Had a new development on the Todd front today. Some days are marital set-backs but we've been doing well for the past couple of weeks which is a change. Todd has been increasingly frustrated with my financial management set of skills, or lack of skills to put it better and so recently, took "control" of the money. He put it all in a little account that I don't have access to, and said he'd pay the bills. Yes, all of the little issues this behavior raises are not lost on me and I do feel like a child who'se butt has been spanked. So I work and I make money that only I have access to so I get to avoid asking daddy for money if I want something. But it turns out he's no financial Steven Hawking himself. Let me just say there have been problems and so I offered to help out a bit. I've given my services to help him remember when certain bills are due, and last night offered to help pay some of them that were due right now. So I paid them with our billpayer service, on-line whatever and then needed the money transferred into our joint account which is something only he can do because of the password. Well I called him this morning to remind him to transfer the money but he seemed really busy. He asked me if I could do it, and I said sure but I'd need the password to he account. He actually gave it to me. Now this might seem really stupid and petty but we're talking about huge trust issues here. Since the temple thing, he's been so angry and trust hasn't been high on his list of virtues. This gesture he's made is a big step between the two of us working together on something.
I told my counselor tonight that our marriage veered off on a course of its own after I went to the temple and it would never be the same again. You can be scared of change like Todd is but it's obviously going in a positive direction if we can learn how to work together in different and new ways. I trust Todd a little more each day and for the first time in a long time, feel like he's my partner and not my enemy. I know Heavenly Father must love me to continue to help me the way he does. Do I deserve it? No. Am I grateful? Yes.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Every Day New Blessings
It's been over a month since my last post and yet so much has happened that should have been written down. I think of it all the time that I should be writing this stuff down but I get involved in other things, and forget.
I wanted to write down my latest experience with scripture reading. I finally finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time about a week before I went to the temple. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. And right after that I started in on the New Testament. This week, I will finish the gospels so I'm moving right along.
As part of my extensive New Year's resolutions, I decided I would make it a point to read every single day despite all. And for a while I was wondering what blessings this was bringing to my life because I sure wasn't noticing anything. So I decided to stop reading for a whole week, but do everything else the same and see what happened. This is what happened:
I fasted Sunday and decided that I couldn't NOT read because they go hand-in-hand. So I felt great that day.
Monday, I didn't read, but meant to pray but by the end of the day realized I'd forgotten even to pray in the morning. I decided I'd remember to pray the next day.
Tuesday I forgot to pray again until late and promised myself I'd remember to pray the next day.
By Wednesday, I realized that I remember to pray because I do it before I read my scriptures and if I'm forgetting to pray, it's as a result of my not reading....
Thursday, I prayed and didn't read but it felt a little empty.
Friday I forgot to pray again
Saturday I actually wanted to read my scriptures although I can't remember why - I think it was because I missed that "closeness" I feel when I pray and read my scriptures every day.
And by Saturday night my testimony was in place. By failing to read my scriptures, I am not giving myself that mental tickler to also pray and therefore depriving myself of that special nudge each morning to help me remember what it is I want to focus on for that day. My prayers in the morning are typically more extensive than those at night since I'm tired so not only was I not filling myself up each morning, I wasn't praying like I should.
This was all about two weeks ago and since then I am so grateful for the blessings of the scriptures and prayer, especially the combination. If nothing else happens each day, I read...and pray. And when I do, I feel peaceful, focused, grounded. I know what is expected of me, and am prepared to do it. I no longer expect to be edified by every single verse I read. It's a grounding tool for me and I am so thankful for it.
Today was a fabulous day at church. From the moment I entered the building, I felt the spirit and it was SO strong. Each song we sang filled me up, and the speakers during Sacrament meeting were sooo good. Both speakers discussed the atonement and how we can use it in our lives - a topic that is fascinating to me. There are so many facets that I still don't understand but what I do understand gives me such peace and areas for growth. It's amazing how much more even is available to us and yet most of us just barely skim the surface. I read a book recently called "The Peacegiver" - I actually think I might have mentioned it on this blog before possibly, but it talked in great detail about the Atonement and I was astonished at all the levels, and how we can apply it. It truly is a miracle that we are blessed with something so wonderful and likely don't even know to what extent that gift can change or affect our lives.
