A New Calling

I got called today to be the secretary in Young Women's. I'm really excited!

I think this is going to be an excellent calling for me and I'm anxious to find out what will be required of me.

Pregnancy and Spirituality

There's no doubt about it. I've struggled with my spirituality lately. Partly it's because of my pregnancy which has been difficult thus far. I feel sapped of energy so much of the time that there's not much in reserve for extra things. I know this isn't the way I should be looking at my relationship with the Lord so I am doing what I can to turn it around.

I went to the temple about 2 weeks ago and it was such a great experience. I felt so great sitting in the Celestrial room after the session and for the first real time, I was totally at peace there and couldn't imagine where else I could be so content at that particular time. I could use that more on a regular basis.

I've decided that to enable a more increased relationship with the Lord, I'm going to change my reading habits. There are so many amazing religious books available but I'm so obsessed with spending my time reading novels that there's no time to read anything else. So I am going to read a religious book every other book and a requirement will be to finish the book. I start lots of them but never finish one. Right now I'm reading Joseph and Emma, a sort of biography of their life and I am impressed with it. I'm enjoying it very much!

I have lots of growth to be made in plenty of other areas so one thing at a time. I know the Lord has patience with me as long as I'm doing something to move forward in faith. That's definitely easing my mind a little bit.

And Now For Some Good News

I'm pregnant people!!!!

Everything with Todd has been awesome lately. Everyone's prayers have helped me so much! I'm so blessed to finally to be blessed with my other child. I've always known there was another waiting there for me. It just makes me cry when I think how I've been blessed!

Thank you for all of your kind words!

I'm due February 20th. You may follow along here.

To An Old Friend

Dear Karen,

Don't think I've forgotten you. How could I do that? You were my Mia Maid advisor 20 years ago but I can see your face in my mind like it was yesterday.

How could I forget all that you did for me? You took care of me, mothered me, took me in. Cared for me in a way my own mother was incapable of doing.

I know Sarah was only about 6 when I came to stay with you. She had her own room. You displaced her for me. I thought nothing of it when I was 15. Today, as a mother, I realize what you did and am amazed by your charity. Who are you? An angel, of that I'm sure.

Do you realize the effect you'd have on my life? Surely you had an effect upon my life at the time just because of your presence and my physical displacement. But years later, the effect has been even more monumental. What an example you are still to me. And I tell people frequently about my amazing advisor back when I was so conflicted.

But I'd also like to address my adolescent self-centeredness. I am ashamed, humiliated and utterly devastated by my sheer lack of gratitude for all that you did for me. I'm sure not once did I ever tell you thank you or try to dissuade you from doing any of the things you did. So, all I can do now is thank you, from the bottom of my soul. I've not words to express it all. Please forgive me. I don't know why you loved me so much but you did and now I am grateful.

Here's why. You may read this blog and that will tell you more about why I'm grateful than this measly little paragraph. For years, you've been a beacon in my mind of what a wife, mother and true Latter-Day-Saint should be. As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the sacrifices you and your family made for me. I was inactive for many years starting with when I moved to Utah. I didn't become active again until I was 32 and my daughter Natalie was a 18 months old. A large portion of the reasons why I did become active were because of the example you set; how a person can truly love another person unconditionally and without reciprocation. You taught me that and I keep coming back to it.

I'm so grateful to your wonderful family; Dana, Sarah and I believe you had a little boy too although I was too self-centered to notice. You never even asked me to babysit! You took so much time away from your family for me and I'm wallowing in the grief that shame has brought upon me. I pray to the Lord that he can forgive me, and that you can too.

But Karen, I love you. I always have. I did then in my twisted adolescent way. You are a true disciple of Christ and I am eternally grateful that you were where you were at that time. I don't know why you were attracted to me but I am glad you were. Things may not have changed at the time much around our household and I know you tried hard to help, but please know that your example has extended and traversed time and touches me all of the time.

Now, I am a mostly stay-at-home mom to my four-year old. I graduated from the University of Utah in 2004 with a Master's Degree in occupational therapy. I work with children in the school district, and in a local hospital with lots of various patients. I love my work. I am married for the 2nd time (boys always were a weakness, weren't they?) - now for nearly 8 years. My husband's not active and this is a trial but I work through it and persevere (you can read more about that on this blog if you'd like). Additionally, I have had loads of counseling to address anger management so I don't abuse my children and have never touched my daughter in anger, I'm proud to say.

