My Temple Preparation

I’ve been advised several times to journal my progress these past few months, especially the past few weeks. I actually went through the temple on the 22nd of December and received my endowments in the Salt Lake Temple. Since then, I’ve also been to the Bountiful temple as well.

My progression, as I’ve journaled a little bit, has been rather quick from when I first started going back to church and from when I went to the temple. This was all in less than a year, from February to December. Although it may seem quick to outsiders, it doesn’t feel like I rushed it although when I look back, it is odd that a year ago, I wasn’t even going to church.

When I first started going to church, I felt like I was going for Natalie to help her learn things that I learned and think have been good for me as I’ve grown older. Todd was very against me going and said that I could have chosen any church but the Mormon church and he’d be happy. But I was raised in the Mormon church and felt comfortable there and was drawn naturally there.

I remember the moment I decided I was going to go to church for the first time. I had a patient named Bonnie who was also friends with my mom. My mom worked at aSkilled Nursing Facility that I worked at for a time so we knew some mutual people and Bonnie was one of them. Well, Bonnie had some severe disabilities and died in late January or early February of 2006. My mom was going to the funeral and asked me if I wanted to go. I decided I would go and while I was sitting in the meeting room waiting for the service to start, I felt such a feeling of peace that I don’t take for granted anymore now that I have a child. I relished it because for a moment, I could stop and think and reflect on myself for a few minutes without anything else going on. I thought that maybe this is what it would be like every Sunday in a church meeting room if I went to church. That day I decided I’d go to church that next Sunday, and I did. From that Sunday, I never stopped going.

Shortly after going the first time, I met Rachel K., and some other friends, Katie R., Carly M., Kelly S., and several other girls who scrapbook on the first Friday night of every month. Because I enjoy it so much, I was invited to the next one and although I felt a little awkward that first one, by the third or fourth one, they treated me like I was part of the group. A few months later, some of us bought season passes to Cherry Hill water park and would go together with our kids and hang out a couple times a week. I believe the friendly bond existed between all of them before I came along, but they scooped me up like a lost bird and assimilated me into their group so naturally. I have been invited to all of their social events since the very beginning and I can’t say what that support has meant to me.

At the beginning of the summer, I met with Bishop F. to discuss preparations for going to the temple. He told me to take the summer preparing and after the summer was over, we’d meet and discuss a baptism recommend like the young men and women get. I remember when I first walked into the Bishop’s office, I was so egotistical. I was sure that he knew exactly who I was, and that I had been inactive for years and had just recently come back. I was sure he’d been watching me from across the meeting room all these months and that he was just biding his time before he’d put something in motion with me…a calling, visiting teachers, etc. Little did I know that hardly ever does he initiate those things himself and this particular bishop is sort of an introvert. He didn’t even know who I was when I walked in. Not only did I have to tell him who I was, but explain to him where I lived. This was a shock to me because as an inactive member all those years, I was sure that all eyes were on me! I thought that everyone was aware of my status, of me, and was watching me to see what I’d do. It was so self-centered and so completely wrong! I thought it was everyone’s intent to come and convert me and they were all sitting around plotting on how to get it done! Did I think for one minute that maybe they all had lives and were too busy to worry about me for a minute? Well since I’ve been back, I’ve learned a lot about this whole conversion and fellowshipping thing and it’s not what I thought at all.

Anyway, so my first visit with Bishop F. was merely to discuss getting ready to go to the temple. We talked for a while about my home situation and what my goals were. He told me that maybe I should take the summer and spend it getting some things in order like overcoming some of my temptations, etc. He said that I should come back in the fall and we could discuss my progress.

