I really wanted to talk about my marriage for a minute. Just get it out there:
I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.
I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.
I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.
So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.
My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
My Testimony
I've gone on and on on this blog about my experiences; I've shared a lot of how I feel, what's come about in my life and I've gone into detail about various aspects of living as a mormon, and the blessings I receive as I try to live the way God has asked us to.
But I've never shared my testimony. Here. And now I think it's time.
I don't know who will read this but I hope that whoever does, it will touch and you will understand that what I have is holy. What I have is something I have worked hard to get. It was not free. I do not take it for granted. It is not a cheap possession. It is valued more than any other thing I have because without it, I literally would have nothing - and that is literal.
I believe in God. He is a sweet man who has a hug that feels like your insides will fly apart out of sheer joy. I believe he wept when he told his son that a sacrifice was necessary. I believe in Jesus. I believe that in Gethsemane he endured every single temptation we have ever bore. And he withstood them. And for that I can't even express my gratitude. Because if he had succumbed, the balance would have tipped and we would have fallen off the scale.
I believe in fasting. Fasting, for me, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to us. I have received so many miracles, yes miracles, from fasting that I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to fast. I love it. I love how close I feel to Him, and I can feel him comforting me. I can. I promise. I have fasted a lot and it's where my strongest testimony lies. If I'm ever in need, ever in doubt...if I ever need more...I fast and I receive. It's that simple.
I believe in The Promise. There's something awesome waiting for us. He's asked some hard things from us, yes. But if I can receive all I do from just not eating for 24 hours, then what am I going to receive from doing all he asks for my whole life? It's inconceiveable. I believe it. I want it, whatever it is. I have a feeling of surety inside of me that can't be torn down. No one can convince me - I would live in hell for my whole life to have what I know is waiting. I'm that sure.
I can't be swayed. The most important person in my life tries to sway me everyday and can't. That should tell you something. I know where I'm headed. I have eyes set forward, my feet are on the road and a steady hand guides my every move. I know where I'm headed. Do you?
But I've never shared my testimony. Here. And now I think it's time.
I don't know who will read this but I hope that whoever does, it will touch and you will understand that what I have is holy. What I have is something I have worked hard to get. It was not free. I do not take it for granted. It is not a cheap possession. It is valued more than any other thing I have because without it, I literally would have nothing - and that is literal.
I believe in God. He is a sweet man who has a hug that feels like your insides will fly apart out of sheer joy. I believe he wept when he told his son that a sacrifice was necessary. I believe in Jesus. I believe that in Gethsemane he endured every single temptation we have ever bore. And he withstood them. And for that I can't even express my gratitude. Because if he had succumbed, the balance would have tipped and we would have fallen off the scale.
I believe in fasting. Fasting, for me, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to us. I have received so many miracles, yes miracles, from fasting that I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to fast. I love it. I love how close I feel to Him, and I can feel him comforting me. I can. I promise. I have fasted a lot and it's where my strongest testimony lies. If I'm ever in need, ever in doubt...if I ever need more...I fast and I receive. It's that simple.
I believe in The Promise. There's something awesome waiting for us. He's asked some hard things from us, yes. But if I can receive all I do from just not eating for 24 hours, then what am I going to receive from doing all he asks for my whole life? It's inconceiveable. I believe it. I want it, whatever it is. I have a feeling of surety inside of me that can't be torn down. No one can convince me - I would live in hell for my whole life to have what I know is waiting. I'm that sure.
I can't be swayed. The most important person in my life tries to sway me everyday and can't. That should tell you something. I know where I'm headed. I have eyes set forward, my feet are on the road and a steady hand guides my every move. I know where I'm headed. Do you?
Tithing Settlement & Callings
...a relatively new concept for me. That I'm even paying tithing is highly sensitive information. I shred all receipts and even tear out the carbon from my checkbook 'lest my hubby finds it.
I didn't sign up for my tithing settlement mainly because I had no idea what it was. Honestly, I was worried about what I'd say. Here I am with a temple recommend, wearing my garments proudly and trying to be a "good mormon" but I have to say truthfully that there was about 3 times that I did not pay this year. I had every intention of doing so but then just didn't. And I didn't want to have to confess it. And, I've never been to a tithing settlement so I didn't know what went on in there and I was nervous. Hmm, sounds like Satan's hand here on retrospect.
So, embarrassingly enough, I got pulled out of Sunday School by the Bishop this past Sunday because he was worried that I didn't sign up because I didn't want to come at a time that would disrupt things at home. What a nice guy. He'd even instructed his...I dont' know what to call them...guys not to call me and leave me a message at my house about it - now that's sensitive!
