Sunday, February 25, 2007

My Nephew's Baptism - Planning

My newphew, Porter, is getting baptized next Saturday and it's really exciting. He's the baby of a 5 person family and I can't believe he's 8 now! I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday; in fact I was there was he was born. I looked at him before he took his first breath!

So I'm planning on going to the baptism and taking Natalie. She's never seen a baptism before and I've begun prepping her. I'm singing a Primary baptism song and talking to her about it so she gets excited. I know that as soft-hearted as Todd is, he won't be able to deny his little girl one of her fondest wishes. And that when she's ready and old enough to be baptized, he's going to have a hard time telling her "no" if its what she really wants.

Anyway so I was telling Todd about the baptism tonight and he said "I'll pass". It really hurt my feelings because I was planning to go to one of "his" neice's baptisms until it was rescheduled for a time we couldn't go, and now he won't come to a baptism on my side. I think it's convenient that I'm an active member and it gives him an excuse for not going. He said it would be a long time before he ever goes into a church with me again - and that was his reasoning. I told him that I thought it might hurt my sister's feelings that he didn't come. He said it wasn't about her and that he wasn't going to support anyone in the mormon religion doing mormon things.

You know what I think? I think he's selfish. He's willing to sacrifice the feelings of people whom he says he cares about because he's holding a grudge. And all I can say is that if that's the alternative, I'm glad I have the gospel. He is a miserable person who mires in misery. He doesn't let things go, prefering to slog through negativity, bad feelings, and pessimism instead of working to improve your way of thinking, and viewing the world. I am an optomistic person who prefers to look toward the sunshine instead of stand in the rain. I feel bad for him because that's how he wants to live his life. I want to be happy, and I believe he does to but he's too busy being miserable to see that other people are happy - and to investigate as to how exactly they got that way! I'd hoped that I would be a good example to him, and that once he saw how blissfully happy I am, and all the positive changes I'm making in my life, that he would be intrigued and interested in moving in this direction further. But I was wrong, at least at this point.

I fasted again today. I wish I remembered when I started fasting every Sunday but it seems like it's been about 6 months now give or take. I lay there this morning thinking about it and wondered how long I would have to fast for. I decided, when I started, that I would fast for as long as it took for Todd to come to church with us. I knew it would be a long time but I don't think I ever really put a date or timeframe on it. Now, I'm starting to think that it will be a realy long time from now. And I thought of stopping. But at church today, a young girl played a song on the piano. It was a cross-compilation of two songs: "Army of Helamen" and "How Great Shall Be Your Joy", and it was one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I cried while she played. In fact, the next speaker after her could hardly even talk when he stood up because he'd been crying too. It was so amazing! And the words to those two songs were playing in my mind during the piece and it came to me that I was indeed to keep fasting, that it was important that I continue. As much as it is so hard to do it ever Sunday, I feel at peace because I know that I am not alone in it. I pray that the Lord will help me through it and reward me for my diligence eventually. I so want my family to be together in this. It will bring us such peace and happiness. I have to believe that this is a goal worth pursuing!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Glen Beck

I was extremely sick last week and while I was, I spent a lot of time on the computer just surfing around wasting time. I visited a lot of blog-sites which is fastly becoming a favorite past-time of mine. I visited a blog that made a reference to Glen Beck and his testimoy. I was confused and followed the link to another blog that discussed Glen Beck being a mormon and how he'd been interviewed by CBS and now his testimony was all over the internet. I followed the link, very interested. I really like Glen Beck and have listened to him for several years in the afternoon on the radio on my way home from work. I never got the feeling from him that he was affiliated with any religious entity, not to mention the LDS religion. Needless to say I was quite stunned when I found out he was mormon. The link dropped me onto the the www.YouTube.com website where the interview could be viewed. It was about 8 minutes long and I watched it with surprise. Yes, he was discussing his conversion, his testimony, his family, his feelings and lots of stuff along that vein. He cried. I was stunned at some of the things he was saying about his faith on national television. He was very brave. Through it all, I felt very near to tears. I felt the spirit so strong while I watched it and was quite moved! While I watched it, I thought, "what a wonderful testament to the gospel," and wondered how anyone who watched it could still be a protagonist to the LDS church. I was so interested to find out how it was received that I decided to read the comments section after. I fully expected to see people responding to the spirit they felt, even if they didn't know that's what it was. But I was again, STUNNED to read HATEFUL, heated, antagonistic, rude, and argumentative comments. Of the 10 or so comments I read, it seemed I only read one favorable blurb. Everyone else was seriously so HATEFUL I wondered if they viewed the same clip I did!

