The Lord's Blessings

Just as I was considering not fasting every week anymore because I figured I was in for a long haul and it's pretty hard to fast every week, something happened that restored my faith.

My post yesterday described the sad state of my heart; I was so down. I used the "divorce" word and I suppose it worked. Todd came to me late in the evening after the kiddo was in bed and started to talk again to me. He was humble, and quiet and listened to all I said. I talked a lot to him in spiritual terms, explaining so much that I've wanted to say for so long but he was never in the right frame of mind to hear.

I told him I wanted my husband back, and that no, I didn't really want a divorce; I just want to have hope that we will be okay. I felt the spirit so much during that whole conversation and he would have to be made of cement to not feel it too. It was so encouraging.

I had no idea how the conversation would impact actual life and the end of the discussion happened abruptly when he said he was going to bed and "g'night". He came home early today to work on the basement and shortly after, right in front of Nat, he came to me and gave me a big hug. Not only that, but he kissed me on my forehead. He didn't actally say anything but it didn't matter - I knew what he was trying to say. It was so special and amazing and I felt wonderful.

Needless to say, I am not going to discontinue my fasting. In fact, I prayed last night that the Lord not bring absolute peace too soon to my family because once there is peace in our home, there will be no more opportunities to share the spirit with him in heart-to-heart discussions like the ones we've been having. They only occur when we're desperate. I'm willing to make a sacrifice for a greater promise later. I know the Lord can give it to us, and he will. It will just take some more time.

Not Such a Happy Day

It's Sunday again about 5pm. Time to end my fast. It's been a hard day but that's typical for Sundays. It seems that the combination of factors are aligned to cause a fight. First and foremost are the adversary because I'm fasting. Second is that Todd is home, and third, I'm going to church on Sundays. Put the three together, and it's a fight. Perhaps I should consider fasting another day.

Todd's still not giving me so much as a hug. I said, "I love you" on the phone the other day, and he said, "you too" which is actually really a big step but I'm still pretty frustrated. He just doesn't seem to have an inner-indicator that tells him when enough is enough or when he's gone over the edge of being inappropriate. Today our fight was about something silly but he changed it to be about my going to church and of course the temple. I finally said that it didn't appear that he was ever going to change his behavior toward me and that I had a responsiblity to Natalie. I can't let Natalie grow up believing that this is the proper way for a man to treat his wife. And that's it. I hope it didn't come out as a threat, although I'm sure he took it that way, but I told him that I couldn't stay around much longer if he was going to continue to behave that way. I told him that if it weren't for Nat, I'd subject myself to it for much longer but for her sake, I just can't.

I have to use the "divorce" card more frequently than I like to, but I do because it works. He knows I can easily support Natalie and myself with a really good life. I could buy a house and have a terrifically paying job tomorrow and never even blink. Not to mention that he knows that I'd get custody of Nat. Sometimes I hate that I am so capable because it makes it easier to play the card, but at other times, I'm just so grateful I have it.

During the course of our discussion, he grumbled that it was likely that he certainly would get over the fact that I'm wearing garments. What he was having a hard time digesting was that he doesn't feel that I included him on the decision to change his life. Which is false of course. I talked with him as much as I could. He had to sign the letter. I even asked him to talk to the Bishop about it but he refused. I think what he is talking about is that I didn't make my decision in accord with what he desired. That would have been the only acceptable course of action on my part. He's only looking at it from his perspective. He thinks I didn't think about him at all. And to me, that is so far from the truth, that when he says it, I almost want to cry. Okay, most of the time I do cry. It hurts so badly for him to think that I am that selfish. He has no concept of really why I did what I did, and whom I really did it for. Yes, I did it for me. But I wouldn't have done it right now (of all times) JUST for me, especially knowing how he felt about it. But of course he can't see that and won't.

I wish my life would be put on fast forward. I want to get to the part where he finally remembers, and appreciates the sacrifices that I felt compelled to make for us, and especially for Natalie. Honestly if it weren't, again, for Natalie I probably wouldn't have even gone back to church. But I did. And I'm so glad I did. It was the most right thing I've ever done in this world except for become a mother.

