Going to the Temple

So I left off with the night before I went to the temple for the first time. What a crazy week. I was on my knees constantly asking for the strength to continue and perservere. It was hard. But Friday morning came. My mother came to babysit and my best friend, and sister Renee showed up to be my escort.

A word on Renee. Renee has been my best friend since I was a little tiny girl. I didn't know it until I was 18 though. She has been my #1 fan, biggest support and knows me better than anyone in this world. She has tirelessly prayed for me, and done her best to be a good example of what being LDS really is. I've had so many arguments with her about the mormon faith but she never shoved it down my throat. She would merely back down and leave it to Heavenly Father to humble me in his time. Without Renee, I would not be doing what I'm doing now. I owe her nearly all of the credit. And during my preparation, she has been the source of so much of my knowledge, and support. I've relied upon her for so many answers to questions and she's done her best to lead me in the right direction. I pray daily in gratitude to my Father for giving me such a wonderful friend. If nothing else pans out in my life, at least I am still sealed to her.

I decided to attend the Salt Lake Temple to receive my first endowments. I thought it appropriate to go to the most beautiful of all temples. I am glad I did for a few reasons. My first initiatory session was as unusual as I expected but wonderful in the same way. I felt bewildered but calm. We then went on to the endowment session which was live. I was confused, again, and had many questions. So much new information to assimilate, most of which I promptly forgot. I was only able to ask questions and discuss most of it in the Celestial Room and by then I had forgotten all but the last part.

All in all, I marvelled that what I had just experienced was going to save my marriage. I prayed for more faith.

I didn't get home until late that night and went nearly directly to bed. The next morning, I got up for an early run and when I got home, Todd was giving Natalie breakfast. He didn't speak to me. I sat down at the table and asked him what was wrong. He was so angry. He said him and Nat were leaving for the day. I told him I didn't understand what was going on and that it wasn't fair that he take my family and leave me alone all day. He retorted, "You're the one who has left our family, don't blame me." I didn't know what he meant! Then he said something like, "You've got those garments on, and they are a wall between us."

I was astonished! I knew he would likely be upset after I went but I didn't anticipate this anger! I was devastated and prayed very hard that morning for comfort and a resolution. Todd came in a little later and told me that they were going for a drive and that if I wanted, I could come. Although I was exhausted from my run earlier (training for a 1/2 marathon) I went anyway. We drove to Idaho on a beer and lottery ticket run, of all things. He didn't speak to me the entire way and although I tried to make small talk, it was really no use. This was the Saturday before Christmas (Monday).

On Sunday, no conversation occured although I hoped that Christmas would be an ice-breaker.

Christmas day was a cold day, relationship-wise. It was an awesome day for Natalie and we tried to enjoy it best we could for her sake. But Todd opened his presents without joy and thanked me out of obligation, not gratitude. He spent an obscene amount of money on me which I could not understand. Especially because one of the things he bought me was broken and I had to take it back. When I asked the salesgirl when it was purchased, she said it had been purchased the previous Monday. That means he had bought it AFTER I had told him I was going to the temple that next Friday. I think this also means he didn't anticipate how he was going to feel after I actually went.

Even though relations were cold on Christmas, they were more thawed than they had been all weekend so I felt there was hope. I thought I'd give it a week or so and he would come around; maybe not be so angry. But by Sunday, things were not good. In fact, they were awful. Immediately following Christmas day, he lapsed into an icy silence. He was curt, rude and not kind. He did not kiss me, touch me, or talk to me. He talked only when absolutely necessary and then as if he hated me. I was desprate.

Renee suggested since things were so bad, perhaps we should go to the temple again. We planned to go the Wednesday after Christmas (2 days after) and we went to the Bountiful temple. This was a wonderful session for me. I felt the spirit so strong and so full. I participated more than I had in the past session and I cried because I felt the blessings on me so strongly. This was a night/day experience for me from my first time and I was amazed at the wonderful feelings I had, knowing they were directly from my Heavenly Father.