Plodding Along

Do you ever feel like you live for Sunday? I never thought I'd say that or feel like that, for that matter. But when Sunday comes around, I know I'm going to a place where I can be around other people who feel like I do, and feel the spirit despite whatever argument I've been in prior to coming which is very often the case in our home.

Our Relief Society lessons this year are based on the teachings of President Kimball and the lesson yesterday was about adversity. It seemed to relate more to the death of someone close, but much of it related to everyday challenges we face in life, and enduring. I am always very interested in talks or articles or scriptures relating to this topic because usually they inspire me to keep on in times of hardship, which virtually describes my entire relationshp with Todd.

It seems that regardless of what ever else is going on with Todd and I - whatever project or activity we're engaged in together, there is this underlying thread of "mormonism" that pervades all of our interactions. Sometimes we can go several days without even discussing it but it's always there. It's as if my garments have a voice too. Our weekend was rather uneventful in terms of arguments. We did have one on Friday night about something minor and inconsequential but they always seem exaggerated because we both feel the undertone. But after that argument was over, which we both just let die, things smoothed out. He's been civil and even on the edge of friendly. Never affectionate. He hasn't said "I love you" in well over a month" and that goes for touching me (at all). There's no sign that a marriage exists here at all. It's strictly conversation.

Anyway, back to our church lesson. I don't have the book handy right now or I'd just quote what I highlighted. But I remember that it said something about how if everytime a person prayed to have adversity removed, and it was done so, there would never be any adversity. Then there would be no unhappiness, and on and on until we had no freedom to choose. This made sense to me. Heavenly Father will not remove this from me right away. First off, I'm sure I've not learned all that I need to from it. There's a lot of damage that needs to be healed between the two of us before it can be removed. And if he did choose to remove it right away, the catalyst might be something drastic that I may not want anyhow. The lesson also said something about how a person under constant or frequent adversity (and I will take liberty to make an analogy) is similar to being in a rock tumbler. Smoothing away all the imperfections and making us more perfect and elgible for the Celestial Kingdom. So why would we want adversity taken away?

Ok, I'd rather have LOTS of problems other than this one. Maybe something that doesn't so completely divide my family. But again, at least I am married. I know this man loves me. I also know that he believes in the plan of salvation. I know he wants to have another baby. I know he wants to stay married to me. That's a good start; and it's only really been a month. I'll give it some more time.