I could have done without this particular week. . It's interesting how even after so many good things can happen in one's life, a single event can completely and utterly overshadow all else. That was my week and interestingly enough, it was an terrible event with Todd that overshadowed the rest of a rather good week. It's just that we've had a relatively good past 2 months where it's been tense somewhat but no big blowouts. And then this week was a humongous blowout, and I found out it was because of Women's Conference. I guess he thinks I'm "living my own life" and that's true. And if I were him, I'd feel bad too. And, although I know how much comfort and protection I can receive from the Savior, I sometimes don't rely on him and use the Atonement in this situation as much as I should. But he still helps me, provides me moments of obvious intervention at critical times, that I am so grateful for. We went to our counselor and although Natalie ended up being there as well, we were able to re-connect briefly to help us "shed our fig leaves" for a moment and remember that we are still trying to keep this marriage together.
I did pray while this was going on as to whether staying with him was the right choice. Being without him would be so much easier in so many ways but I kept getting the answer that I need to hang in there. I got the specific feeling several times that this is just a hiccup in a rather slow but steady incline, and to give up now would be like jumping ship after the storm's over. It sure didn't feel like the storm was over this week and I thought it would sure feel good to jump and as hard as it is to stay and be treated the way I am, I think the Lord will take care of this for me. I have to just do what he says - ALL that he says.
I was gone Friday & Saturday to Boise for my Ellen's babyshower. Yes, she's having a baby in 2 weeks - this is her 2nd. Yes, I cried when I found out she was pregnant again because I hate that I'm not the one who is going to have another. I hate that I've made so many bad decisions that have put me where I am. I have built my little house and now I have to live in it. But....I suppose that I have to be grateful that I found the tool to get me out before I bricked myself completely in. I have to have faith that if I do what I know I need to be doing, that he will enable me to have another baby. I do know it's what he wants from me. He will make it happen if I do my part.
I got home from Boise at 11:30 last night and was not able to get up to go to church this morning. I was so tired and Nat needed extra sleep too from that long drive. So we stayed with Todd which was nice for once. He was considerate to me today. We went to lunch then shopping for Natalie's summer clothes; something that Todd would not usually be included in but it was actually a pleasant experience and he let me buy whatever I wanted for her, and even a few things for myself. There was not one harsh word between us so perhaps there is hope.
For the 2nd time in 2 weeks, Todd has mentioned his desire for another baby. He said it today how he needs a little boy to play ball with before he is too old. I'm so scared: as much as I want one, I'm so scared for what our future holds. It's scary enough with just one baby, let alone two. It's so much responsibility for as tenuous as our lives are right now.
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A little history...
I'm writing this post as an accounting of my re-conversion to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was raised and baptized into this church as a young girl but decided to leave and become "inactive" when I was 17. I married twice and in my latest marriage, have a little girl who is now 4 1/2. I've always known I was spiritual and that God would become important again at some point in my life. It did, when I became a mother. Three years ago, I started going to church again and I have felt loved, supported, forgiven and a million other emotions since then. Unfortunately, I do this alone. My husband, also raised in this church, has decided to remain inactive. It has put a rift in our marriage as it is a very family oriented church. He has been very antagonistic and makes it difficult for me to be a member. I do my best to take my daughter with me when I go. Although my entries don't start until this about a year ago, my re-conversion is still occurring and will be for many years as I learn more about my Savior, Jesus Christ and about the great sacrifice he made for me, and you, in Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary. To fully understand all that I've been through, you may feel inclined to start from the beginning post. If this is something you are also going through, I would like to hear from you. We need to stick together, form a network of faith and support. God hears our prayers, but we can be of support to each other as well.
I believe that Jesus lives, that he loves each of us and suffered our sins so that we could overcome Satan and live in his glory for eternity with our families.
I believe that Jesus lives, that he loves each of us and suffered our sins so that we could overcome Satan and live in his glory for eternity with our families.
1 comment:
Funny how "events" such as Mother's Day can precipitate crises in our relationships. Things seem to be going along smoothly and then, bam, there's another blowup. Your comments about praying about staying in the relationship and receiving inspiration touched me. I should be doing more of that, altho' I have long felt that I need to hang in there and had a couple of very interesting dreams to that effect that I'll tell you about some time if you're interested.
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