Plodding Along

Do you ever feel like you live for Sunday? I never thought I'd say that or feel like that, for that matter. But when Sunday comes around, I know I'm going to a place where I can be around other people who feel like I do, and feel the spirit despite whatever argument I've been in prior to coming which is very often the case in our home.

Our Relief Society lessons this year are based on the teachings of President Kimball and the lesson yesterday was about adversity. It seemed to relate more to the death of someone close, but much of it related to everyday challenges we face in life, and enduring. I am always very interested in talks or articles or scriptures relating to this topic because usually they inspire me to keep on in times of hardship, which virtually describes my entire relationshp with Todd.

It seems that regardless of what ever else is going on with Todd and I - whatever project or activity we're engaged in together, there is this underlying thread of "mormonism" that pervades all of our interactions. Sometimes we can go several days without even discussing it but it's always there. It's as if my garments have a voice too. Our weekend was rather uneventful in terms of arguments. We did have one on Friday night about something minor and inconsequential but they always seem exaggerated because we both feel the undertone. But after that argument was over, which we both just let die, things smoothed out. He's been civil and even on the edge of friendly. Never affectionate. He hasn't said "I love you" in well over a month" and that goes for touching me (at all). There's no sign that a marriage exists here at all. It's strictly conversation.

Anyway, back to our church lesson. I don't have the book handy right now or I'd just quote what I highlighted. But I remember that it said something about how if everytime a person prayed to have adversity removed, and it was done so, there would never be any adversity. Then there would be no unhappiness, and on and on until we had no freedom to choose. This made sense to me. Heavenly Father will not remove this from me right away. First off, I'm sure I've not learned all that I need to from it. There's a lot of damage that needs to be healed between the two of us before it can be removed. And if he did choose to remove it right away, the catalyst might be something drastic that I may not want anyhow. The lesson also said something about how a person under constant or frequent adversity (and I will take liberty to make an analogy) is similar to being in a rock tumbler. Smoothing away all the imperfections and making us more perfect and elgible for the Celestial Kingdom. So why would we want adversity taken away?

Ok, I'd rather have LOTS of problems other than this one. Maybe something that doesn't so completely divide my family. But again, at least I am married. I know this man loves me. I also know that he believes in the plan of salvation. I know he wants to have another baby. I know he wants to stay married to me. That's a good start; and it's only really been a month. I'll give it some more time.

Immediate Blessings

The story continues the week after Christmas 2006. Todd was giving me an icy shoulder and I was desperate. I was so scared he was going to divorce me after all I'd done to try to make our marriage better.

I found out from our brother-in-law that he was planning to go to his home-town for the weekend to help on his brother's new house construction. I called his mother on Friday and pleaded for her help. His mother is an active mormon and attends the temple regularly. She is in a similar situation as myself as her husband is not a member. I asked her to please talk to Todd, explain why I did what I did and help him understand that I didn't do it to hurt him; the contrary. She said she'd do what she could.

I didn't see Todd again until Sunday. It was a hard day because of his treatment - he can really make it rough for me. I remember crying during Sacrament again. I fasted again. I'm so grateful for my fasting days because they have enlightened me so much! I went to church and had a combined Relief Society/Priesthood meeting to discuss missionary work. I listened although felt that my efforts at missionary work are mainly geared toward my husband right now so much of what was said wouldn't apply. Then, the speaker started discussing Alma the Younger, and the conversion of the Lamanites. These people were hateful, evil people who have committed atrocious sins and violated the works of God's people that it seems they would not be worthy of forgiveness ever! And yet, they were converted...because of one person's faith and prayers. These conversions were MIRACLES in their time. I sat there amazed. Todd isn't a murderer. He doesn't sin more than an average person and can't be considered evil. He's a decent man who is responsible and tries to do right by his family. I am one person with faith and who prays. I can ask for a miracle too - and likely I can get it. If those people who prayed for Alma the Younger and the Lamanites were able to receive their miracles, then I could too.

