I didn't go to church last Sunday which was bad, bad, bad. Knowing myself the way I do, I should know that going each week is like hitting the gas station. I need that fill-up!
So by this Sunday, I was ready to quit entirely, isn't that so bad? I'm so tired of all the crap with my husband. It's as if he's got a license to be a jerk whenever he feels like it, and whenever I call him on it, he just reacts as if everything he's doing, I should expect, and that I deserve it too. I'm so tired of it...so so tired!
The worst thing is knowing that if I did stop going to church, he would be like a new man! He would start treating me SO much better and my quality of life around the house would improve monumentally. It's such a temptation, believe me!
But if I haven't given up yet, no sense in doing it now. My little "oil lamp" has gone a little dry in recent months from my lack if diligence, something I am stridently working on.
But today's Fast Sunday, and Testimony Meeting were amazing. I didn't want to fast today, interesting especially considering how much I love to fast. No, I don't love to fast, but I love the blessings. They're truly awesome. I couldn't have been the only person to feel the almost palpable spirit in that room today. I cried so hard I thought I was making a scene. I caught the lady sitting across the aisle from me watching me carefully - especially since I was so caught up in my own emotions, I wasn't really watching my daugher as she caroused like she was at a birthday party. Ooops.
Then, later in Sunday School, our teacher made a comment that struck me so hard. I was still feeling the spirit very strong so when she made a referral to Heavenly Father, it caused me to think of him in a new way. I found myself comparing him to the most loving person I've ever met, and then knowing he's even more so. I've often found it difficult to visualize who I am praying to, but with this new representation, I am much more at ease. I prayed later with this thought in my head and I literally felt as if I was finally talking to a friend, someone who wanted to hear me, was interested in all I had to say, wanted to comfort me and wanted to forgive me for making stupid decisions. It was probably the most profound thing that's happened to me in months. Sadly, as the day wore on and the spirit left, so did part of that feeling but I won't let it entirely slip away. It felt too good.
I've been feeling so empty lately, wondering what the heck my life is even good for. I'm no good at so many things. I spread myself so thin that I never get anything really done. I try to be a good mother and wife, but even there I can't be sure I'm making a difference. But our lesson in SS was on the millenium. It gave me hope to remember that's part of what we're working toward. I so want to be there to do the temple work, and especially to know what it's like to live on this earth for that many years in utter peace. What a thrilling thought! To never worry about the ozone, wars, politics, health insurance, etc. So great!
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3 comments:
Man, I hate to see you go thru these dark times. If your husband is antagonistic, then, I know it’s hard, but you need to respond in a non-confrontational way so that hopefully in time, he will see how the gospel actually helps you to be a better person which in turn makes you a better wife. How can he not want that! My situation was a little different. He was OK about my going to church with the kids, but I found that it was very depressing for me. All the talk of temple marriages, the church activities focused around families, and seeing these wonderful worthy priesthood holders, and then I would go home to a husband watching football and drinking beer. I found myself losing respect for him. I felt that my activity was hurting my marriage because I felt less for him. I went in and out of activity and was only barely hanging on, but I did, despite the pain, because I wanted my kids raised LDS. It was wrong the way I felt, I would dig at him about church because I was frustrated with him so he pulled further away from me. He bristled at any mention of religion. Over time, I decided to just worry about my salvation and accept him the way he was. When I wised up and focused on my spirituality, and just loved him, he came around...... It took 13 difficult years..... I’m forever grateful that I went thru all that, It made me a better and a more spiritual person and now our lives are tremendously blessed! Hang in there! It’s all worth it! It okay to struggle.
Your friend Julie
PS...am I your “lurker” ? Trabucco Canyon though not my address is a few minutes from me, so I think that’s me. I’m not lurking :-) I just care about your struggles and wish you only the best. I hope I can be of some help....... I wrote you earlier, thanks for responding.
oh sorry! i didn't mean "lurking" as a bad thing! lurking in the blogosphere just means that you are blog-surfing. lol
and yes, now i remember you emailed me before. i'm glad to know it was you! in my site meter, it tells me from where people come and i see patterns.
thanks for your words of encouragement. when i decided to dissolve the conflict in my marriage, that's when i felt my bouy (sp?) sink just a little. now i feel like i have to paddle so much harder to stay afloat. sounds like you did the same thing.
i'm so happy that your husband discovered the gospel. i'm sure it's brought you so much joy. i hope someday todd finds that peace himself. :) take care!
Have you talked to your husband and let him know that he treats you diferently? maybe he dosnt really realize (Just letting you know I am the worlds WORST speller) How he's behaving. Also about that whole going to church thing. I use to have a hard time,because our church was at 9 in the morning. I use to complain why's it so early...or I would be late.
7 months ago I was injured. In just a moments time I lost my job,and my ability to live pain free. My life totaly fliped upside down. Why did this have to happen. I lost feeling in my legs for quite some time and I am just now out of a painfull opperation. I can honestly say that I have wanted to go to church so badly. My heart ached. I went to church for the first time in 7 months a week ago. It wasn't easy and I could only stay for sacrament but what a difference it made. I have been recieving the sacrament in my home ever since I got hurt but there is nothing that can replace the spirit you feel in that sacred building. Bonding with your brothers and sisters. Strengthing spirits ttogether. Wanting to go to Church and not being abel to. I'm still verrrry human...but I hope that I will never again take advantage of being abel to go and worship. I pray I never again treat that sunday school lesson as dull and nothing new to learn. Its perspective. I can choose to listen with a open heart and new ears. hope I dont sound preachy, its just I miss it so.
your sister in the gospel
Tagm
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