BTW, update on my better half: I came to a new conclusion (inspired??? - more likely than not) that to pray for contention in my home is asking Satan to live here, more or less. I've been praying for the contention to remain in our home so that complacency doesn't. What I mean is that the longer Todd and I experience contetention, he will be under pressure to analyze his feelings, attitudes, thoughts etc. When the pressure eases up, my belief is that he (like a lot of men I know) will fall back into a comfortable place of complacency and not challenge himself to look at the world in a new perspective. We only really ever do this when we are in a state of agitation, don't we? However, I made a promise to him about 3 weeks ago that I would LAY OFF and how did he say it?...."get off my ass". Hmm. I said okay that I'd try it and then if and only if he was rude, would I get "back on" to stretch his term a little more. As a result of this, shall we call it wisdom, we've had 3 weeks of relative peace! And I feel the spirit sometimes! So my enlightenment that I received today was that this peace is what is going to bring himi around, not the contention. The term "Satan is the father of contention" kept ringing in my head and that's when I realized I'd been going at it wrong. It's truly been lovely to actually get along for an extended period of time. It's been so long since we've had peace.
I wanted to write down my latest experience with scripture reading. I finally finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time about a week before I went to the temple. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. And right after that I started in on the New Testament. This week, I will finish the gospels so I'm moving right along.
As part of my extensive New Year's resolutions, I decided I would make it a point to read every single day despite all. And for a while I was wondering what blessings this was bringing to my life because I sure wasn't noticing anything. So I decided to stop reading for a whole week, but do everything else the same and see what happened. This is what happened:
I fasted Sunday and decided that I couldn't NOT read because they go hand-in-hand. So I felt great that day.
Monday, I didn't read, but meant to pray but by the end of the day realized I'd forgotten even to pray in the morning. I decided I'd remember to pray the next day.
Tuesday I forgot to pray again until late and promised myself I'd remember to pray the next day.
By Wednesday, I realized that I remember to pray because I do it before I read my scriptures and if I'm forgetting to pray, it's as a result of my not reading....
Thursday, I prayed and didn't read but it felt a little empty.
Friday I forgot to pray again
Saturday I actually wanted to read my scriptures although I can't remember why - I think it was because I missed that "closeness" I feel when I pray and read my scriptures every day.
And by Saturday night my testimony was in place. By failing to read my scriptures, I am not giving myself that mental tickler to also pray and therefore depriving myself of that special nudge each morning to help me remember what it is I want to focus on for that day. My prayers in the morning are typically more extensive than those at night since I'm tired so not only was I not filling myself up each morning, I wasn't praying like I should.
This was all about two weeks ago and since then I am so grateful for the blessings of the scriptures and prayer, especially the combination. If nothing else happens each day, I read...and pray. And when I do, I feel peaceful, focused, grounded. I know what is expected of me, and am prepared to do it. I no longer expect to be edified by every single verse I read. It's a grounding tool for me and I am so thankful for it.
Today was a fabulous day at church. From the moment I entered the building, I felt the spirit and it was SO strong. Each song we sang filled me up, and the speakers during Sacrament meeting were sooo good. Both speakers discussed the atonement and how we can use it in our lives - a topic that is fascinating to me. There are so many facets that I still don't understand but what I do understand gives me such peace and areas for growth. It's amazing how much more even is available to us and yet most of us just barely skim the surface. I read a book recently called "The Peacegiver" - I actually think I might have mentioned it on this blog before possibly, but it talked in great detail about the Atonement and I was astonished at all the levels, and how we can apply it. It truly is a miracle that we are blessed with something so wonderful and likely don't even know to what extent that gift can change or affect our lives.
BTW, update on my better half: I came to a new conclusion (inspired??? - more likely than not) that to pray for contention in my home is asking Satan to live here, more or less. I've been praying for the contention to remain in our home so that complacency doesn't. What I mean is that the longer Todd and I experience contetention, he will be under pressure to analyze his feelings, attitudes, thoughts etc. When the pressure eases up, my belief is that he (like a lot of men I know) will fall back into a comfortable place of complacency and not challenge himself to look at the world in a new perspective. We only really ever do this when we are in a state of agitation, don't we? However, I made a promise to him about 3 weeks ago that I would LAY OFF and how did he say it?...."get off my ass". Hmm. I said okay that I'd try it and then if and only if he was rude, would I get "back on" to stretch his term a little more. As a result of this, shall we call it wisdom, we've had 3 weeks of relative peace! And I feel the spirit sometimes! So my enlightenment that I received today was that this peace is what is going to bring himi around, not the contention. The term "Satan is the father of contention" kept ringing in my head and that's when I realized I'd been going at it wrong. It's truly been lovely to actually get along for an extended period of time. It's been so long since we've had peace.
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