And I did. I came home full of hope. I prayed for a long time begging for a miracle. I knew in my heart it was possible. I didn't need total conversion, just a softening. I needed a sign that things would be okay. I begged but I was full of faith - the same God who parted the red seas, loves me! He is capable of doing this small thing (in comparison) for me and him!

The next night he started talking. It started out as a small argument but soon moved into the realm of religion and what I'd done. He nearly cried which is huge for him. He told me he feels like he lost his best friend, and wife. He feels betrayed, deserted, and uncared for. He felt like I never considered how he felt. He also told me that perhaps part of why he feels so upset is that maybe he believes in "it" (it being the mormon religion). He told me he was mainly upset about me ruining Christmas, and also not discussing the actual date of when I was planning to go until just right before I went. He knew I'd known for at least a month before, and yet I didn't tell him util a week before. I knew he was right about this and I was ashamed. I was also ashamed that I hadn't considered how my going would affect Christmas. I had behaved selfishly. However, in the same conversation, he told me that he was both proud of me, and pissed at me at the same time. That made me feel honored. He also said that he wanted to have another baby. Regarding the garments, which seem to be a huge hang-up for him, he said that he had no idea how badly they would affect him. He knew I'd be wearing them but until I showed up in them, he was unprepared. He said he physically recoiled at the thought of touching me when I have them on. I rejoiced inside when I heard that because I knew it was Satan, and not Todd, having this reaction. If Todd can only cast Satan from him, I feel he will finally have peace. If only I knew how to help him do that though.

At the conclusion of this conversation, I was elated. I thanked Heavenly Father for showing me Todd's soul and giving me hope for the future. I don't expect things to change dramatically for a long time but at least I know that somewhere deep down inside, Todd is struggling to determine where his place is in this. He may not be to the point where is actively choosing to make changes, but I know it's coming.

Several years ago when I was still inactive and Natalie was only a couple months old, some missionaries came to my door, at Renee's request of course. I told them we were inactive and that while I was considering coming back, Todd wouldn't. I explained that he was very antagonistic and would likely never be active again. At that time, one of the missionaries said to me, "Amy, I promise you that if you start going to church, he will come too." I took it lightly and even scoffed in my head but Renee said that a missionary would never say something like that if he wasn't prompted to. I have lived by that promise and have found great comfort and peace from knowing that my painful efforts will be rewarded one day when we can enjoy the blessings of Heavenly Father together as an eternal family. I want this for him as much as I want this for me. The blessings I receive are so wonderful, and I want him to experience the happiness and joy that I feel.

Going to the Temple

So I left off with the night before I went to the temple for the first time. What a crazy week. I was on my knees constantly asking for the strength to continue and perservere. It was hard. But Friday morning came. My mother came to babysit and my best friend, and sister Renee showed up to be my escort.

A word on Renee. Renee has been my best friend since I was a little tiny girl. I didn't know it until I was 18 though. She has been my #1 fan, biggest support and knows me better than anyone in this world. She has tirelessly prayed for me, and done her best to be a good example of what being LDS really is. I've had so many arguments with her about the mormon faith but she never shoved it down my throat. She would merely back down and leave it to Heavenly Father to humble me in his time. Without Renee, I would not be doing what I'm doing now. I owe her nearly all of the credit. And during my preparation, she has been the source of so much of my knowledge, and support. I've relied upon her for so many answers to questions and she's done her best to lead me in the right direction. I pray daily in gratitude to my Father for giving me such a wonderful friend. If nothing else pans out in my life, at least I am still sealed to her.

I decided to attend the Salt Lake Temple to receive my first endowments. I thought it appropriate to go to the most beautiful of all temples. I am glad I did for a few reasons. My first initiatory session was as unusual as I expected but wonderful in the same way. I felt bewildered but calm. We then went on to the endowment session which was live. I was confused, again, and had many questions. So much new information to assimilate, most of which I promptly forgot. I was only able to ask questions and discuss most of it in the Celestial Room and by then I had forgotten all but the last part.

All in all, I marvelled that what I had just experienced was going to save my marriage. I prayed for more faith.