I went through the temple a year and a half ago by myself. I do my best to bring my daughter up in righteousness as well.

I just wanted you to know that you had a worthy cause. But without your example, I'm not sure things would have gone so well for me.

Karen, I don't know if I'll ever see or talk to you again in this life. But I will see you in heaven and am looking forward to seeing your beautiful face again.

With eternal love,

Amy

The Newest Prophet

It occurred to me today, as I was reading the Ensign dedicated to last GC that the manner in which President Monson was called as a prophet is somewhat unclear to me.

In most organizations, to elect a new President, a board will vote or already have a method for inducting a new President into his role.

In our church, a Prophet is called of God. And I believe this and I'm not questioning it but I'm merely looking at the logistics of all this in a way I never have before. And it's become clear to me why it is so important for each member to hit their knees to have their own revelation that the new Prophet is indeed the one called of God.

President Monson likely received his own revelation but it would be a little presumptuous for him to stand up and say, "Hey you guys, I've been called of God - believe it!". All of the members of the First Presidency would have all had to have their own revelations, and then come together to compare notes to ensure that they were all on the same page.

I marvel at the faith this must take in order to make such a big decision! And I am feeling now that I should receive my own revelation; something I haven't done yet because I merely took for granted that they were right. But that's not the point, is it? All of the members of the church need to know - or else no one knows.

I appreciate that so much! Now if only would could elect our nations' leaders like that perhaps we'd have less conflicts. I might be on to something there!

An Inspiration

I haven't blogged here for a long time although I've thought of it many times. So many inspirational moments happen but I get distracted...you know.

But I wanted to document something that happened yesterday so I'd not ever forget.

I'd had a hard Saturday. Fight with hubby and then just a rather emotional rest of the day of which I won't go into here. So I decided to fast on Sunday for some extra help through what I was dealing with.

Turns out, because Ward conference is this coming week, Fast Sunday was moved up a week so I ended up fasting...on Fast Sunday. Imagine that! I didn't know that previously because it had been a couple of weeks since I'd been able to come.

Now we all know how much I love fasting (I really do!) and so it was no biggie but I was really in need of the Spirit that day and was desperate for my tank to be filled.

My daughter and I sat in the pulpit as people went up and bore their testimonies. It was pretty typical of any other Fast Sunday. I have to add that I bore my testimony last month and perhaps that may be part of what piqued my daughter's curiosity but a couple kids went up and spoke and that always catches another kid's attention. She told me she wanted to go up there.

At first, I brushed her off, trying to discourage her because it meant I'd have to go up there too, and I just really wasn't feeling up to it. But as I sat there, I realized that to discourage her first request to do something so great would be to sabotage her. So I asked her if she really wanted to go up, and she said yes! We waited until the man that was up there was finished and she ran up there, very excited.

She's only about 3' tall so the podium had to come ALL the way down and then she still couldn't see over it. I leaned over and said in her ear,

"I'd like to bear my testimony." She repeated it. I leaned up to say something else, and she leaned down and kissed me again and again in front of everyone. I was trying to talk in her ear and she kept kissing me. It was so sweet.

I finally got to say the next thing,
"I love Jesus," and then,
"I love my Mom and Dad."

I had thought of a few more things to say but by this time, I was having a hard time not crying because I was so overwhelmed with the Spirit that I couldn't go on. I said,

"In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." As we walked off the stage, my eyes were tearing up.

My daughter is 3.

I Can't Believe It

It's been nearly a month since I posted here. Sorry about that!

This weekend, I went to a Family History Fair they had here in Bountiful at the High School. It was so fantastic. I had a terrific time! I know, you're thinking...how boring! Well, it might be if you haven't yet been bitten by the bug. Honestly, I've been bitten a lot earlier than most people (like by about 30 years! lol) but it's alright. I was okay with being the youngest person (by a long shot) there!

If you've ever been to Women's Conference at BYU, it was a lot like that, just on a much smaller scale. For a beginner, it might have all been pretty overwhelming but I've been pretty involved in Family History now for a couple of years and feel like I've advanced beyond the newbie status.

A few things I thought I'd pass along:

The church has slowly been rolling out New Family Search. If you don't live in Utah, chances are, you might already have access to it at your Family History centers. Here in Utah, since we have access to so many temples, they're rolling us out last. It will soon be available just by logging on to www.familysearch.org

New Family Search will enable us to be virtually "on-line" with the church's system. TempleReady will be discontinued and we can check in real-time whether a person has received various ordinances. The middle man is gone!

