Immediate Blessings

The story continues the week after Christmas 2006. Todd was giving me an icy shoulder and I was desperate. I was so scared he was going to divorce me after all I'd done to try to make our marriage better.

I found out from our brother-in-law that he was planning to go to his home-town for the weekend to help on his brother's new house construction. I called his mother on Friday and pleaded for her help. His mother is an active mormon and attends the temple regularly. She is in a similar situation as myself as her husband is not a member. I asked her to please talk to Todd, explain why I did what I did and help him understand that I didn't do it to hurt him; the contrary. She said she'd do what she could.

I didn't see Todd again until Sunday. It was a hard day because of his treatment - he can really make it rough for me. I remember crying during Sacrament again. I fasted again. I'm so grateful for my fasting days because they have enlightened me so much! I went to church and had a combined Relief Society/Priesthood meeting to discuss missionary work. I listened although felt that my efforts at missionary work are mainly geared toward my husband right now so much of what was said wouldn't apply. Then, the speaker started discussing Alma the Younger, and the conversion of the Lamanites. These people were hateful, evil people who have committed atrocious sins and violated the works of God's people that it seems they would not be worthy of forgiveness ever! And yet, they were converted...because of one person's faith and prayers. These conversions were MIRACLES in their time. I sat there amazed. Todd isn't a murderer. He doesn't sin more than an average person and can't be considered evil. He's a decent man who is responsible and tries to do right by his family. I am one person with faith and who prays. I can ask for a miracle too - and likely I can get it. If those people who prayed for Alma the Younger and the Lamanites were able to receive their miracles, then I could too.

And I did. I came home full of hope. I prayed for a long time begging for a miracle. I knew in my heart it was possible. I didn't need total conversion, just a softening. I needed a sign that things would be okay. I begged but I was full of faith - the same God who parted the red seas, loves me! He is capable of doing this small thing (in comparison) for me and him!

The next night he started talking. It started out as a small argument but soon moved into the realm of religion and what I'd done. He nearly cried which is huge for him. He told me he feels like he lost his best friend, and wife. He feels betrayed, deserted, and uncared for. He felt like I never considered how he felt. He also told me that perhaps part of why he feels so upset is that maybe he believes in "it" (it being the mormon religion). He told me he was mainly upset about me ruining Christmas, and also not discussing the actual date of when I was planning to go until just right before I went. He knew I'd known for at least a month before, and yet I didn't tell him util a week before. I knew he was right about this and I was ashamed. I was also ashamed that I hadn't considered how my going would affect Christmas. I had behaved selfishly. However, in the same conversation, he told me that he was both proud of me, and pissed at me at the same time. That made me feel honored. He also said that he wanted to have another baby. Regarding the garments, which seem to be a huge hang-up for him, he said that he had no idea how badly they would affect him. He knew I'd be wearing them but until I showed up in them, he was unprepared. He said he physically recoiled at the thought of touching me when I have them on. I rejoiced inside when I heard that because I knew it was Satan, and not Todd, having this reaction. If Todd can only cast Satan from him, I feel he will finally have peace. If only I knew how to help him do that though.

At the conclusion of this conversation, I was elated. I thanked Heavenly Father for showing me Todd's soul and giving me hope for the future. I don't expect things to change dramatically for a long time but at least I know that somewhere deep down inside, Todd is struggling to determine where his place is in this. He may not be to the point where is actively choosing to make changes, but I know it's coming.

Several years ago when I was still inactive and Natalie was only a couple months old, some missionaries came to my door, at Renee's request of course. I told them we were inactive and that while I was considering coming back, Todd wouldn't. I explained that he was very antagonistic and would likely never be active again. At that time, one of the missionaries said to me, "Amy, I promise you that if you start going to church, he will come too." I took it lightly and even scoffed in my head but Renee said that a missionary would never say something like that if he wasn't prompted to. I have lived by that promise and have found great comfort and peace from knowing that my painful efforts will be rewarded one day when we can enjoy the blessings of Heavenly Father together as an eternal family. I want this for him as much as I want this for me. The blessings I receive are so wonderful, and I want him to experience the happiness and joy that I feel.