I felt sad for those people. They are so full of the influence of satan that they can't see around those blinders. The spirit they undoubtedly felt while watching the clip was so violently misinterpreted by the advesary that they had to vehementenly object in such a hateful manner so not to be influenced by anything good. I'm not great with words here because I'm just speaking the thoughts that spill from my brain and I don't care if they're articulate or not. But I just think that the advesary has such a clutch on so many people and I cry with shame at the way the world treats our Savior.

You people who are hateful and want only to tear down the mormon religion, you need to understand something! We feel good inside! We are trying only to better our lives! We want to be closer to God whether you believe in him or not - we do! We're not asking that you change! We just want you to understand what your Savior did for you!

One night in Gethsemane (a garden outside of Jerusalem) Christ spent all night on his knees to God. Satan was there with him and tempted him with EVERY SINGLE SIN THAT MAN HAD EVER, AND HAS EVER COMMITTED. That means he was tempted by sex, pornography, alcohol, gold, riches, fame, selfishness and every other single thing that any of you or me has been tempted by. Satan was there causing him to be tormented by these sins but Christ WITHSTOOD them all! How did he do that? I can barely stop from drinking a cup of coffee and yet he stood up to ALL sins! And then, if that weren't enough, to fulfill the natural laws of balance, he allowed himself to be crucified because if we were all able to be forgiven of our sins, someone had to die that HAD NEVER SINNED BEFORE!

And you repay him for these acts of pure selflessness by cursing and saying hateful things about us when all we want to do is be better people. I don't hate you. I feel sad that you can't see what he did for you. You're depriving yourself of a joy that I can't even express to you!

Glen Beck is amazing and quite brave for saying all of those things on national television. I'd like to think I would be so bold. He had so much to lose! His ratings are his livlihood and he didn't care if he lost it! What does that tell you? Are we stupid people? Do you think we would sacrifice all of the wonderful things this world has to offer unless there was something better? HELLO - I think wine is yummy! I think coffee is the drink of angels! But God has more important things for me to be doing and so I listen BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!

I'm just saying that somewhere in your heart, your good angel is talking to you. You owe it to yourself to listen just for a minute to find out if there's more to Christ (and maybe even the mormon religion) than just being a TOOL, whatever that means.

Death

Likely it will come as little surprise to my readers that I live in Utah. Specifically I live in Salt Lake City and was inadvertently involved in the recent Trolley Square shootings. My old neighbor's son, Brad Frantz, was killed along with his girlfriend while at the mall for dinner this past Monday night, February 12th. A young man came in and indiscriminantly began shooting whomever he saw. Unfortunately it was Brad and his girlfriend that he saw, among 3 others that were also killed that night.

My husband and I went to his funeral yesterday afternoon. Over 300 people showed up; the outpouring of support was wonderful. I haven't seen my old neighbors for over a year since we moved out of the neighborhood and wished like crazy the circumstances for seeing them were different. My husband and I have discussed probably a hundred times in the past year about having them over for a barbeque or dinner or something. We feel awful that we never extended the invitation now.

Although I could continue along the lines of discussing Brad and his life, I already did that in my other, less "religious" blog. This one I've strictly dedicated to my faith and haven't shared the website with anyone lest my husband chance to see it and be upset about its content.

I'd like to discuss my feelings about the actual death of my friend, Brad. I'd also like to contrast those feelings to ones I might have had prior to my rediscovery of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've always been a very tender-hearted person. My heart hurts when I think of the pain of another person. I cry easily and am very emotional. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. I don't care - it's who I am. Music especially tweaks my tear ducts and I always reach for a tissue in church when the music starts. I just can't help it. I've always cried at funerals, and it never mattered whose it was. I've gone to a lot of funerals for people I really don't even know well just to support someone I do know well and always end up crying anyway.

This funeral was for someone I knew well. I enjoyed his company immensely and thought highly of him, even if his values weren't the same as mine. They used to be. We got to know each other because of our late night "beer nights" when Todd and me, June and Steve (Brad's parents) and Brad would hang out in the backyard until 2am getting sloshed and "BSing". I've changed and I'm okay that others continue to live their lives a different way.

