There's a routine I do on Sunday mornings to ensure that Nat comes to church with me instead of opting to stay home with dad. He won't force her so if she voices her decision, that's it. She's home. So if I get to her first and can get her psyched to go, then she's with me. This morning it didn't work out and she decided she wanted to stay home. I did manage to get her alone and talk her into going, thank goodness. It was a good day for her to be at church because I'd been asked to help out in nursery.
During the few minutes between when she'd decided to stay vs. go, I was left in a dilemma. For so many months, I've almost been taking for granted that she'll come with me to church. I'd almost forgotten that that's one of the main reasons I'm going at all was to teach her and give her a good foundation. It suddenly became VERY clear why I needed to be diligent and strong. For her!
I needed that!
In the end, it was a great day. The nursery leaders have been taking the older nursery kids into Primary Opening Exercises to get them ready for the change at the first of the year. It was good to see what we're working toward.
It was a great wake-up call!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
My Readers
When I first created this blog, it was an outlet. That's all. It was here just to help me remember where I've been, and how far I've come.
It has now become sort of an accountability tool. A way to help me remember what I am doing and why. It keeps me present, always remembering what the heck I'm working toward.
And for many months, I only had a straggler reader come by. I have put this blog on the Mormon Blog list so that people looking to read other Mormon's thoughts, can access it. Of course, that's where most of my referrals come from. But I'm surprised by how many people regularly read this blog. Many of you come back several times a week and I'm sorry; I wish I could post on here more than I do. I wish that I had inspirational thoughts every few days but I just don't.
I truly value each and every visitor who comes to my site and I am so grateful for those of you who have left me your kind words of hope and encouragement. I look forward to many more, and as my readership grows, I know that my testimony will also. I pray that my word can bring someone comfort who is going through what I have. Thank you so much for coming by!
And for the one in Trabuco Canyon, I would love for you to drop me a comment. Not to embarrass or single you out but you're a regular lurker and I wish I knew what brings you here :). If you don't want to, don't feel pressured. You're still welcome and I love to see your visit whenever you stop by.
Take care all! Happy church-going tomorrow. I can't wait!
It has now become sort of an accountability tool. A way to help me remember what I am doing and why. It keeps me present, always remembering what the heck I'm working toward.
And for many months, I only had a straggler reader come by. I have put this blog on the Mormon Blog list so that people looking to read other Mormon's thoughts, can access it. Of course, that's where most of my referrals come from. But I'm surprised by how many people regularly read this blog. Many of you come back several times a week and I'm sorry; I wish I could post on here more than I do. I wish that I had inspirational thoughts every few days but I just don't.
I truly value each and every visitor who comes to my site and I am so grateful for those of you who have left me your kind words of hope and encouragement. I look forward to many more, and as my readership grows, I know that my testimony will also. I pray that my word can bring someone comfort who is going through what I have. Thank you so much for coming by!
And for the one in Trabuco Canyon, I would love for you to drop me a comment. Not to embarrass or single you out but you're a regular lurker and I wish I knew what brings you here :). If you don't want to, don't feel pressured. You're still welcome and I love to see your visit whenever you stop by.
Take care all! Happy church-going tomorrow. I can't wait!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Steep Learning Curve
I went to the temple last Wednesday and had such a great experience. I meant to write some of it down so I wouldn't forget but I got busy. I can still remember a few poignant moments that I should at least document though.
Usually when I go to the temple, I fast to receive the spirit. But since it was a weekday, I decided not to do it. From the moment I was getting dressed in the dressing room, I was overwhelmed with the spirit. It was so great because I knew I was shedding worldy garments for the similar ones I would wear for eternity and it was a comfort to know that it's all beautiful in the Lord's sight. I do feel beautiful in my temple gown.
During the session, I learned many new things. I've never had such a visit where so many new things came to me throughout the session. Things I've seen and heard many times before were as if they were being said brand new and I understood them very differently.