The summer was hard. I had to quit drinking coffee, all alcohol, swearing, dressing immodestly, and some other very difficult sins I had in my life. It was very hard. And by fall, I still hadn’t overcome all of them completely. I prayed every day to help me overcome them but the temptations were so strong. At times I felt like I had overcome them but my mind constantly played tricks on me, and the temptation was so strong at times. I felt sometimes like I had no power over it. Sometimes during the middle of the strongest of temptations I would just pray that I would be relieved, and I would. Other times, satan could convince me to justify my behaviors and I would succumb. There were many, many months of sinning, praying for forgiveness, then being tempted and overcoming only to succumb the next time, and then praying for forgiveness each time. The thing that kept me going during all that was that each time I sinned, I felt like it took me a lot longer to succumb like I was getting stronger each time. And I would pray and I instantly would feel the most soothing calmness that was our Father’s answer, “I know you’re trying, just don’t give up…I haven’t left you. I understand what you’re going through.” And I know he did. In Gethsemane I know he was tempted for all that I had to give up to the fullest! He was in agony and I can understand only a fraction because sometimes the agony of my temptations physically hurt! I would just cry out of frustration and he withstood this for me. Each time I would sin, I would cry because I had let him down again after he had withstood all of my temptations with pure success! This went on even until the day after I went to the temple because satan was so frustrated that he had lost me, I’m sure of it. He wanted me to sin after I had made my covenants. And I did, but not to the extent that he wanted me to. That particular day was the worst temptation of them all. Oh, satan did all that he could to justify my behavior and I wanted so much to give in – more so than at any time and I tried to walk the fence, to stick my foot into the gray area without sinning but it was wrong. I knew then, and so I stopped and came back. And I prayed and did not immediately receive the calming feeling I was so used to. I had made covenants in the temple for which I was responsible. And that was more serious than before and it still hasn’t been long enough yet for forgiveness to come for that small transgression, and so I am glad that I didn’t fall entirely. I would have much more work to do.

Anyway, so I met with Bishop F. again in mid to late October. It took some time to get an appointment with him. It seemed that every time I got ready to call him, I’d get distracted, couldn’t find his number or whatever. I even eventually called him and got an appointment for 2 weeks out that ended up having to be rescheduled by him for another week. Hence that’s why it was so late into the fall already. When I finally did meet with him, we talked for a really long time. I had much to explain about my situation with Todd. The Bishop pulled out a book that is a reference for the presidency, and he turned to a page that described the requirements for members of a couple to go to the temple without the other spouse. He said that he and the stake president both had to feel secure that my going to the temple wouldn’t jeopardize my marriage. They also had to have a letter from Todd stating that he gave his permission to go. He also said that if roles were reversed and Todd wanted to go and I didn’t, he’d have to get the letter from me also. No sexism here. I told him I wasn’t sure if Todd would give his consent but that I’d ask. The Bishop asked if he might come and talk to Todd to get his perspective about how our marriage might be affected by my going to the temple. I told the Bishop that I’d leave it up to the Lord and not worry about the outcome. I’d ask Todd for the things that were required and then stand back and just pray.

I came home that night and although Todd wasn’t really happy with me because he’d known that I was going to talk to the Bishop about going to the temple. But I sat down anyway and started talking to him about going and how he felt about it. He was angry. He said he never thought his wife would have a temple recommend and he was really upset. I asked him if I could go anyway and would he sign a paper saying I could go. At first he refused several times. He said that he had no reason to follow the Mormon’s rules and that if I was to go, I’d have to do it without his help. Then he said that he would sign the paper if I promised never to pay tithing. I told him it wasn’t a negotiation and that if he was going to sign the paper, he’d do it because he wanted to and not a quid pro quo. I told him I’d write up the paper and put it on his dresser and whenever he wanted to sign it, he could. No pressure. And I did. I also asked him if the Bishop could come and talk with him about me going. This he absolutely refused to do. He was so angry about this and I could do nothing to convince him. I eventually gave up and hoped that I could convince the Bishop that this wasn’t really necessary. The next morning Todd signed the letter on his dresser.

I made another appointment to visit the Bishop, this time with the letter. I should say that up until now, I was prepared to set my date for going for the following February or March. But before this appointment, I had a feeling that perhaps I should set the date for earlier. Before the appointment, I prayed about it and felt the answer was that I should be going as soon as possible. I didn’t know why, and it really didn’t matter to me when I went but since I felt I should be going soon, I decided to do that. I met with the Bishop that night and told him what I thought about the date. He said that he didn’t see a problem with that. We discussed the letter and the conversation I’d had with Todd. He was concerned about Todd’s attitude. Todd can’t understand the Mormons and the Mormons can’t understand Todd. But the Bishop was worried that our marriage would be in jeopardy if I went to the temple. But I’d prayed so much about the temple, and had such strong feelings about needing to go that I did my best to convince him that although my marriage was not ideal, it was my covenants in the temple that were going to make it better in the long run. And this was true. Inside me, I felt that the only thing left to improve our marriage was the temple, and going forward with this even though it was contrary to everything Todd wanted in his life. It broke my heart to think that this would put a big rift in our marriage but that eventually it would bring us back together. I believe that Bishop F. felt the spirit of my words and understood.

