Sunday, October 21, 2007

New Resolve

I am so grateful for the tools that we latter day saints have at our disposal. Having General Conference is wonderful; being able to TIVO conference for our convenience is awesome. Additionally, if you don't like that format, it's provided in the written word the following month. And now, you can download it for free from iTunes as a podcast to listen to whenever (which is my preferred method). You can even download the entire Ensign magazine conference report to your handheld device or computer for free to read when you're in the doctor's office or standing in a line. I like that method too because you can annotate it on your computer and easily refer back to the parts that affected you the most.

We have scriptures also in every format as well as all of the church publications. I carry my handheld (iPaq) to church every Sunday and that's it. It has my scriptures, hymnbook, gospel principles, gospel doctrine and relief society manual on it, not to mention every Ensign I have ever downloaded. It's amazing!

For those of us who live in Utah, we have a plethora of neighbors who are LDS, and a church within walking distance. We have activities several times of month, as well as the weekly block of meetings. Additionally, as if that weren't enough, we Utah mormons all have a temple (again within usually a 10-15 minute drive - though we could walk if we had to).

And then there's the music...CD's, broadcasts, TV, iPod, what have you. It's all available to those who want it.

Compare this to early mormons who usually managed to meet weekly although sometimes at risk of their own lives. Most eventually were able to get copies of the Book of Mormon I suppose but the contrast is quite clear. A church building...how about a member's home. And temples...well, we know that story. There were no publications, no manuals, no general conference address broadcast over the world. I guess they can one-up us in that Joseph Smith was their neighbor and consequently, were able to learn first-hand from him.

We take for granted these wonderful blessings that are here to help strengthen our testimonies and convictions. Are we utilizing these tools? All of the resources put in place to help us?

Life is hard, and staying resolved to increase our testimonies is a constant struggle. Even with all of the resources, it can be difficult to stay focused on our true goal.

I have decided to begin fasting weekly again, and I started today. I decided that because since I stopped several months ago, I've never had such faith-building experiences as when I was fasting for my marriage. And although my marriage has made giant steps, it is still far from its intended goal. And the edges of that goal were starting to grow fuzzy. I hadn't lost sight of it but I wasn't having the faith in it like I was when I was fasting. I also believe that the reasons why my marriage is the way it is now, is because of my fasting. Like I said in my last post, such strident results can not be just from my own feeble efforts.

I am excited by my new resolve and have such faith in its potential. My strongest testimony is of fasting. It's truly amazing.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Some Perspective

I have a new friend who moved into my ward that I have become fairly good friends with. I was giving her some history on my situation the other day and in re-capping it, found that my testimony had increased without even realizing it.

When I look back on the past year, I am amazed by how far I have come! Only 10 months ago, my husband was not speaking to me and regarded me as the hired help. He loathed me, and was repulsed by my garments. He was rude, bitter and antagonistic with any comment he made regarding the church.

Today, he is loving and attentive. Although he falls into bad habits at times, for the most part when discussing my "church habits", he is teasing. He does not impede my efforts to get my daughter to church, and has even helped me from time-to-time getting her ready to go.

Had you told me back in January that we would have come this far in just a few 10 months, I'd have told you it was impossible. But that's where my testimony lies. Here it is just so I can always refer back to it:

I believe in the Atonement. When I have been taught to do what I can, and the Savior's Atonement will make up the difference, that's exactly what he meant. I've thought a lot about this and I did what I could. I fasted every week for what seemed like eternity. I went to the temple regardless of the diversity. I stuck to my guns and never denied my faith, and in fact stuck up for it under a strain that nearly dissolved my marriage. I read, prayed and attended my meetings regularly even when it made my husband angry. I gave up coffee, alcohol, shopping on Sunday, wearing tank tops & mini-skirts, running on Sunday, and 10% of my earnings. I did these things because the Lord asked me to. And then I prayed for more help. These things were not things a marriage counselor would typically associate with "working on your marriage". But I did these things anyway. And the Lord made up the balance. He filled in the gaps where he knew I needed help. I knew that both me and my husband were unable to do anything more to make our marriage better. All that had been done, was done. Now, my husband says our marriage is better than it was before we had our daughter, and I agree. That's a miracle. The only thing that would have been more a miracle would have been if an angel came down and told me that the Lord intended to help me. I'm so humbled by this and it was good to say it out loud. I have been so blessed.

