Since I don't post to this blog a huge amount, I sometimes forget what I've posted about so sorry if any of this is redundant.
We've had a difficult past little while financially which is probably no news to anyone because why would we be different? Everyone's having a rough time unless for some reason you're in a recession proof job (incidentally I personally am in a recession proof industry but I'm not the primary bread-winner) and so we are at the whim of my husband's profession which unfortunately for us, is construction. He's done ok but for a while it was very rocky and this was right around the time that I had the baby and wanted desperately, for the first time ever, to just be home full-time with my girls. It didn't work out that way though.
At that time, my husband sold out of his company and left his truck with the other owners as partial payment of the % of debt that was his. And consequently we were down to one car. He bought a work-truck of sorts so that he'd have something to drive as he tried to start his own company. So we have our Jeep which is my primary car, and the work truck which is big, dirty and not very suitable for driving kids around when I've got the car and he's with them.
This whole situation is very new to us and we're having a hard time getting used to it. We live in a 2 car (at least) country right? Since I've been an adult, I've not ever had to share my car! And now, I have to always be conscious of the fact that if I take the car, I've left him home basically without a way to go do anything unless he drove the beast. I work a lot of Saturdays, evenings and often he'll come home early and I go to work. Plus, I'm at church every Sunday and he'd like to go to the hardware store or whatever. I'm often told to "hurry" or "just remember I'm stranded", or "you're really going to be gone all day?" And then I feel guilty...FOR WORKING! It's like the worst disparity of all time!
There's no way we could afford a new car. And I recently did our budget and we have a ton of debt. I diligently worked up a budget using Dave Ramsey's baby step program and worked out that in 9 years of perseverance, I can pay off all of our debt including our home. But that's not incurring any new debt! But how would we get another car and not incur new debt? The baby step program didn't include any extra savings plan or any way you can get big ticket items - there's virtually nothing left!
So I started praying. I was doing the right things. Doing my part, I mean. I didn't just throw it up to him and expect a miracle. I did ask for one though. I know people who have been given cars and I didn't think it unreasonable for me to ask for that! We deserve it!
Well, we were driving home from his parent's house yesterday after our Easter visit and he told me his dad has a little extended cab truck out in the back that has an engine block that needs replaced. His mom told him that we could have it if he wants to replace that engine. Todd looked it up online and said he could probably replace the engine for less than $1000. We can do that! What we can't do is serve up $10,000 for a used car and make payments!
I was shocked when he told me this. And I am usually extremely hesitant when I tell him spiritual things but I told him I'd prayed that we would be given a car. He was less than impressed, at least that's how he acted but really...that blows my mind! I mean, can you get a more direct answer to a prayer? And I'm sure that affected him - how could it not?
You guys, I'm stunned, humbled, so undeserving and grateful. Not for the car - I mean, ya I'm grateful and stunned and humbled for the car...but more to the Lord. He's paying attention to the things I'm doing. The efforts I'm making, the strides I'm taking to be responsible and to heed his words (get out of debt). And he wants to help ME! He put the answer right in my lap. What more proof does a person need that He is there and that He loves us and He wants us to be happy. Wow.
W.O.W.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Bishop's Call
The Bishop called me this afternoon. He said he'd been thinking a lot about my calling change and hadn't really felt right about it. Funny, that's sort of the way that I felt about it.
We talked for a while about it and he decided that perhaps moving me wasn't what he wanted to do after all. So, I'll be announced AGAIN in sacrament this Sunday and all I asked was that it wouldn't make me look like a petulant child since I really hadn't asked to be re-instated. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I didn't call a single soul and discuss it. I only felt bad inside about it.
Anyway, that's the deal...I'm happy about it.
We talked for a while about it and he decided that perhaps moving me wasn't what he wanted to do after all. So, I'll be announced AGAIN in sacrament this Sunday and all I asked was that it wouldn't make me look like a petulant child since I really hadn't asked to be re-instated. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I didn't call a single soul and discuss it. I only felt bad inside about it.
Anyway, that's the deal...I'm happy about it.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I Need To Write More Frequently
Ahhhh. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. I've had some weird thought processes that continue to plague me. I know there are plenty of people that read this blog and I should be keeping it more updated. It might also help me get through my "issues".
As it is, I was released from my Personal Progress calling today after being in it for little less than a year. All being said, I think I gave it 75% effort and is that good? With what goes on in my life every time I try to participate wholly in a calling, I'd say yes, it is good. I was in charge of Young Women in Excellence and New Beginnings, as well as several mutual activities - all activities that required that I be away from home. It was not cool according to Todd. I put up with a lot of criticism for being away those evenings.
It seemed for awhile that Todd was easing up and becoming more comfortable with the idea of me participating more in church activities but it turns out that it was not. We had it out several weeks ago when he felt that I was spending more time on church stuff than on our marriage. Again, he felt "betrayed". I don't get that but whatever. Whatever. I wish I could get that better but for now, it escapes me.
So, I was taken out of that calling. Am I the only person who feels a distinct sense of rejection when being released from a calling? Did I do something wrong? It's true that the New Beginning's program, which by the way was LAST SUNDAY, (yeah, pretty clear message: New Beginnings Sunday...not even a week goes by and I am released - Bishop even stopped by my house on Thursday so he was serious) was not exactly how I had pictured it and went very long but I thought it was alright. And whether or not it was my perseverance or someone else's, I've had 4 girls finish their personal progress in 9 months. I'd call that success in something but I was released anyway.
What was I called to? Young Women transition specialist. You know, helping the Laurels transition to Relief Society when they turn 18. The bishop specifically mentioned that it should be more lax in time requirements and not require me to participate in meetings and activities as much. Was this especially a problem that no one mentioned to me? Why am I feeling defensive about a volunteer position? I'm being a little irrational... Yeah, I nearly cried.