I don’t necessarily remember the entire timeline of what happened and when I found out that Bishop F. was being released from his calling, but it coincided with when I would need to get my recommend interview. I had the letter from Todd and I had convinced Bishop F. that it was the right decision to let me go to the temple but it seems like he told me that in order to get my recommend interview, I’d have to talk to the new Bishop. It seems like he got released that next Sunday. I was very worried about how things would progress with the new Bishop and that I’d have to go through the whole story with him and that it would take much longer than I had. Bishop F. told me that he would tell the new Bishop (Bishop P.) all about the situation and he would understand the urgency. I was not humble. I went to Bishop P. that next week, and I was stressed for time because I didn’t feel I had the time to tell him all I had explained to Bishop F. I was only really supposed to be gone for an hour at the most since Todd’s primary complaint about my going to church was the time it would take away from our family. I had to get back also so that Todd wouldn’t have to put Natalie to bed on his own – that would make him angry also. I tried to avoid Todd’s anger at all costs so not to create more disharmony than was absolutely necessary. I sat with Bishop P. and told him a briefer version of the story. I found out that Bishop F. had not necessarily briefed Bishop P. the way I thought he would have, and so I had to start from square one. This took a lot of time but I tried to shorten things in the essence of time. I told him I felt I needed to go soon, and explained about our marriage and tried to convince him of the things I had told Bishop F. He was worried though and I was frustrated. He was back to the point where he wanted to visit with Todd. I had to explain that wasn’t going to happen and that he had to simply trust me and my answers from Heavenly Father. He said he’d pray about it and discuss it with the Stake President (President M.). I left feeling worried. He said he’d call me and that I could come see him at his office the next day (this was a Tuesday).

Well, he called me the next day and I assumed it was so he could tell me what time to come, but he left me a message instead telling me that he’d like to just see me after Sacrament on Sunday. At this point, I was trying my best to leave the timeline up to Heavenly Father, but I was also very worried. I remember having a conversation with Renee where she chastened me sternly. I told her that I didn’t want to have to go into the whole long story of everything with Bishop P. because that would take so much time, time that I didn’t feel I had. She told me it wasn’t my time – it was Heavenly Father’s time, and that I can’t cheat him of his timeline for me. I felt awful; I went home and prayed and asked for forgiveness. She was right. I wasn’t allowing Heavenly Father to act. I was taking control of something that I had said I had given up to him in the first place. I prayed along these lines for the next several days. I asked him to bless Bishop P. and President M. with the same answers he’d given me, and bless them also with the understanding of the situation if it was his will.

On Sunday, when I met with Bishop P., I sat down and waited for him to speak. He talked for a few minutes about other preparatory things and then said that he had received his answer from God. I almost couldn’t breathe. He said that he’d prayed about it, and that he had received a sweet feeling of peace, and he knew that it was the right decision…for our marriage. He said he knew this was the answer that I had been looking for to help our marriage and that he was confidant that I had made the right decision. He immediately gave me my recommend interview, and I could barely contain my tears the whole time. I felt so blessed and loved and understood. I was amazed that my prayers had accomplished this, and I was so comforted. I received my recommend on December 17th, 2006. It was Bishop P's first temple recommend and he asked if he and his wife could attend the session with me.

Since my date to go through the temple was the coming Friday, I was instructed to call President M. and make an appointment for this coming week. I did so and had to go to his office. I went on Wednesday thinking I still had plenty of time. We met in a big conference room and Natalie played in my purse while we met. It took us about 45 minutes to get through the whole interview. He asked me all of the same questions that Bishop P. asked. At this time, I felt inclined to explain some of my temptations and sins to him. He expressed concern that I hadn’t discussed my past sins (before I’d come back to the church) with any church official. He said that for both of our peace of minds, perhaps I should share the nature of all of those sins. He said that if I did, I’d never wonder if I ever should have shared those things with a church official. I told him of my main indiscretions and explained how I felt that they had all been forgiven. And this was the truth. I have had the most wonderful feeling of lightness, and forgiveness as if I actually qualify to go to the Celestial Kingdom for the first time since I was 8 years old. I was uncomfortable telling him some of the things I’d done, but I trusted him and knew he was trying to do the right thing also. After signing my recommend he noticed that I needed the recommend that allowed me to get my own endowments. This was an entirely different recommend and should have been given to me by Bishop P.. He told me that I’d have to get that, have Bishop P. sign it, and come back to have President M. sign it also.

