Another Funeral...Thoughts & Feelings

Today T and I went to his grandmother's funeral in D. She had suffered from dementia for more than 6 years when she had a strokek and eventually her condition detiorated from there. And although T had vehemently told me he'd never step into another church (LDS) with me again - conveniently when it was my nephew's baptism a few months ago (he doesn't love to do stuff with my family - he hasn't put in the effort to make it important to him), he was there sitting at my side in the ward house in D.

I felt the spirit so strong today and was so happy about it because if I could feel it that strong, then no doubt he could feel it a little by default, right? It was a closed casket until when just the family was in the room and it was opened for final respects. I've been to a few other funerals of temple worthy members but had forgotten they are dressed in their full temple dress, apron and all. As they placed the veil on her head, I was overwhelmed with the fact that she was with her Heavenly Father and the spirit made me catch my breath. I wondered what T thought of her clothing, and the veil, as he looked at her. As far as I know, this is the first funeral he's been to of a temple worthy member.

Later, I wondered how he respond to the talks now that I sat beside him, as a member. They sang, "Where Can I Turn for Peace", which is my favorite hymn. I wanted to sing loudly so he could hear but I found I could only sing parts and I knew he was aware of my tears. Later, his mother spoke and in the latter part of her talk, she spoke of the gospel, its importance in her and her mother's lives; what death meant to members; and the promises we've been made about the hereafter. He was listening although I don't know what he "heard".

At one point in the service, I was so aware of the thinness of the veil and felt myself so apart from so much of the temporalness of the world. I saw how irrelevant and inane so many things that we spend a great deal worrying about, truly are. I was acutely aware of those that had passed before, and the instantaneous relevations about what is truly real, and what was just of and for this world. I wished my work was done so I could be shed of these cares and move on to what I perceive to be more important. I then realized that whatever it is I'm doing here is more important because obviously it's not done...I'm still here. I pray that my purpose is to have an influence in N's life because if I'm gone, there's no hope for her to be raised in the church. I pray also that I am here to influence T, and hopefully to remain here after he's gone to seal us together.

Later, in the car he asked me how it was possible that his grandmother was sealed to his grandfather after his death. I hadn't realized this was the case and he obviously learned it during the funeral at some point when I had zoned. He seemed upset about it. I said that evidently he had asked her to do it and he disagreed as if it were impossible. He said, "I knew him. He'd never do that and how can he talk to her anyway; he's dead!" I said, "Don't pretend to know all there is to know about everything. You only know what is on this earth." He tried to get me to promise I'd never seal him to me after he died. I was amused because according to him, he doesn't even believe in the afterlife and I said so. He really is funny because he once again, felt himself caught between his heart and his mind and had nothing to say. He finally lamely said he just didn't want people in the future to look back and see his name associated with anything remotely related to the church. I told him that when I die, I don't care if they throw my body into a meat-packing plant. I hope he understood the analogy and got the point about how contradictory his arguments are. What I finally said is that if he never changes his mind at some point, he's going to have to send me a mighty big sign that he wants to be sealed. He said, "don't worry, it'll never happen" to which I just said, "we'll see." What I really wanted to say was, "when you get to the spirit world, let the first thing you do is to go find your grandfather and have him explain why he accepted the sealing.

Now he's very grumpy and even a little hostile and I'm sad but I have a feeling to just let him be. Today was a little bit of overload for him and he needs to process it. If my purpose is to be a good example, I just need to ride the wave.