it any other way. He really understood, and I swore to him that I was to blame for this same thing – making people think that I might not love or care for him the way that I do, by what I say. I promised that I would do my best to stop doing this because now I knew how it felt. I was again in awe of the powers of my Father because I could never have put into words how I felt for him to understand me, and that prayer was answered so strongly and loudly. I couldn’t mistake it.

Somehow in that conversation, it came out that I was planning on going to the temple this coming Friday. I hadn’t told him before because I knew he’d be angry and I didn’t want to have to deal with all of that. I knew that regardless of when he found out, he’d be angry so why tell him too early? This was my rationale. And he was angry, very angry. But not more than I thought he’d be. He was sullen. He made many rude comments and tried to deter me, and I tried to explain my view but we got nowhere. I was so worried. I was so scared I’d made the wrong choice. I went in my room and lay on my bed for about 2 hours praying. I cried and I tried to decide if I should stop going to church. I thought so hard about where Todd and I had been in the past, and where we are now. I thought about what it would be like to stop going to church entirely and how I’d feel inside. I wondered what would happen if I decided not go to the temple at all. I prayed and pondered so long about which way to go and all I could feel was that I had to keep going. I couldn’t stop and the main feeling was that there was nothing to go back for. There was nothing there. I was calmed and told that if I kept on in the direction I was going, that it would be worth it. Of course I was still hurting. Todd had told me that he felt that I had left the road that we were traveling together and now I was off on my own path and had left him. He said he felt like I was choosing the Mormons over him and he was hurting too. I felt so awful but I was also comforted because I knew my Father was with me, and that if I kept doing what he wanted me to do, then everything would work out alright. I got up and got ready for church, and I left.

Sacrament meeting was hard. I remember crying during certain talks and songs. I tried to be strong but I was hurting and worried for Todd. I still remember knowing that my decision was right but I felt so terrible for how Todd must be feeling. I couldn’t explain to him any of this though. I couldn’t tell him that our Heavenly Father loved him so much that he made me that strong to do all of this on my own. He wouldn’t have understood it then.

After Sacrament, I had the meeting with the Bishop where I could hardly keep from crying because of the words of the Bishop. How he had said that he knew I was making the right decision to go the temple and how he had been assured that it was the right decision also with that sweet peace. I was astonished. I had received an answer earlier on my bed but this was like a blow to me. How could Heavenly Father know that I needed those precise words just then and how close I’d been to not even coming ever again to church? How could he have known that the exact words that I needed to hear related to Todd and how our marriage would be better as a result of my faith.

More later...