I went home and left a message for Bishop P. at his office to call me, or drop the recommend off at my house. He didn’t get the message so the next morning, I called him again. This time I was able to reach him at home and he said that he’d go over to the church, get the recommend and drop it off at my house since I was out running errands. When I got home late that afternoon, I had received the recommend. I had to call President M., and go up to his house that evening (it was Thursday now) to sign it.

It was a lot of hoops to jump through. It seemed that in the last few weeks anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I was being tempted so much in so many different areas. It was so awful. I can’t believe it actually happened.

I have to write a little about the Sunday that I got my recommend though, the 17th. That was an awful, and yet such a wonderful day. I woke up around 8 or 9, and was fasting. I’ve been fasting every Sunday for several months for my marriage so that day was a typical day for fasting. The night before Todd and I had gone to a company Christmas party, and I won’t go into details but there was a lot of drinking and it came out that I was going to church. It was a very uncomfortable position because all of the people we were with were people that Todd works with and I didn’t know what he’d said about me except that I was pretty sure that whatever it was, it hadn’t been good. I felt very lonely and hurt. The next morning I confronted Todd about it. The problem was that I had a clear answer from Heavenly Father that I should merely tell Todd that I wish I had known he had told all of his friends that I was going to church and let it at that. Not let us get into an argument. But I didn’t listen and I let myself get drawn into an argument about how I felt. And the conversation wasn’t going well. In fact it was going awfully. I begged Todd to try to understand what I was saying and he just couldn’t. Finally he said, “Fine, I will do my best to understand what you’re saying.” He said this very begrudgingly but I took this opportunity. I told him to wait for a second while I collected my thoughts and I said a prayer begging Heavenly Father to help me form the words that I needed to say to help him understand my view. Then I said, “When you talk to your friends about me being Mormon and you say things that make them think that you hate Mormons, it might lead them to believe that you don’t care or love me, and that hurts me.” I swear I saw the light of understanding cross his face. I can’t describe it any other way. He really understood, and I swore to him that I was to blame for this same thing – making people think that I might not love or care for him the way that I do, by what I say. I promised that I would do my best to stop doing this because now I knew how it felt. I was again in awe of the powers of my Father because I could never have put into words how I felt for him to understand me, and that prayer was answered so strongly and loudly. I couldn’t mistake it.

Somehow in that conversation, it came out that I was planning on going to the temple this coming Friday. I hadn’t told him before because I knew he’d be angry and I didn’t want to have to deal with all of that. I knew that regardless of when he found out, he’d be angry so why tell him too early? This was my rationale. And he was angry, very angry. But not more than I thought he’d be. He was sullen. He made many rude comments and tried to deter me, and I tried to explain my view but we got nowhere. I was so worried. I was so scared I’d made the wrong choice. I went in my room and lay on my bed for about 2 hours praying. I cried and I tried to decide if I should stop going to church. I thought so hard about where Todd and I had been in the past, and where we are now. I thought about what it would be like to stop going to church entirely and how I’d feel inside. I wondered what would happen if I decided not go to the temple at all. I prayed and pondered so long about which way to go and all I could feel was that I had to keep going. I couldn’t stop and the main feeling was that there was nothing to go back for. There was nothing there. I was calmed and told that if I kept on in the direction I was going, that it would be worth it. Of course I was still hurting. Todd had told me that he felt that I had left the road that we were traveling together and now I was off on my own path and had left him. He said he felt like I was choosing the Mormons over him and he was hurting too. I felt so awful but I was also comforted because I knew my Father was with me, and that if I kept doing what he wanted me to do, then everything would work out alright. I got up and got ready for church, and I left.

Sacrament meeting was hard. I remember crying during certain talks and songs. I tried to be strong but I was hurting and worried for Todd. I still remember knowing that my decision was right but I felt so terrible for how Todd must be feeling. I couldn’t explain to him any of this though. I couldn’t tell him that our Heavenly Father loved him so much that he made me that strong to do all of this on my own. He wouldn’t have understood it then.

After Sacrament, I had the meeting with the Bishop where I could hardly keep from crying because of the words of the Bishop. How he had said that he knew I was making the right decision to go the temple and how he had been assured that it was the right decision also with that sweet peace. I was astonished. I had received an answer earlier on my bed but this was like a blow to me. How could Heavenly Father know that I needed those precise words just then and how close I’d been to not even coming ever again to church? How could he have known that the exact words that I needed to hear related to Todd and how our marriage would be better as a result of my faith.

More later...