I didn't get home until late that night and went nearly directly to bed. The next morning, I got up for an early run and when I got home, Todd was giving Natalie breakfast. He didn't speak to me. I sat down at the table and asked him what was wrong. He was so angry. He said him and Nat were leaving for the day. I told him I didn't understand what was going on and that it wasn't fair that he take my family and leave me alone all day. He retorted, "You're the one who has left our family, don't blame me." I didn't know what he meant! Then he said something like, "You've got those garments on, and they are a wall between us."

I was astonished! I knew he would likely be upset after I went but I didn't anticipate this anger! I was devastated and prayed very hard that morning for comfort and a resolution. Todd came in a little later and told me that they were going for a drive and that if I wanted, I could come. Although I was exhausted from my run earlier (training for a 1/2 marathon) I went anyway. We drove to Idaho on a beer and lottery ticket run, of all things. He didn't speak to me the entire way and although I tried to make small talk, it was really no use. This was the Saturday before Christmas (Monday).

On Sunday, no conversation occured although I hoped that Christmas would be an ice-breaker.

Christmas day was a cold day, relationship-wise. It was an awesome day for Natalie and we tried to enjoy it best we could for her sake. But Todd opened his presents without joy and thanked me out of obligation, not gratitude. He spent an obscene amount of money on me which I could not understand. Especially because one of the things he bought me was broken and I had to take it back. When I asked the salesgirl when it was purchased, she said it had been purchased the previous Monday. That means he had bought it AFTER I had told him I was going to the temple that next Friday. I think this also means he didn't anticipate how he was going to feel after I actually went.

Even though relations were cold on Christmas, they were more thawed than they had been all weekend so I felt there was hope. I thought I'd give it a week or so and he would come around; maybe not be so angry. But by Sunday, things were not good. In fact, they were awful. Immediately following Christmas day, he lapsed into an icy silence. He was curt, rude and not kind. He did not kiss me, touch me, or talk to me. He talked only when absolutely necessary and then as if he hated me. I was desprate.

Renee suggested since things were so bad, perhaps we should go to the temple again. We planned to go the Wednesday after Christmas (2 days after) and we went to the Bountiful temple. This was a wonderful session for me. I felt the spirit so strong and so full. I participated more than I had in the past session and I cried because I felt the blessings on me so strongly. This was a night/day experience for me from my first time and I was amazed at the wonderful feelings I had, knowing they were directly from my Heavenly Father.

My Temple Preparation

I’ve been advised several times to journal my progress these past few months, especially the past few weeks. I actually went through the temple on the 22nd of December and received my endowments in the Salt Lake Temple. Since then, I’ve also been to the Bountiful temple as well.

My progression, as I’ve journaled a little bit, has been rather quick from when I first started going back to church and from when I went to the temple. This was all in less than a year, from February to December. Although it may seem quick to outsiders, it doesn’t feel like I rushed it although when I look back, it is odd that a year ago, I wasn’t even going to church.

When I first started going to church, I felt like I was going for Natalie to help her learn things that I learned and think have been good for me as I’ve grown older. Todd was very against me going and said that I could have chosen any church but the Mormon church and he’d be happy. But I was raised in the Mormon church and felt comfortable there and was drawn naturally there.

I remember the moment I decided I was going to go to church for the first time. I had a patient named Bonnie who was also friends with my mom. My mom worked at aSkilled Nursing Facility that I worked at for a time so we knew some mutual people and Bonnie was one of them. Well, Bonnie had some severe disabilities and died in late January or early February of 2006. My mom was going to the funeral and asked me if I wanted to go. I decided I would go and while I was sitting in the meeting room waiting for the service to start, I felt such a feeling of peace that I don’t take for granted anymore now that I have a child. I relished it because for a moment, I could stop and think and reflect on myself for a few minutes without anything else going on. I thought that maybe this is what it would be like every Sunday in a church meeting room if I went to church. That day I decided I’d go to church that next Sunday, and I did. From that Sunday, I never stopped going.

