Not Such a Happy Day

It's Sunday again about 5pm. Time to end my fast. It's been a hard day but that's typical for Sundays. It seems that the combination of factors are aligned to cause a fight. First and foremost are the adversary because I'm fasting. Second is that Todd is home, and third, I'm going to church on Sundays. Put the three together, and it's a fight. Perhaps I should consider fasting another day.

Todd's still not giving me so much as a hug. I said, "I love you" on the phone the other day, and he said, "you too" which is actually really a big step but I'm still pretty frustrated. He just doesn't seem to have an inner-indicator that tells him when enough is enough or when he's gone over the edge of being inappropriate. Today our fight was about something silly but he changed it to be about my going to church and of course the temple. I finally said that it didn't appear that he was ever going to change his behavior toward me and that I had a responsiblity to Natalie. I can't let Natalie grow up believing that this is the proper way for a man to treat his wife. And that's it. I hope it didn't come out as a threat, although I'm sure he took it that way, but I told him that I couldn't stay around much longer if he was going to continue to behave that way. I told him that if it weren't for Nat, I'd subject myself to it for much longer but for her sake, I just can't.

I have to use the "divorce" card more frequently than I like to, but I do because it works. He knows I can easily support Natalie and myself with a really good life. I could buy a house and have a terrifically paying job tomorrow and never even blink. Not to mention that he knows that I'd get custody of Nat. Sometimes I hate that I am so capable because it makes it easier to play the card, but at other times, I'm just so grateful I have it.

During the course of our discussion, he grumbled that it was likely that he certainly would get over the fact that I'm wearing garments. What he was having a hard time digesting was that he doesn't feel that I included him on the decision to change his life. Which is false of course. I talked with him as much as I could. He had to sign the letter. I even asked him to talk to the Bishop about it but he refused. I think what he is talking about is that I didn't make my decision in accord with what he desired. That would have been the only acceptable course of action on my part. He's only looking at it from his perspective. He thinks I didn't think about him at all. And to me, that is so far from the truth, that when he says it, I almost want to cry. Okay, most of the time I do cry. It hurts so badly for him to think that I am that selfish. He has no concept of really why I did what I did, and whom I really did it for. Yes, I did it for me. But I wouldn't have done it right now (of all times) JUST for me, especially knowing how he felt about it. But of course he can't see that and won't.

I wish my life would be put on fast forward. I want to get to the part where he finally remembers, and appreciates the sacrifices that I felt compelled to make for us, and especially for Natalie. Honestly if it weren't, again, for Natalie I probably wouldn't have even gone back to church. But I did. And I'm so glad I did. It was the most right thing I've ever done in this world except for become a mother.