Death

Likely it will come as little surprise to my readers that I live in Utah. Specifically I live in Salt Lake City and was inadvertently involved in the recent Trolley Square shootings. My old neighbor's son, Brad Frantz, was killed along with his girlfriend while at the mall for dinner this past Monday night, February 12th. A young man came in and indiscriminantly began shooting whomever he saw. Unfortunately it was Brad and his girlfriend that he saw, among 3 others that were also killed that night.

My husband and I went to his funeral yesterday afternoon. Over 300 people showed up; the outpouring of support was wonderful. I haven't seen my old neighbors for over a year since we moved out of the neighborhood and wished like crazy the circumstances for seeing them were different. My husband and I have discussed probably a hundred times in the past year about having them over for a barbeque or dinner or something. We feel awful that we never extended the invitation now.

Although I could continue along the lines of discussing Brad and his life, I already did that in my other, less "religious" blog. This one I've strictly dedicated to my faith and haven't shared the website with anyone lest my husband chance to see it and be upset about its content.

I'd like to discuss my feelings about the actual death of my friend, Brad. I'd also like to contrast those feelings to ones I might have had prior to my rediscovery of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've always been a very tender-hearted person. My heart hurts when I think of the pain of another person. I cry easily and am very emotional. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. I don't care - it's who I am. Music especially tweaks my tear ducts and I always reach for a tissue in church when the music starts. I just can't help it. I've always cried at funerals, and it never mattered whose it was. I've gone to a lot of funerals for people I really don't even know well just to support someone I do know well and always end up crying anyway.

This funeral was for someone I knew well. I enjoyed his company immensely and thought highly of him, even if his values weren't the same as mine. They used to be. We got to know each other because of our late night "beer nights" when Todd and me, June and Steve (Brad's parents) and Brad would hang out in the backyard until 2am getting sloshed and "BSing". I've changed and I'm okay that others continue to live their lives a different way.

Anyway.......so for Brad, someone I knew well, I should have been crying a river! There was no reason why I shouldn't have found it sad beyond belief. This boy was young, only 24! He had just received a wonderful promotion at work, had met a girl whom it sounded like he was quite serious with, and had a 3 year old daughter whom he absolutely adored. Things were going so well for him and it was cut short so tragically! But I didn't cry. I could't make myself!

OK, let's not lie. I did get quite teary eyed when I hugged his mother, June, and when I think about how his little girl won't ever know her daddy. Those things make me so sad I can't hardly think straight.

But I didn't cry for Brad. I just KNOW he's still around. I can feel it! I don't know why this happened to him. I can't explain it. And if I could explain it, it would mean I have knowledge that would blow my inner-sensibilities. It's likely that with that kind of understanding that I wouldn't necessarily need to be here anymore myself! No, I don't understand. What I do know is that he understands now. He's with our Savior! I know he's being educated now; learning about the Plan of Salvation and all the things that he was unable to learn on earth for his progression. He's beyond the veil and is happy. All of his suffering, worries, doubts, fears, inadequacies - they're gone, just like that! How amazing will that be? I have to say, and I sin when I do, that I'm just a wee bit envious of where he is, and that he's been spared of all the world's cruelty. I'm not envious that he doesn't get to participate in the raising of his daughter. I would never willingly give that up, but overall I just think that where he is, is where I want to be!

And so my sadness for him does not exist. How can we be sad for someone who obviously is blissfully happy where he is? What can I possibly be sad for? He has passed into a place where he's surrounded by love, acceptance, understanding and knowledge. I'll save my sadness for his mother who will miss him beyond measure.

If I contrast these feelings to those I'd have had for this same funeral even a year ago, you'd have thought I was a different person. I'd have despaired and been confused, hurt, frustrated, and engulfed in sadness for the loss of opportunities. I'd have been frustrated that in the birth of so many good things in his life, he was jerked so rudely away, and in such a tragic way. It can be seen both ways I think.

By dying in the manner he did, Brad was able to see such love poured out on him. So many people at his funeral saying such wonderful things. I'm sure it touched his heart.

I expressed to Todd how I felt about Brad being alive still, just in another place. He said it was just my opinion. But I felt so strongly about it being the truth that I just said "No, it's not my opinion. It's the truth!" And he didn't say another thing. Sometimes I can just FEEL the spirit in the room when I talk to him and I can only use that to explain why he doesn't feel inclined to "talk back" to me or argue.

All in all, this was such a faith promoting experience for me. I am so at peace and calmed by my faith in the Lord. He can't protect everyone and prevent all bad things from happening. That would go against his entire plan; I understand that. But to know what is waiting for us on the other side is a wonderful gift to hold onto during the trials we face in this life.