I told him I wasn't a full tithe payer because there were a few times I didn't pay. I told him I'd had a rough year trying to be faithful on my own and that things at home were still pretty rotten, all truths. I also told him I had no way of accounting for the tithing I'd paid because I got rid of all of the "evidence". I felt bad when he appeared to feel sorry for me and told me he was going to report me a full tithe payer. Now if that won't get me to pay a full tithing this year, then I don't know what will.
During that meeting, he also told me he was very close to calling me as the Activities Committee Head. I'm already on that committee and I was surpised to hear that I was considered. Turns out, they ended up calling another lady and I can only hope it was because they had prayed and knew it wouldn't have been a good match. I think I would have turned it down. I've been on the committee for about 1 1/2 years and so far, although I've helped organize and set-up nearly all of the activities, I've only actually attended about 1/2 of them due to home stuff or other obligations. That just wouldn't cut it as the Head.
He asked if I would consider another calling - something that wasn't just a Sunday calling. I told him it would depend, so he said he'd think about it. As part of the Activities Committee, I'm also the building scheduler. Last year, I was the scheduler for all 3 of the wards that meet in our building. This year I am just the go-to girl for our ward and the main scheduler has rotated to another ward, thank goodness. I've not even been called as a Visiting Teacher yet which probably has its pros & cons.
I think I could teach Relief Society - that would be fun. It's not like I have to have a lot of knowledge for that since you mainly teach from the manual. I've heard that if you teach, you learn a lot more than if you're just sitting in the crowd. I could benefit from that! But, there's probably not an opening and they likely have something more suitable for me in mind. Considering a teaching position in the Relief Society is pretty presumptious, I think. I've only been active for not quite 2 years.
I didn't sign up for my tithing settlement mainly because I had no idea what it was. Honestly, I was worried about what I'd say. Here I am with a temple recommend, wearing my garments proudly and trying to be a "good mormon" but I have to say truthfully that there was about 3 times that I did not pay this year. I had every intention of doing so but then just didn't. And I didn't want to have to confess it. And, I've never been to a tithing settlement so I didn't know what went on in there and I was nervous. Hmm, sounds like Satan's hand here on retrospect.
So, embarrassingly enough, I got pulled out of Sunday School by the Bishop this past Sunday because he was worried that I didn't sign up because I didn't want to come at a time that would disrupt things at home. What a nice guy. He'd even instructed his...I dont' know what to call them...guys not to call me and leave me a message at my house about it - now that's sensitive!
I told him I wasn't a full tithe payer because there were a few times I didn't pay. I told him I'd had a rough year trying to be faithful on my own and that things at home were still pretty rotten, all truths. I also told him I had no way of accounting for the tithing I'd paid because I got rid of all of the "evidence". I felt bad when he appeared to feel sorry for me and told me he was going to report me a full tithe payer. Now if that won't get me to pay a full tithing this year, then I don't know what will.
During that meeting, he also told me he was very close to calling me as the Activities Committee Head. I'm already on that committee and I was surpised to hear that I was considered. Turns out, they ended up calling another lady and I can only hope it was because they had prayed and knew it wouldn't have been a good match. I think I would have turned it down. I've been on the committee for about 1 1/2 years and so far, although I've helped organize and set-up nearly all of the activities, I've only actually attended about 1/2 of them due to home stuff or other obligations. That just wouldn't cut it as the Head.
He asked if I would consider another calling - something that wasn't just a Sunday calling. I told him it would depend, so he said he'd think about it. As part of the Activities Committee, I'm also the building scheduler. Last year, I was the scheduler for all 3 of the wards that meet in our building. This year I am just the go-to girl for our ward and the main scheduler has rotated to another ward, thank goodness. I've not even been called as a Visiting Teacher yet which probably has its pros & cons.
I think I could teach Relief Society - that would be fun. It's not like I have to have a lot of knowledge for that since you mainly teach from the manual. I've heard that if you teach, you learn a lot more than if you're just sitting in the crowd. I could benefit from that! But, there's probably not an opening and they likely have something more suitable for me in mind. Considering a teaching position in the Relief Society is pretty presumptious, I think. I've only been active for not quite 2 years.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Step Outside Myself
My husband and I went to Wendover with his business partner this past weekend. He happens to be a "high-roller" in Wendover and was lured by the hotels. They comp'd a limo, rooms and food.
I was looking forward to some time with my husband since we always have such a good time there together. In times past though we've both been drunk so I was a little curious how it would be with me sober this time.