Sometimes I get wallowing in my self-pity and wondering when things are going to change. I keep praying for my husband to have this great "change of heart" but I have to look back and see that he already has. I can't expect a 180 degree turn in 10 months. The Lord can do that but it's better if it comes a little at a time.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Books and Music

On one end of the spectrum, they can be evil & filthy. On the other side, they can be beautiful and uplifting. What are we experiencing?

I bring this up today because of a terrific talk I experienced today in Sacrament. I know, I'm always going off about fantastic speakers; that's just because I'm fortunate enough to live in a ward with highly intelligent & spiritual people who are willing to share their beautiful thoughts.

A new member (again) spoke today and he was so riveting I found myself completing ignoring my daughter as she proceeded to create a small tornado in the bench beside me. He talked about the value of learning. His beginning line of thinking discussed how many actual hours we spend in the actual classroom as we go throughout our education. He said by the time we get out of high school, we've spent approximately 18,000 hours of our time in a learning situation. He continued along this vein including a bachelor's degree, plus homework time to a whopping 28,000 hours of instruction. But then he compared it to the amount of time each of us puts forth in learning about our own faith, the gospel and the plan of salvation. These things are far more mysterious than chemical bonding or the works of Shakespeare. But most of us are not willing to give even a fraction of that time to earnest learning, self-instruction etc.

He gave many scriptural references to this affect as if to say, "see, if you'd bother to search the scriptures from time to time, you'd see it's all in here!" I personally don't give myself too hard a time about scripture study because I think that term is loose and is more directed at members who have actually read all of the scriptures from cover-to-cover first. How can you search the scriptures if you've never even read them? That's why I'm on a quest to finish them first. I've got the Book of Mormon accomplished, and am now nearly complete with the New Testament. Two down, three to go!

I was just inspired by his talk and the work I should be doing to increase my faith. That was his premise, after all. Faith, followed by works increases faith which encourages more works... Faith without works is dead. I loved it. It was so simple. That's what this whole Plan of Salvation is...so simple. It really is. We, as humankind, make it so difficult though! How hard is it to get up in the morning and do a little download to the Lord, read the scriptures...help a friend or not-friend, love our families, do a second download to the Lord again before you climb in bed. Don't steal, don't murder, don't lie...don't cheat on your wife, listen to him. Do what he asks. Be happy.

Our Relief Society lesson was also really good. It was on marriage and as it opened, I saw that the teacher had a bunch of pictures of couples doing photos outside of the temples (those wedding day pictures mormons are so familiar with). There was like 6 pictures on the table and I almost got up and walked out right then. My sister-in-law and her husband were just sealed in the temple yesterday and I'm still smarting from the injustice of it all. I just think I've made more mistakes and have a bigger bill to pay. Anyway, so I almost walked out but something told me to stay.

I stayed, and the longer I stayed, the more I felt I needed to stay so I knew what I should be teaching my daughter about eternal marriage. That felt like a good reason so I got comfortable. The lesson was mainly on how to make a marriage work. Again, it was like a simple little recipe. One of the most important points given was to be unselfish. She (and a few others she called up to testify to this truth) said that you can't reap what you haven't sown. If you spend your marital life doing your best to put your partner first, it all comes around, and you will enjoy the fruits of your own labor. I thought hard about that while she spoke and I could actually envsion that in my own life. My husband is quite a different person when I spend more time thinking about him instead of just me and the little girl. Although things around my house have been SO SO SO SO much better, we will sink into complacency though and this may be the best way to get things back on track each and every time.

I got home from church and my husband had sunk into his little hidey hole. That means he has retreated into his mind and is a little sullen. I don't know what prompts these little sulky bursts, and I wish I did. After 12 years, you'd think I could figure them out. If I had to guess, I'd say it's related to church although he's done this for a long time so I don't think it solely related to church. He was completely fine yesterday. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very gracious. I asked him if he was hungry to which he said no. 10 minutes later, he was in the house making himself a sandwich. Go figure.

Lord, I'm doing my best with what I gave myself. Have patience with me.

Oh, the music thing, I almost forgot. During sacrament, the choir sang. I'm sort of starting to like our choir. Their choice of song today was really beautiful and I sat there welling up as I often do during a musical number. I had an inspiration right then. I feel the spirit most often when I fast, and when I hear music. I struggle so much to feel the spirit in my home during the week. The thought occurred to me that I should get better music and play it in my home. I know, I know! This is such a absurdly simple thought for other mormon mothers who have figured this out ages ago, but I'm a little slow in the uptake.

I think that between the music and the books, I might really have something! Pray for me please!