This is an example without going into sacred detail:
On my "other" blog, that same day I mentioned how stupid I feel when I look back and realize sometimes how silly my behavior has been at various times in my life. I'm often ashamed of how I acted or what I was doing or whatever. I even posted a quote to that affect, something about how we do things according to what we know, and when we know better, we do things different. That whole feeling came to me in the temple as I was thinking about the expanse of eternity. We've all been "alive" for time beyond concept. And we will continue to exist for eternity. And an eternity from now, I will look back at my time here on earth as a small sliver, a short experience, and shake my head at my miserable excuse for wisdom. My mind is blown away by how far in the distance I may be when I look back upon my life - what will I be doing? Where will I be? What will I know? Who will I be with? What will He think of me? What will I think of myself? I've never thought of myself that relatively. Being in the temple helped me step out of this moment in time enough to see that, in perspective, how short this slight existence really is, and how it will really only be a single experience to glance back upon. It will be as short to me...then, as a single day is to me now. It's amazing and humbling.
Can I not perservere when it is so clear that it will be over very nearly before it's even begun?
Usually when I go to the temple, I fast to receive the spirit. But since it was a weekday, I decided not to do it. From the moment I was getting dressed in the dressing room, I was overwhelmed with the spirit. It was so great because I knew I was shedding worldy garments for the similar ones I would wear for eternity and it was a comfort to know that it's all beautiful in the Lord's sight. I do feel beautiful in my temple gown.
During the session, I learned many new things. I've never had such a visit where so many new things came to me throughout the session. Things I've seen and heard many times before were as if they were being said brand new and I understood them very differently.
This is an example without going into sacred detail:
On my "other" blog, that same day I mentioned how stupid I feel when I look back and realize sometimes how silly my behavior has been at various times in my life. I'm often ashamed of how I acted or what I was doing or whatever. I even posted a quote to that affect, something about how we do things according to what we know, and when we know better, we do things different. That whole feeling came to me in the temple as I was thinking about the expanse of eternity. We've all been "alive" for time beyond concept. And we will continue to exist for eternity. And an eternity from now, I will look back at my time here on earth as a small sliver, a short experience, and shake my head at my miserable excuse for wisdom. My mind is blown away by how far in the distance I may be when I look back upon my life - what will I be doing? Where will I be? What will I know? Who will I be with? What will He think of me? What will I think of myself? I've never thought of myself that relatively. Being in the temple helped me step out of this moment in time enough to see that, in perspective, how short this slight existence really is, and how it will really only be a single experience to glance back upon. It will be as short to me...then, as a single day is to me now. It's amazing and humbling.
Can I not perservere when it is so clear that it will be over very nearly before it's even begun?
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Just a Memory
When I was 16, I had a boyfriend named Jason. I was a naughty girl and was doing things that my parents would not have approved of.
I snuck out a lot when I was a teenager. Jason was so cool. I met him at a club and he drove a beautiful white porche. He was graduated from high school already and what he saw in me, I'll never know. But I was reckless, carefree, dangerous and those were probably enticing. Thinking back, if I had a son, I wouldn't want him coming within 10 miles of a girl like me.
I forgot to mention that to my surprise, Jason was raised mormon too although like me, he was not interested in the slightest.
One night I snuck out and we were out walking in a park at around midnight. I'd been thinking a lot about my life and my how my parents responded to me, and what I needed to do to correct the path I was on. I casually said,
"Jason, do you want to be good?"
"What?"
"Let's be good! Do you want to?"
He knew exactly what I meant because I think I might have explained what I meant.
"Hell no!" is what he finally replied.
I dropped it! I never brought it up again and I let him persuade me that what we were doing was more fun. Well, for a teenager it actually was. For an adult it's more FUN - if that's what life were really all about; but it's not.
When I married my husband, who as you already know was raised LDS also, I stupidly expected that someday, he'd want to "be good" too. And that when he did, I could just jump on his bandwagon and away we'd go to the Celestial Kingdom. I'd never have to be the strong one all by myself.
I never realized that his antipathy was real. That he didn't believe deep down inside that someday he'd lean the other way, like I did. I never for one instant thought I'd be on my own with this, because if I had I might have been more careful with my decisions.