Shortly after going the first time, I met Rachel K., and some other friends, Katie R., Carly M., Kelly S., and several other girls who scrapbook on the first Friday night of every month. Because I enjoy it so much, I was invited to the next one and although I felt a little awkward that first one, by the third or fourth one, they treated me like I was part of the group. A few months later, some of us bought season passes to Cherry Hill water park and would go together with our kids and hang out a couple times a week. I believe the friendly bond existed between all of them before I came along, but they scooped me up like a lost bird and assimilated me into their group so naturally. I have been invited to all of their social events since the very beginning and I can’t say what that support has meant to me.

At the beginning of the summer, I met with Bishop F. to discuss preparations for going to the temple. He told me to take the summer preparing and after the summer was over, we’d meet and discuss a baptism recommend like the young men and women get. I remember when I first walked into the Bishop’s office, I was so egotistical. I was sure that he knew exactly who I was, and that I had been inactive for years and had just recently come back. I was sure he’d been watching me from across the meeting room all these months and that he was just biding his time before he’d put something in motion with me…a calling, visiting teachers, etc. Little did I know that hardly ever does he initiate those things himself and this particular bishop is sort of an introvert. He didn’t even know who I was when I walked in. Not only did I have to tell him who I was, but explain to him where I lived. This was a shock to me because as an inactive member all those years, I was sure that all eyes were on me! I thought that everyone was aware of my status, of me, and was watching me to see what I’d do. It was so self-centered and so completely wrong! I thought it was everyone’s intent to come and convert me and they were all sitting around plotting on how to get it done! Did I think for one minute that maybe they all had lives and were too busy to worry about me for a minute? Well since I’ve been back, I’ve learned a lot about this whole conversion and fellowshipping thing and it’s not what I thought at all.

Anyway, so my first visit with Bishop F. was merely to discuss getting ready to go to the temple. We talked for a while about my home situation and what my goals were. He told me that maybe I should take the summer and spend it getting some things in order like overcoming some of my temptations, etc. He said that I should come back in the fall and we could discuss my progress.

The summer was hard. I had to quit drinking coffee, all alcohol, swearing, dressing immodestly, and some other very difficult sins I had in my life. It was very hard. And by fall, I still hadn’t overcome all of them completely. I prayed every day to help me overcome them but the temptations were so strong. At times I felt like I had overcome them but my mind constantly played tricks on me, and the temptation was so strong at times. I felt sometimes like I had no power over it. Sometimes during the middle of the strongest of temptations I would just pray that I would be relieved, and I would. Other times, satan could convince me to justify my behaviors and I would succumb. There were many, many months of sinning, praying for forgiveness, then being tempted and overcoming only to succumb the next time, and then praying for forgiveness each time. The thing that kept me going during all that was that each time I sinned, I felt like it took me a lot longer to succumb like I was getting stronger each time. And I would pray and I instantly would feel the most soothing calmness that was our Father’s answer, “I know you’re trying, just don’t give up…I haven’t left you. I understand what you’re going through.” And I know he did. In Gethsemane I know he was tempted for all that I had to give up to the fullest! He was in agony and I can understand only a fraction because sometimes the agony of my temptations physically hurt! I would just cry out of frustration and he withstood this for me. Each time I would sin, I would cry because I had let him down again after he had withstood all of my temptations with pure success! This went on even until the day after I went to the temple because satan was so frustrated that he had lost me, I’m sure of it. He wanted me to sin after I had made my covenants. And I did, but not to the extent that he wanted me to. That particular day was the worst temptation of them all. Oh, satan did all that he could to justify my behavior and I wanted so much to give in – more so than at any time and I tried to walk the fence, to stick my foot into the gray area without sinning but it was wrong. I knew then, and so I stopped and came back. And I prayed and did not immediately receive the calming feeling I was so used to. I had made covenants in the temple for which I was responsible. And that was more serious than before and it still hasn’t been long enough yet for forgiveness to come for that small transgression, and so I am glad that I didn’t fall entirely. I would have much more work to do.