Basically I found my standards tested many times. Obviously I was offered more than a multitude of drinks. They were everywhere. About 8x an hour a waitress would come by and ask if I'd like something to drink. I'd get a strange look when I'd say, "Yes thank you - a diet pepsi please". It actually didn't affect my good time in any way and for that I was grateful for that blessing.
What I did find was that by not drinking, I was able to see those who drink in better perspective. I'm 34 now, and even if I wasn't Mormon, I'm a little too old to be drinking to get drunk. The women who were my age or older who were looked silly and even a little pathetic to me. It's one thing to have a graceful glass of wine but to be schlepping beer after beer just looks tasteless and loose: something I decided this past weekend that I'm glad to have put behind me for that very reason alone.
My husband's business partner got sloppy drunk, very mouthy, rude, politically incorrect, inappropriate and downright white-trash. Again, had I been drinking I would have found him funny, and excused his behavior all in the fun of the evening. But not being drunk, I found it difficult to accept the comp's that came to us because of him. I didn't want to be around him, not to mention flatter him by letting him assume that I thought it was alright for him to behave so disrespectfully. I let him know in a tasteful and gracious manner what I thought, without jeopordizing my husband's business relationship.
I'm sure I came off as a prude, stuffed-shirt. It's funny because although I don't exactly like being seen that way to anyone, I knew it was only because they were drunk and I wasn't. They just couldn't appreciate there is more to life than a buzz. In comparison, to my friends, I am the life of the party! I love making people laugh, and I make a lot of noise socializing - surely not the quite, shy and stuffed-shirt in my group of friends. I might be a bit prude but that's just me.
Anyway, I was very tempted to have a drink this weekend, at the end of it all. And probably had I been encouraged just a little bit more by my husband, I might have because I love my Corona with a lime, not to mention Tangara & tonic. But Heavenly Father knew my weakness in that situation and blessed me by not creating too much temptation than I could handle at the time. He also helped me see what I was turning my back on in comparison to what I was embracing. When I got on my knees when I was home, I felt the wholeness of his promise. I would have never believed it was possible to feel so much comfort and love. He asks us to give up things that we don't want to, things that we really enjoy - but he truly does give us something better in return. I honestly believe that.
I was looking forward to some time with my husband since we always have such a good time there together. In times past though we've both been drunk so I was a little curious how it would be with me sober this time.
Basically I found my standards tested many times. Obviously I was offered more than a multitude of drinks. They were everywhere. About 8x an hour a waitress would come by and ask if I'd like something to drink. I'd get a strange look when I'd say, "Yes thank you - a diet pepsi please". It actually didn't affect my good time in any way and for that I was grateful for that blessing.
What I did find was that by not drinking, I was able to see those who drink in better perspective. I'm 34 now, and even if I wasn't Mormon, I'm a little too old to be drinking to get drunk. The women who were my age or older who were looked silly and even a little pathetic to me. It's one thing to have a graceful glass of wine but to be schlepping beer after beer just looks tasteless and loose: something I decided this past weekend that I'm glad to have put behind me for that very reason alone.
My husband's business partner got sloppy drunk, very mouthy, rude, politically incorrect, inappropriate and downright white-trash. Again, had I been drinking I would have found him funny, and excused his behavior all in the fun of the evening. But not being drunk, I found it difficult to accept the comp's that came to us because of him. I didn't want to be around him, not to mention flatter him by letting him assume that I thought it was alright for him to behave so disrespectfully. I let him know in a tasteful and gracious manner what I thought, without jeopordizing my husband's business relationship.
I'm sure I came off as a prude, stuffed-shirt. It's funny because although I don't exactly like being seen that way to anyone, I knew it was only because they were drunk and I wasn't. They just couldn't appreciate there is more to life than a buzz. In comparison, to my friends, I am the life of the party! I love making people laugh, and I make a lot of noise socializing - surely not the quite, shy and stuffed-shirt in my group of friends. I might be a bit prude but that's just me.
Anyway, I was very tempted to have a drink this weekend, at the end of it all. And probably had I been encouraged just a little bit more by my husband, I might have because I love my Corona with a lime, not to mention Tangara & tonic. But Heavenly Father knew my weakness in that situation and blessed me by not creating too much temptation than I could handle at the time. He also helped me see what I was turning my back on in comparison to what I was embracing. When I got on my knees when I was home, I felt the wholeness of his promise. I would have never believed it was possible to feel so much comfort and love. He asks us to give up things that we don't want to, things that we really enjoy - but he truly does give us something better in return. I honestly believe that.
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