I'm used to my life plans being exacted out precisely. I've not had a single deviation from what the intended plan was. If someone were to ask me 10 years ago where I'd be today, it would be nearly exactly where I am (the only deviation is my place with church). So when my husband did not concur with my plan, it threw me. I've been very strong in other places & times in my life: divorce, education, overcoming childhood trauma, marital strife, childbirth & child rearing. But I never anticipated that my strength would be required and tested in this way. It's killing me. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore! I know it's a test but aren't tests timed? Ugh!
I snuck out a lot when I was a teenager. Jason was so cool. I met him at a club and he drove a beautiful white porche. He was graduated from high school already and what he saw in me, I'll never know. But I was reckless, carefree, dangerous and those were probably enticing. Thinking back, if I had a son, I wouldn't want him coming within 10 miles of a girl like me.
I forgot to mention that to my surprise, Jason was raised mormon too although like me, he was not interested in the slightest.
One night I snuck out and we were out walking in a park at around midnight. I'd been thinking a lot about my life and my how my parents responded to me, and what I needed to do to correct the path I was on. I casually said,
"Jason, do you want to be good?"
"What?"
"Let's be good! Do you want to?"
He knew exactly what I meant because I think I might have explained what I meant.
"Hell no!" is what he finally replied.
I dropped it! I never brought it up again and I let him persuade me that what we were doing was more fun. Well, for a teenager it actually was. For an adult it's more FUN - if that's what life were really all about; but it's not.
When I married my husband, who as you already know was raised LDS also, I stupidly expected that someday, he'd want to "be good" too. And that when he did, I could just jump on his bandwagon and away we'd go to the Celestial Kingdom. I'd never have to be the strong one all by myself.
I never realized that his antipathy was real. That he didn't believe deep down inside that someday he'd lean the other way, like I did. I never for one instant thought I'd be on my own with this, because if I had I might have been more careful with my decisions.
I'm used to my life plans being exacted out precisely. I've not had a single deviation from what the intended plan was. If someone were to ask me 10 years ago where I'd be today, it would be nearly exactly where I am (the only deviation is my place with church). So when my husband did not concur with my plan, it threw me. I've been very strong in other places & times in my life: divorce, education, overcoming childhood trauma, marital strife, childbirth & child rearing. But I never anticipated that my strength would be required and tested in this way. It's killing me. I don't want to be strong by myself anymore! I know it's a test but aren't tests timed? Ugh!
Family History
One of the ways I've been able to make some sense out of coming back into the church was to do family history. It is very therapeutic. I'm answering questions about who I am, how I've become who I am (because of traits of ancestors), and discovering that strength is a family characteristic.
I've got many lines in my family that were never members of the LDS church and therefore, do not have any genealogy done. I've spent many hours in the past year and a half working on finding out who these people were. And the more I do, the more obsessed I become.
I took my first disc of names to the temple about 5 months ago, got all of the little blue & pink cards to submit...and then promptly lost them. I am tearing my hair out trying to find them. I'm not a disorganized person at all! I've prayed to find them and looked everywhere but they are nowhere! Someone told me that Satan doesn't want them found, and I'm sure that's the truth. What's eating me up is that one of the names was the single person that got me interested in doing the work in the first place, and I can feel her restlessness as I search for the little cards.
I plan to go to the temple this Wednesday and if I haven't found them by then (which is unlikely because it's already been 5 months), then I think I'll go back in and reconfigure my PAF file so I can take another disc up there. It's a lot of work but it will be worth it. I just wish I could find that envelope!
I've got many lines in my family that were never members of the LDS church and therefore, do not have any genealogy done. I've spent many hours in the past year and a half working on finding out who these people were. And the more I do, the more obsessed I become.
I took my first disc of names to the temple about 5 months ago, got all of the little blue & pink cards to submit...and then promptly lost them. I am tearing my hair out trying to find them. I'm not a disorganized person at all! I've prayed to find them and looked everywhere but they are nowhere! Someone told me that Satan doesn't want them found, and I'm sure that's the truth. What's eating me up is that one of the names was the single person that got me interested in doing the work in the first place, and I can feel her restlessness as I search for the little cards.
I plan to go to the temple this Wednesday and if I haven't found them by then (which is unlikely because it's already been 5 months), then I think I'll go back in and reconfigure my PAF file so I can take another disc up there. It's a lot of work but it will be worth it. I just wish I could find that envelope!
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