This Week's Lift

It's true...Sunday is truly a lift for me. Yeah, it's summertime and beautiful and my pool and gardening are so TEMPTING as I strike off for church each Sunday morning but I am always glad I went. Even if I don't see my friends or make my social calls during the meetings. I'm always inspired at some level. Last week it was the 10 Virgins parable and today, well it was everything.

I have really been struggling lately though to tell the truth. Since I realized that conflict was not the best way to approach this situation with Todd, things have become so much more peaceful around here. I am truly enjoying my marriage, and life is good once again. Todd is still negative but the softening is obvious and I wouldn't use the word antagonistic anymore. When we talk, there aren't the hateful words anymore...just an overall negativity which is good seeing as it's only been 6 months since I went to the temple.

Anyway, since I digress easily I'll get back to the point. Conflict...was the glue to my testimony and I hate that. It created such a need in me for the Lord to comfort me. I found myself always turning to him for peace, comfort, understanding because of the animocity that was filling my house. Since that has gone away, so has much of my need for Him, and that's hard for me to say.

I've found myself really, really struggling to remember to pray and read my scriptures each day. Temptation has eased its way into my life in so many ways that I've struggled so much to keep it at bay. Stupid things like not being able to get up in the morning so that I can set my day in order, get my scriptures read consistently...and other temptations that frustrate me always like being patient, kind, and even going to the temple.

Each week I try to find ways to get me back into that groove I fell out of but nothing has seemed to work consistently. I look forward to Sunday each week to give me that boost that I lack during the week. This is what I got from the meetings this week:

Our opening hymn in Sacrament was about Joseph Smith and how he is communing with the Gods now after he struggled so hard in his life. Then, our 2nd speaker discussed Joseph Smith and what an inspiration he was and what sacrifices he made so that we could be where we are. I decided that I need to delve more into the lives of people who have sacrificed greatly to have what I have to perhaps find the inspiration I'm lacking. My feelings were also reinforced that I need to include the Savior in my day-to-day decisions to add an element of spirituality to my "temporal" duties.

Later, in Relif Society, we had a wonderful lesson from a new lady who really did an excellent job. She spoke at length about how keeping God's commandments can bless us. I thought mainly about how keeping the Word of Wisdom has been such a good example of my dedication to the Lord for Todd because he watches me so carefully. He is aware of how difficult it is for me not to have a beer (I LOVE BEER) and to have that cup of coffee each morning (I DOUBLE LOVE COFFEE), as well as some of the other commandments like wearing garments, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, going to church each Sunday etc. I know we've been blessed because of the things I'm doing and I know that some of his "softening" is because he knows that I really do believe and it's not just a passing trend for me.

Beside all that, there's still so much to learn and I am trying to figure out this Sacrament ordiance! I take it, and have Natalie take it; I listen to the words; and try to think of Christ or talk to Nat about Christ while we prepare but I'm so black & white - it's really hard for me to think in symbolism. Am I really clean after I take it? What if I forgot to pray for repentence the night before - what if I did pray for repentence the night before but then right before I left for church, I told Todd he was a jackass (not so kind, right?). It didn't really happen but very well could have! Am I clean then? Should I take the sacrament? If I do, what does it mean? I wanted to bring it up in Gospel Doctrine this morning but I felt like such a greenhorn I didn't. Sometimes people make fun of me for being so black & white.

Anyway, I feel pretty good now. I'm rejuvinated and need to find a biography of Joseph Smith or maybe Emma Smith. Those people gave up way more than I did. He got tarred & feathered for what he believed! That's amazing!

Probably the 2nd greatest thing I got today was that I finally got the strong sense that God is wiser than me...like a parent. He has asked us to obey his commandments because he knows more than us. We may think we know a lot but so do our small children and being grown-ups now, we can see that particular disparity! How can we possibly think we know more than God and that his commandments are not worth keeping? It is wonderful to think that although he can't control people's agency, he will always comfort us when the result turns out bad. In fact, I wanted to write this little thought:

"A child can fall down while walking right beside her father and that doesn't mean her father allowed it to happen. But, being her father, he will comfort her as much as he can and make it alright."

That's our Heavenly Father, and he does comfort me when I'm sad; that much I know.

Later when I got home from church, Todd told me that pregnant mom was found buried in a local national park. We talked at length about the 2 year old who had been home alone for 2 days and how scared he must have been. This isn't fabricated in the slightest: I had the most distinct impression that child was not alone at all during that whole time. In fact, I am 100% confidant there was an actual "being" in the room holding that baby the whole time, caring and comforting him so he wasn't scared. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Jesus wouldn't leave his little child alone like that. It might even have been his mom.

10 Virgins

I've been going back to church long enough to have the lesson of the 10 virgins parable several times. I understand what it means now but each lesson is no less profound for me. Today though I feel like some good information was added to it and I wanted to get it down. Whenever we're talking about the amount of lamp oil the girls have, it is to indicate each virgin's level of preparedness to meet the Savior at the 2nd coming. The parable is to help us understand that we need to be adequately prepared when He comes so that he knows us. Being the personality I am, I so wish it was black & white - that there was a checklist I could carry around so I knew exactly what was expected of me each day in order to "make it". No such luck. I guess I'm not the only person with this problem. That's probably why some other people have said they get scared when they hear this parable.