Just a Memory

When I was 16, I had a boyfriend named Jason. I was a naughty girl and was doing things that my parents would not have approved of.

I snuck out a lot when I was a teenager. Jason was so cool. I met him at a club and he drove a beautiful white porche. He was graduated from high school already and what he saw in me, I'll never know. But I was reckless, carefree, dangerous and those were probably enticing. Thinking back, if I had a son, I wouldn't want him coming within 10 miles of a girl like me.

I forgot to mention that to my surprise, Jason was raised mormon too although like me, he was not interested in the slightest.

One night I snuck out and we were out walking in a park at around midnight. I'd been thinking a lot about my life and my how my parents responded to me, and what I needed to do to correct the path I was on. I casually said,

"Jason, do you want to be good?"
"What?"
"Let's be good! Do you want to?"

He knew exactly what I meant because I think I might have explained what I meant.

"Hell no!" is what he finally replied.

I dropped it! I never brought it up again and I let him persuade me that what we were doing was more fun. Well, for a teenager it actually was. For an adult it's more FUN - if that's what life were really all about; but it's not.

When I married my husband, who as you already know was raised LDS also, I stupidly expected that someday, he'd want to "be good" too. And that when he did, I could just jump on his bandwagon and away we'd go to the Celestial Kingdom. I'd never have to be the strong one all by myself.

I never realized that his antipathy was real. That he didn't believe deep down inside that someday he'd lean the other way, like I did. I never for one instant thought I'd be on my own with this, because if I had I might have been more careful with my decisions.

I'm used to my life plans being exacted out precisely. I've not had a single deviation from what the intended plan was. If someone were to ask me 10 years ago where I'd be today, it would be nearly exactly where I am (the only deviation is my place with church). So when my husband did not concur with my plan, it threw me. I've been very strong in other places & times in my life: divorce, education, overcoming childhood trauma, marital strife, childbirth & child rearing. But I never anticipated that my strength would be required and tested in this way. It's killing me. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore! I know it's a test but aren't tests timed? Ugh!