Anyway, so I met with Bishop F. again in mid to late October. It took some time to get an appointment with him. It seemed that every time I got ready to call him, I’d get distracted, couldn’t find his number or whatever. I even eventually called him and got an appointment for 2 weeks out that ended up having to be rescheduled by him for another week. Hence that’s why it was so late into the fall already. When I finally did meet with him, we talked for a really long time. I had much to explain about my situation with Todd. The Bishop pulled out a book that is a reference for the presidency, and he turned to a page that described the requirements for members of a couple to go to the temple without the other spouse. He said that he and the stake president both had to feel secure that my going to the temple wouldn’t jeopardize my marriage. They also had to have a letter from Todd stating that he gave his permission to go. He also said that if roles were reversed and Todd wanted to go and I didn’t, he’d have to get the letter from me also. No sexism here. I told him I wasn’t sure if Todd would give his consent but that I’d ask. The Bishop asked if he might come and talk to Todd to get his perspective about how our marriage might be affected by my going to the temple. I told the Bishop that I’d leave it up to the Lord and not worry about the outcome. I’d ask Todd for the things that were required and then stand back and just pray.

I came home that night and although Todd wasn’t really happy with me because he’d known that I was going to talk to the Bishop about going to the temple. But I sat down anyway and started talking to him about going and how he felt about it. He was angry. He said he never thought his wife would have a temple recommend and he was really upset. I asked him if I could go anyway and would he sign a paper saying I could go. At first he refused several times. He said that he had no reason to follow the Mormon’s rules and that if I was to go, I’d have to do it without his help. Then he said that he would sign the paper if I promised never to pay tithing. I told him it wasn’t a negotiation and that if he was going to sign the paper, he’d do it because he wanted to and not a quid pro quo. I told him I’d write up the paper and put it on his dresser and whenever he wanted to sign it, he could. No pressure. And I did. I also asked him if the Bishop could come and talk with him about me going. This he absolutely refused to do. He was so angry about this and I could do nothing to convince him. I eventually gave up and hoped that I could convince the Bishop that this wasn’t really necessary. The next morning Todd signed the letter on his dresser.

I made another appointment to visit the Bishop, this time with the letter. I should say that up until now, I was prepared to set my date for going for the following February or March. But before this appointment, I had a feeling that perhaps I should set the date for earlier. Before the appointment, I prayed about it and felt the answer was that I should be going as soon as possible. I didn’t know why, and it really didn’t matter to me when I went but since I felt I should be going soon, I decided to do that. I met with the Bishop that night and told him what I thought about the date. He said that he didn’t see a problem with that. We discussed the letter and the conversation I’d had with Todd. He was concerned about Todd’s attitude. Todd can’t understand the Mormons and the Mormons can’t understand Todd. But the Bishop was worried that our marriage would be in jeopardy if I went to the temple. But I’d prayed so much about the temple, and had such strong feelings about needing to go that I did my best to convince him that although my marriage was not ideal, it was my covenants in the temple that were going to make it better in the long run. And this was true. Inside me, I felt that the only thing left to improve our marriage was the temple, and going forward with this even though it was contrary to everything Todd wanted in his life. It broke my heart to think that this would put a big rift in our marriage but that eventually it would bring us back together. I believe that Bishop F. felt the spirit of my words and understood.