Additionally, if you purchase RootsMagic (about $20) you can upload your "gedcom" or "paf" file and it will automatically search through the church's system to match up people (all with your authorization) and check for ordinances too. I bought this software yesterday and am glad I did!

I learned so much at this conference! If you think you might someday be interested in doing genealogy, I recommend you attend one of these if at all possible. Sign up for beginner courses and a few relative to your ancestry for further information (haha, little play with words).

A Talk With The Bishop

After receiving a comment on my last post regarding discussing my "decision" with my bishop, I scheduled an appointment and spoke with him today.

I gave him all of the history, although he has most of it, and my thought process of how I came to my decision. I mentioned the blessings I receive each time I feel I just can't continue.

I just wanted to let you all know that he plans to pray about it and he'll get back with me. He says that my logic is good and that it sounds like a righteous decision. I was comforted by that even if I really wish someone would tell me..."JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELF" even if it isn't the right thing in this situation.

On another note, today was Ward Conference and our Stake President was there to do a talk. He's the same one who, during my temple recommend interview, cautioned me with a smile to "stay away from de-caf". This, after asking whether I drink coffee, my daughter (who I had to bring with me) pipes up in her 2 year-old voice and said, "she drinks coffee!" I have a cup of de-caf every now and then. But lately, it's been like every other day instead. I DO love a latte on a cold morning, and we've had more than our share of snow lately. To get to it though, whenever I see him, I just remember those, of all words and the guilt just starts eating at me! It was then that I realized just how much I've been drinking which leads me to how many nights I've gone without an evening prayer.

My point is that it's so easy to lose focus. It's the whole "clinging" vs. "holding" onto the iron rod thing again. Am I a "clinger"?

Divorce and Other Options

I really wanted to talk about my marriage for a minute. Just get it out there:

I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.

I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.

I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.

So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.

My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.

My Testimony

I've gone on and on on this blog about my experiences; I've shared a lot of how I feel, what's come about in my life and I've gone into detail about various aspects of living as a mormon, and the blessings I receive as I try to live the way God has asked us to.

But I've never shared my testimony. Here. And now I think it's time.

I don't know who will read this but I hope that whoever does, it will touch and you will understand that what I have is holy. What I have is something I have worked hard to get. It was not free. I do not take it for granted. It is not a cheap possession. It is valued more than any other thing I have because without it, I literally would have nothing - and that is literal.

I believe in God. He is a sweet man who has a hug that feels like your insides will fly apart out of sheer joy. I believe he wept when he told his son that a sacrifice was necessary. I believe in Jesus. I believe that in Gethsemane he endured every single temptation we have ever bore. And he withstood them. And for that I can't even express my gratitude. Because if he had succumbed, the balance would have tipped and we would have fallen off the scale.

I believe in fasting. Fasting, for me, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to us. I have received so many miracles, yes miracles, from fasting that I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to fast. I love it. I love how close I feel to Him, and I can feel him comforting me. I can. I promise. I have fasted a lot and it's where my strongest testimony lies. If I'm ever in need, ever in doubt...if I ever need more...I fast and I receive. It's that simple.

I believe in The Promise. There's something awesome waiting for us. He's asked some hard things from us, yes. But if I can receive all I do from just not eating for 24 hours, then what am I going to receive from doing all he asks for my whole life? It's inconceiveable. I believe it. I want it, whatever it is. I have a feeling of surety inside of me that can't be torn down. No one can convince me - I would live in hell for my whole life to have what I know is waiting. I'm that sure.

I can't be swayed. The most important person in my life tries to sway me everyday and can't. That should tell you something. I know where I'm headed. I have eyes set forward, my feet are on the road and a steady hand guides my every move. I know where I'm headed. Do you?

Tithing Settlement & Callings

...a relatively new concept for me. That I'm even paying tithing is highly sensitive information. I shred all receipts and even tear out the carbon from my checkbook 'lest my hubby finds it.

I didn't sign up for my tithing settlement mainly because I had no idea what it was. Honestly, I was worried about what I'd say. Here I am with a temple recommend, wearing my garments proudly and trying to be a "good mormon" but I have to say truthfully that there was about 3 times that I did not pay this year. I had every intention of doing so but then just didn't. And I didn't want to have to confess it. And, I've never been to a tithing settlement so I didn't know what went on in there and I was nervous. Hmm, sounds like Satan's hand here on retrospect.

