Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Bishop's Call

The Bishop called me this afternoon. He said he'd been thinking a lot about my calling change and hadn't really felt right about it. Funny, that's sort of the way that I felt about it.

We talked for a while about it and he decided that perhaps moving me wasn't what he wanted to do after all. So, I'll be announced AGAIN in sacrament this Sunday and all I asked was that it wouldn't make me look like a petulant child since I really hadn't asked to be re-instated. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I didn't call a single soul and discuss it. I only felt bad inside about it.

Anyway, that's the deal...I'm happy about it.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I Need To Write More Frequently

Ahhhh. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. I've had some weird thought processes that continue to plague me. I know there are plenty of people that read this blog and I should be keeping it more updated. It might also help me get through my "issues".

As it is, I was released from my Personal Progress calling today after being in it for little less than a year. All being said, I think I gave it 75% effort and is that good? With what goes on in my life every time I try to participate wholly in a calling, I'd say yes, it is good. I was in charge of Young Women in Excellence and New Beginnings, as well as several mutual activities - all activities that required that I be away from home. It was not cool according to Todd. I put up with a lot of criticism for being away those evenings.

It seemed for awhile that Todd was easing up and becoming more comfortable with the idea of me participating more in church activities but it turns out that it was not. We had it out several weeks ago when he felt that I was spending more time on church stuff than on our marriage. Again, he felt "betrayed". I don't get that but whatever. Whatever. I wish I could get that better but for now, it escapes me.

So, I was taken out of that calling. Am I the only person who feels a distinct sense of rejection when being released from a calling? Did I do something wrong? It's true that the New Beginning's program, which by the way was LAST SUNDAY, (yeah, pretty clear message: New Beginnings Sunday...not even a week goes by and I am released - Bishop even stopped by my house on Thursday so he was serious) was not exactly how I had pictured it and went very long but I thought it was alright. And whether or not it was my perseverance or someone else's, I've had 4 girls finish their personal progress in 9 months. I'd call that success in something but I was released anyway.

What was I called to? Young Women transition specialist. You know, helping the Laurels transition to Relief Society when they turn 18. The bishop specifically mentioned that it should be more lax in time requirements and not require me to participate in meetings and activities as much. Was this especially a problem that no one mentioned to me? Why am I feeling defensive about a volunteer position? I'm being a little irrational... Yeah, I nearly cried.

On another note, a good friend of mine asked me a question last week that's kept my mind reeling all week long. She's been struggling with her spirituality and her testimony for as long as I've known her and sh.e asked me if I truly have a testimony that our church is "true". Truth be told, I actually really dislike that saying..."I know this church is true". I actually believe that a lot of churches are true. As to the most complete, then yes, this is how I would rather describe it. So she asked me this and we have a pact to always tell the truth to each other regardless of the repercussions. So I said I said I do and she asked why. It was hard for me...and that's hard to admit because we Mormons want to be perfect and never admit to another that our testimonies ever quaver because that would admit that we falter here and there. But I'm not perfect and my testimony wavers. I told her I'd have to think about it. And I have.

And I didn't really like what I came up with. I have a strong testimony of the gospel, yes this is true. But why. I decided that I'm a really black and white person and I like the boundaries that the gospel provides in my life. I decided a long time ago that I have specific ideas about how I want to lead my life. I want to be a good person. But it's a pretty nebulous term and lots of stuff could go wrong if you don't know exactly how to accomplish your goals. The gospel lays it out pretty specifically and that's what I really like about it.

But what about all the rest of what the gospel has to offer? I feel like I'm missing a huge boat here. Like my relationship with Christ. Like my covenants. Like the temple. Like the atonement. So much needs to be resolved here. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all of this like perhaps I'm really there for all of the wrong reasons. And if that's the case, why am I putting myself through all of this hell at home just for some boundaries that I'm sure I could establish on my own - and teach my children about without alienating my husband and creating the strife I have.

Anyway, I'm not about to give up - I've invested too much already and it would be very premature. But I've got some big things to think about. I know I'm being tempted. First that conversation with my friend and then being released from my calling.

I feel like I don't want to go to church tomorrow but how lame will that be. I'm sure I'll be called during Sacrament to my new calling and what better way to announce to the entire congregation that I am not there is to not be there when I'm announced to a new calling. Ahhhh.

On one other note, I went to a family history fair today. I really love doing family history. And, if I lose faith then there's really no purpose in doing family history other than as some hobby like other non-LDS genealogists. I loved being there and learning the things I did. I love the puzzle and the challenge and uncovering information no one else has ever uncovered before. It's incredibly awesome. I am inspired. Perhaps this is what will get me through this rough spell. Someone told me that I need to read the Book of Mormon. Maybe I need to do that too.