I don’t necessarily remember the entire timeline of what happened and when I found out that Bishop F. was being released from his calling, but it coincided with when I would need to get my recommend interview. I had the letter from Todd and I had convinced Bishop F. that it was the right decision to let me go to the temple but it seems like he told me that in order to get my recommend interview, I’d have to talk to the new Bishop. It seems like he got released that next Sunday. I was very worried about how things would progress with the new Bishop and that I’d have to go through the whole story with him and that it would take much longer than I had. Bishop F. told me that he would tell the new Bishop (Bishop P.) all about the situation and he would understand the urgency. I was not humble. I went to Bishop P. that next week, and I was stressed for time because I didn’t feel I had the time to tell him all I had explained to Bishop F. I was only really supposed to be gone for an hour at the most since Todd’s primary complaint about my going to church was the time it would take away from our family. I had to get back also so that Todd wouldn’t have to put Natalie to bed on his own – that would make him angry also. I tried to avoid Todd’s anger at all costs so not to create more disharmony than was absolutely necessary. I sat with Bishop P. and told him a briefer version of the story. I found out that Bishop F. had not necessarily briefed Bishop P. the way I thought he would have, and so I had to start from square one. This took a lot of time but I tried to shorten things in the essence of time. I told him I felt I needed to go soon, and explained about our marriage and tried to convince him of the things I had told Bishop F. He was worried though and I was frustrated. He was back to the point where he wanted to visit with Todd. I had to explain that wasn’t going to happen and that he had to simply trust me and my answers from Heavenly Father. He said he’d pray about it and discuss it with the Stake President (President M.). I left feeling worried. He said he’d call me and that I could come see him at his office the next day (this was a Tuesday).

Well, he called me the next day and I assumed it was so he could tell me what time to come, but he left me a message instead telling me that he’d like to just see me after Sacrament on Sunday. At this point, I was trying my best to leave the timeline up to Heavenly Father, but I was also very worried. I remember having a conversation with Renee where she chastened me sternly. I told her that I didn’t want to have to go into the whole long story of everything with Bishop P. because that would take so much time, time that I didn’t feel I had. She told me it wasn’t my time – it was Heavenly Father’s time, and that I can’t cheat him of his timeline for me. I felt awful; I went home and prayed and asked for forgiveness. She was right. I wasn’t allowing Heavenly Father to act. I was taking control of something that I had said I had given up to him in the first place. I prayed along these lines for the next several days. I asked him to bless Bishop P. and President M. with the same answers he’d given me, and bless them also with the understanding of the situation if it was his will.

On Sunday, when I met with Bishop P., I sat down and waited for him to speak. He talked for a few minutes about other preparatory things and then said that he had received his answer from God. I almost couldn’t breathe. He said that he’d prayed about it, and that he had received a sweet feeling of peace, and he knew that it was the right decision…for our marriage. He said he knew this was the answer that I had been looking for to help our marriage and that he was confidant that I had made the right decision. He immediately gave me my recommend interview, and I could barely contain my tears the whole time. I felt so blessed and loved and understood. I was amazed that my prayers had accomplished this, and I was so comforted. I received my recommend on December 17th, 2006. It was Bishop P's first temple recommend and he asked if he and his wife could attend the session with me.

Since my date to go through the temple was the coming Friday, I was instructed to call President M. and make an appointment for this coming week. I did so and had to go to his office. I went on Wednesday thinking I still had plenty of time. We met in a big conference room and Natalie played in my purse while we met. It took us about 45 minutes to get through the whole interview. He asked me all of the same questions that Bishop P. asked. At this time, I felt inclined to explain some of my temptations and sins to him. He expressed concern that I hadn’t discussed my past sins (before I’d come back to the church) with any church official. He said that for both of our peace of minds, perhaps I should share the nature of all of those sins. He said that if I did, I’d never wonder if I ever should have shared those things with a church official. I told him of my main indiscretions and explained how I felt that they had all been forgiven. And this was the truth. I have had the most wonderful feeling of lightness, and forgiveness as if I actually qualify to go to the Celestial Kingdom for the first time since I was 8 years old. I was uncomfortable telling him some of the things I’d done, but I trusted him and knew he was trying to do the right thing also. After signing my recommend he noticed that I needed the recommend that allowed me to get my own endowments. This was an entirely different recommend and should have been given to me by Bishop P.. He told me that I’d have to get that, have Bishop P. sign it, and come back to have President M. sign it also.

I went home and left a message for Bishop P. at his office to call me, or drop the recommend off at my house. He didn’t get the message so the next morning, I called him again. This time I was able to reach him at home and he said that he’d go over to the church, get the recommend and drop it off at my house since I was out running errands. When I got home late that afternoon, I had received the recommend. I had to call President M., and go up to his house that evening (it was Thursday now) to sign it.