So, embarrassingly enough, I got pulled out of Sunday School by the Bishop this past Sunday because he was worried that I didn't sign up because I didn't want to come at a time that would disrupt things at home. What a nice guy. He'd even instructed his...I dont' know what to call them...guys not to call me and leave me a message at my house about it - now that's sensitive!

I told him I wasn't a full tithe payer because there were a few times I didn't pay. I told him I'd had a rough year trying to be faithful on my own and that things at home were still pretty rotten, all truths. I also told him I had no way of accounting for the tithing I'd paid because I got rid of all of the "evidence". I felt bad when he appeared to feel sorry for me and told me he was going to report me a full tithe payer. Now if that won't get me to pay a full tithing this year, then I don't know what will.

During that meeting, he also told me he was very close to calling me as the Activities Committee Head. I'm already on that committee and I was surpised to hear that I was considered. Turns out, they ended up calling another lady and I can only hope it was because they had prayed and knew it wouldn't have been a good match. I think I would have turned it down. I've been on the committee for about 1 1/2 years and so far, although I've helped organize and set-up nearly all of the activities, I've only actually attended about 1/2 of them due to home stuff or other obligations. That just wouldn't cut it as the Head.

He asked if I would consider another calling - something that wasn't just a Sunday calling. I told him it would depend, so he said he'd think about it. As part of the Activities Committee, I'm also the building scheduler. Last year, I was the scheduler for all 3 of the wards that meet in our building. This year I am just the go-to girl for our ward and the main scheduler has rotated to another ward, thank goodness. I've not even been called as a Visiting Teacher yet which probably has its pros & cons.

I think I could teach Relief Society - that would be fun. It's not like I have to have a lot of knowledge for that since you mainly teach from the manual. I've heard that if you teach, you learn a lot more than if you're just sitting in the crowd. I could benefit from that! But, there's probably not an opening and they likely have something more suitable for me in mind. Considering a teaching position in the Relief Society is pretty presumptious, I think. I've only been active for not quite 2 years.

A Step Outside Myself

My husband and I went to Wendover with his business partner this past weekend. He happens to be a "high-roller" in Wendover and was lured by the hotels. They comp'd a limo, rooms and food.

I was looking forward to some time with my husband since we always have such a good time there together. In times past though we've both been drunk so I was a little curious how it would be with me sober this time.

Basically I found my standards tested many times. Obviously I was offered more than a multitude of drinks. They were everywhere. About 8x an hour a waitress would come by and ask if I'd like something to drink. I'd get a strange look when I'd say, "Yes thank you - a diet pepsi please". It actually didn't affect my good time in any way and for that I was grateful for that blessing.

What I did find was that by not drinking, I was able to see those who drink in better perspective. I'm 34 now, and even if I wasn't Mormon, I'm a little too old to be drinking to get drunk. The women who were my age or older who were looked silly and even a little pathetic to me. It's one thing to have a graceful glass of wine but to be schlepping beer after beer just looks tasteless and loose: something I decided this past weekend that I'm glad to have put behind me for that very reason alone.

My husband's business partner got sloppy drunk, very mouthy, rude, politically incorrect, inappropriate and downright white-trash. Again, had I been drinking I would have found him funny, and excused his behavior all in the fun of the evening. But not being drunk, I found it difficult to accept the comp's that came to us because of him. I didn't want to be around him, not to mention flatter him by letting him assume that I thought it was alright for him to behave so disrespectfully. I let him know in a tasteful and gracious manner what I thought, without jeopordizing my husband's business relationship.

I'm sure I came off as a prude, stuffed-shirt. It's funny because although I don't exactly like being seen that way to anyone, I knew it was only because they were drunk and I wasn't. They just couldn't appreciate there is more to life than a buzz. In comparison, to my friends, I am the life of the party! I love making people laugh, and I make a lot of noise socializing - surely not the quite, shy and stuffed-shirt in my group of friends. I might be a bit prude but that's just me.

Anyway, I was very tempted to have a drink this weekend, at the end of it all. And probably had I been encouraged just a little bit more by my husband, I might have because I love my Corona with a lime, not to mention Tangara & tonic. But Heavenly Father knew my weakness in that situation and blessed me by not creating too much temptation than I could handle at the time. He also helped me see what I was turning my back on in comparison to what I was embracing. When I got on my knees when I was home, I felt the wholeness of his promise. I would have never believed it was possible to feel so much comfort and love. He asks us to give up things that we don't want to, things that we really enjoy - but he truly does give us something better in return. I honestly believe that.