Mother's Day

I could have done without this particular week. . It's interesting how even after so many good things can happen in one's life, a single event can completely and utterly overshadow all else. That was my week and interestingly enough, it was an terrible event with Todd that overshadowed the rest of a rather good week. It's just that we've had a relatively good past 2 months where it's been tense somewhat but no big blowouts. And then this week was a humongous blowout, and I found out it was because of Women's Conference. I guess he thinks I'm "living my own life" and that's true. And if I were him, I'd feel bad too. And, although I know how much comfort and protection I can receive from the Savior, I sometimes don't rely on him and use the Atonement in this situation as much as I should. But he still helps me, provides me moments of obvious intervention at critical times, that I am so grateful for. We went to our counselor and although Natalie ended up being there as well, we were able to re-connect briefly to help us "shed our fig leaves" for a moment and remember that we are still trying to keep this marriage together.

I did pray while this was going on as to whether staying with him was the right choice. Being without him would be so much easier in so many ways but I kept getting the answer that I need to hang in there. I got the specific feeling several times that this is just a hiccup in a rather slow but steady incline, and to give up now would be like jumping ship after the storm's over. It sure didn't feel like the storm was over this week and I thought it would sure feel good to jump and as hard as it is to stay and be treated the way I am, I think the Lord will take care of this for me. I have to just do what he says - ALL that he says.

I was gone Friday & Saturday to Boise for my Ellen's babyshower. Yes, she's having a baby in 2 weeks - this is her 2nd. Yes, I cried when I found out she was pregnant again because I hate that I'm not the one who is going to have another. I hate that I've made so many bad decisions that have put me where I am. I have built my little house and now I have to live in it. But....I suppose that I have to be grateful that I found the tool to get me out before I bricked myself completely in. I have to have faith that if I do what I know I need to be doing, that he will enable me to have another baby. I do know it's what he wants from me. He will make it happen if I do my part.

I got home from Boise at 11:30 last night and was not able to get up to go to church this morning. I was so tired and Nat needed extra sleep too from that long drive. So we stayed with Todd which was nice for once. He was considerate to me today. We went to lunch then shopping for Natalie's summer clothes; something that Todd would not usually be included in but it was actually a pleasant experience and he let me buy whatever I wanted for her, and even a few things for myself. There was not one harsh word between us so perhaps there is hope.

For the 2nd time in 2 weeks, Todd has mentioned his desire for another baby. He said it today how he needs a little boy to play ball with before he is too old. I'm so scared: as much as I want one, I'm so scared for what our future holds. It's scary enough with just one baby, let alone two. It's so much responsibility for as tenuous as our lives are right now.

Women's Conference

This past Friday, I went to BYU Women's Conference and the theme this year was "Thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this." What an elaborate and well choreographed event this was! I swear there were literally thousands upon thousands of people there just that day. I was very impressed. I went to a few very good lectures. The first was on the redeeming power of the Atonement, the 2nd was about Fasting & Praying, and the third, my personal favorite was about creating harmonious families with less-active members. This latter one I hope to someday find published somewhere because both speakers were excellent! The first one discussed her 50-year marriage to a man who was not a member, and the second described her relationship with her father who had never become a member. This last one was like hearing Natalie talk in 20 years about her father and it struck me like a brick in my head and I just cried. What rediculous and silly choices I have made in my younger years are having such a profound influence upon my daughter!

2 Nephi 2:2
Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

I looked up "consecrate" in the dictionary and it means: to make (something) an object of honor or veneration; hallow

I'm like the next person and have had my share of troubles/challenges/problems etc. And when I read this scripture I can't help but feel built up. It has been a hard lesson to learn that your challenges are with us to make us stronger. The Lord does not give them to us indiscriminantly without purpose. To "consecrate thine aflictions for thy gain" means that he will use them to make us better. HE will use them, not WE will use them. We have to remember that we don't have much to do with it other than to set our own will.

Something someone said at Women's Conference was very interesting and I don't want to forget it. She said that our free will was the ONLY thing we had to freely give away and that's why the Lord wants it. Everything else we have are things he's given to us and can take away at any moment. He is not allowed, by the laws he created, to take our will. If we love him, we will give it to him to prove that we not only TRUST him (it's the whole have a bird, set it free...if it loves you it'll come back dealio), but realize that he knows and wants what's best for us and will guide us if we let him.

So back to the consecration thing. We give up our free will, we let him do the talking. He will make things hard for us and that's when we get to the trust part. We have to trust that the hard stuff he deals out is for our own good. He doesn't want to see us suffer...he wants to see us rise above it, stand taller, be better. He wants us to learn and know that he will be there to support us when the challenge becomes too hard for us alone to bear. After all, we're still only the children of men.