It was a lot of hoops to jump through. It seemed that in the last few weeks anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I was being tempted so much in so many different areas. It was so awful. I can’t believe it actually happened.

I have to write a little about the Sunday that I got my recommend though, the 17th. That was an awful, and yet such a wonderful day. I woke up around 8 or 9, and was fasting. I’ve been fasting every Sunday for several months for my marriage so that day was a typical day for fasting. The night before Todd and I had gone to a company Christmas party, and I won’t go into details but there was a lot of drinking and it came out that I was going to church. It was a very uncomfortable position because all of the people we were with were people that Todd works with and I didn’t know what he’d said about me except that I was pretty sure that whatever it was, it hadn’t been good. I felt very lonely and hurt. The next morning I confronted Todd about it. The problem was that I had a clear answer from Heavenly Father that I should merely tell Todd that I wish I had known he had told all of his friends that I was going to church and let it at that. Not let us get into an argument. But I didn’t listen and I let myself get drawn into an argument about how I felt. And the conversation wasn’t going well. In fact it was going awfully. I begged Todd to try to understand what I was saying and he just couldn’t. Finally he said, “Fine, I will do my best to understand what you’re saying.” He said this very begrudgingly but I took this opportunity. I told him to wait for a second while I collected my thoughts and I said a prayer begging Heavenly Father to help me form the words that I needed to say to help him understand my view. Then I said, “When you talk to your friends about me being Mormon and you say things that make them think that you hate Mormons, it might lead them to believe that you don’t care or love me, and that hurts me.” I swear I saw the light of understanding cross his face. I can’t describe it any other way. He really understood, and I swore to him that I was to blame for this same thing – making people think that I might not love or care for him the way that I do, by what I say. I promised that I would do my best to stop doing this because now I knew how it felt. I was again in awe of the powers of my Father because I could never have put into words how I felt for him to understand me, and that prayer was answered so strongly and loudly. I couldn’t mistake it.

Somehow in that conversation, it came out that I was planning on going to the temple this coming Friday. I hadn’t told him before because I knew he’d be angry and I didn’t want to have to deal with all of that. I knew that regardless of when he found out, he’d be angry so why tell him too early? This was my rationale. And he was angry, very angry. But not more than I thought he’d be. He was sullen. He made many rude comments and tried to deter me, and I tried to explain my view but we got nowhere. I was so worried. I was so scared I’d made the wrong choice. I went in my room and lay on my bed for about 2 hours praying. I cried and I tried to decide if I should stop going to church. I thought so hard about where Todd and I had been in the past, and where we are now. I thought about what it would be like to stop going to church entirely and how I’d feel inside. I wondered what would happen if I decided not go to the temple at all. I prayed and pondered so long about which way to go and all I could feel was that I had to keep going. I couldn’t stop and the main feeling was that there was nothing to go back for. There was nothing there. I was calmed and told that if I kept on in the direction I was going, that it would be worth it. Of course I was still hurting. Todd had told me that he felt that I had left the road that we were traveling together and now I was off on my own path and had left him. He said he felt like I was choosing the Mormons over him and he was hurting too. I felt so awful but I was also comforted because I knew my Father was with me, and that if I kept doing what he wanted me to do, then everything would work out alright. I got up and got ready for church, and I left.

Sacrament meeting was hard. I remember crying during certain talks and songs. I tried to be strong but I was hurting and worried for Todd. I still remember knowing that my decision was right but I felt so terrible for how Todd must be feeling. I couldn’t explain to him any of this though. I couldn’t tell him that our Heavenly Father loved him so much that he made me that strong to do all of this on my own. He wouldn’t have understood it then.

After Sacrament, I had the meeting with the Bishop where I could hardly keep from crying because of the words of the Bishop. How he had said that he knew I was making the right decision to go the temple and how he had been assured that it was the right decision also with that sweet peace. I was astonished. I had received an answer earlier on my bed but this was like a blow to me. How could Heavenly Father know that I needed those precise words just then and how close I’d been to not even coming ever again to church? How could he have known that the exact words that I needed to hear related to Todd and how our marriage would be better as a result of my faith.

More later...