Anyway.......so for Brad, someone I knew well, I should have been crying a river! There was no reason why I shouldn't have found it sad beyond belief. This boy was young, only 24! He had just received a wonderful promotion at work, had met a girl whom it sounded like he was quite serious with, and had a 3 year old daughter whom he absolutely adored. Things were going so well for him and it was cut short so tragically! But I didn't cry. I could't make myself!

OK, let's not lie. I did get quite teary eyed when I hugged his mother, June, and when I think about how his little girl won't ever know her daddy. Those things make me so sad I can't hardly think straight.

But I didn't cry for Brad. I just KNOW he's still around. I can feel it! I don't know why this happened to him. I can't explain it. And if I could explain it, it would mean I have knowledge that would blow my inner-sensibilities. It's likely that with that kind of understanding that I wouldn't necessarily need to be here anymore myself! No, I don't understand. What I do know is that he understands now. He's with our Savior! I know he's being educated now; learning about the Plan of Salvation and all the things that he was unable to learn on earth for his progression. He's beyond the veil and is happy. All of his suffering, worries, doubts, fears, inadequacies - they're gone, just like that! How amazing will that be? I have to say, and I sin when I do, that I'm just a wee bit envious of where he is, and that he's been spared of all the world's cruelty. I'm not envious that he doesn't get to participate in the raising of his daughter. I would never willingly give that up, but overall I just think that where he is, is where I want to be!

And so my sadness for him does not exist. How can we be sad for someone who obviously is blissfully happy where he is? What can I possibly be sad for? He has passed into a place where he's surrounded by love, acceptance, understanding and knowledge. I'll save my sadness for his mother who will miss him beyond measure.

If I contrast these feelings to those I'd have had for this same funeral even a year ago, you'd have thought I was a different person. I'd have despaired and been confused, hurt, frustrated, and engulfed in sadness for the loss of opportunities. I'd have been frustrated that in the birth of so many good things in his life, he was jerked so rudely away, and in such a tragic way. It can be seen both ways I think.

By dying in the manner he did, Brad was able to see such love poured out on him. So many people at his funeral saying such wonderful things. I'm sure it touched his heart.

I expressed to Todd how I felt about Brad being alive still, just in another place. He said it was just my opinion. But I felt so strongly about it being the truth that I just said "No, it's not my opinion. It's the truth!" And he didn't say another thing. Sometimes I can just FEEL the spirit in the room when I talk to him and I can only use that to explain why he doesn't feel inclined to "talk back" to me or argue.

All in all, this was such a faith promoting experience for me. I am so at peace and calmed by my faith in the Lord. He can't protect everyone and prevent all bad things from happening. That would go against his entire plan; I understand that. But to know what is waiting for us on the other side is a wonderful gift to hold onto during the trials we face in this life.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Gets Better

I noticed that my last post was at 6:45 on Monday. What's funny is that I should have waited and made that post the next day because of what happened even a little later that evening.

We got Nat put to bed and I went back in my office to tidy up and do some filing. All the sudden, here comes Todd into my office and he stands there in the doorway. I figured he was there to put his phone on the charger or something but instead he took my hand and took me into the bedroom. I was so confused and a little nervous. I told him I had my garments on and he said he didn't care.

When it was over, we laid there and he cried and told me how sorry he was for being so hard-headed and stubborn. He said that all I'd said last night made good sense to him and he hadn' felt so happy in several months. He said he'd do his best to try to put all this behind us and that he'd try hard to be a better husband. It touched so so much.

Of course I am realistic. I know that Todd was under the pressure of divorce when he changed his mind. I hated doing that but at least it got us over the steepest part of the mountain. I doubt that Todd will be able to keep all of the promises he made, but I do think he'll try. Things won't be perfect but at least he's my husband again, and that's what I really wanted mostly.

The Lord has provided me a miracle when I was starting to doubt my ability to be blessed wtih more. My faith was diminishing a little bit and then he gave me what I wanted the most.

What I've learned from this is that the Lord is absolutely capable of all things. And if I want my family to be joined together in following the Lord because it will bring us closer together, then if I sacrifice enough, and demonstrate my love and faith to him enough, he will eventually give me what he feels I need. This is a righteous desire. The timing may not be appropriate right now. I still have much to atone for but the time will come when I believe the Lord will feel it proper for my family to receive this blessing. And until this happens, I will continue fasting each Sunday to earn it.