On another note, a good friend of mine asked me a question last week that's kept my mind reeling all week long. She's been struggling with her spirituality and her testimony for as long as I've known her and sh.e asked me if I truly have a testimony that our church is "true". Truth be told, I actually really dislike that saying..."I know this church is true". I actually believe that a lot of churches are true. As to the most complete, then yes, this is how I would rather describe it. So she asked me this and we have a pact to always tell the truth to each other regardless of the repercussions. So I said I said I do and she asked why. It was hard for me...and that's hard to admit because we Mormons want to be perfect and never admit to another that our testimonies ever quaver because that would admit that we falter here and there. But I'm not perfect and my testimony wavers. I told her I'd have to think about it. And I have.
And I didn't really like what I came up with. I have a strong testimony of the gospel, yes this is true. But why. I decided that I'm a really black and white person and I like the boundaries that the gospel provides in my life. I decided a long time ago that I have specific ideas about how I want to lead my life. I want to be a good person. But it's a pretty nebulous term and lots of stuff could go wrong if you don't know exactly how to accomplish your goals. The gospel lays it out pretty specifically and that's what I really like about it.
But what about all the rest of what the gospel has to offer? I feel like I'm missing a huge boat here. Like my relationship with Christ. Like my covenants. Like the temple. Like the atonement. So much needs to be resolved here. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all of this like perhaps I'm really there for all of the wrong reasons. And if that's the case, why am I putting myself through all of this hell at home just for some boundaries that I'm sure I could establish on my own - and teach my children about without alienating my husband and creating the strife I have.
Anyway, I'm not about to give up - I've invested too much already and it would be very premature. But I've got some big things to think about. I know I'm being tempted. First that conversation with my friend and then being released from my calling.
I feel like I don't want to go to church tomorrow but how lame will that be. I'm sure I'll be called during Sacrament to my new calling and what better way to announce to the entire congregation that I am not there is to not be there when I'm announced to a new calling. Ahhhh.
On one other note, I went to a family history fair today. I really love doing family history. And, if I lose faith then there's really no purpose in doing family history other than as some hobby like other non-LDS genealogists. I loved being there and learning the things I did. I love the puzzle and the challenge and uncovering information no one else has ever uncovered before. It's incredibly awesome. I am inspired. Perhaps this is what will get me through this rough spell. Someone told me that I need to read the Book of Mormon. Maybe I need to do that too.
As it is, I was released from my Personal Progress calling today after being in it for little less than a year. All being said, I think I gave it 75% effort and is that good? With what goes on in my life every time I try to participate wholly in a calling, I'd say yes, it is good. I was in charge of Young Women in Excellence and New Beginnings, as well as several mutual activities - all activities that required that I be away from home. It was not cool according to Todd. I put up with a lot of criticism for being away those evenings.
It seemed for awhile that Todd was easing up and becoming more comfortable with the idea of me participating more in church activities but it turns out that it was not. We had it out several weeks ago when he felt that I was spending more time on church stuff than on our marriage. Again, he felt "betrayed". I don't get that but whatever. Whatever. I wish I could get that better but for now, it escapes me.
So, I was taken out of that calling. Am I the only person who feels a distinct sense of rejection when being released from a calling? Did I do something wrong? It's true that the New Beginning's program, which by the way was LAST SUNDAY, (yeah, pretty clear message: New Beginnings Sunday...not even a week goes by and I am released - Bishop even stopped by my house on Thursday so he was serious) was not exactly how I had pictured it and went very long but I thought it was alright. And whether or not it was my perseverance or someone else's, I've had 4 girls finish their personal progress in 9 months. I'd call that success in something but I was released anyway.
What was I called to? Young Women transition specialist. You know, helping the Laurels transition to Relief Society when they turn 18. The bishop specifically mentioned that it should be more lax in time requirements and not require me to participate in meetings and activities as much. Was this especially a problem that no one mentioned to me? Why am I feeling defensive about a volunteer position? I'm being a little irrational... Yeah, I nearly cried.
On another note, a good friend of mine asked me a question last week that's kept my mind reeling all week long. She's been struggling with her spirituality and her testimony for as long as I've known her and sh.e asked me if I truly have a testimony that our church is "true". Truth be told, I actually really dislike that saying..."I know this church is true". I actually believe that a lot of churches are true. As to the most complete, then yes, this is how I would rather describe it. So she asked me this and we have a pact to always tell the truth to each other regardless of the repercussions. So I said I said I do and she asked why. It was hard for me...and that's hard to admit because we Mormons want to be perfect and never admit to another that our testimonies ever quaver because that would admit that we falter here and there. But I'm not perfect and my testimony wavers. I told her I'd have to think about it. And I have.
And I didn't really like what I came up with. I have a strong testimony of the gospel, yes this is true. But why. I decided that I'm a really black and white person and I like the boundaries that the gospel provides in my life. I decided a long time ago that I have specific ideas about how I want to lead my life. I want to be a good person. But it's a pretty nebulous term and lots of stuff could go wrong if you don't know exactly how to accomplish your goals. The gospel lays it out pretty specifically and that's what I really like about it.
But what about all the rest of what the gospel has to offer? I feel like I'm missing a huge boat here. Like my relationship with Christ. Like my covenants. Like the temple. Like the atonement. So much needs to be resolved here. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all of this like perhaps I'm really there for all of the wrong reasons. And if that's the case, why am I putting myself through all of this hell at home just for some boundaries that I'm sure I could establish on my own - and teach my children about without alienating my husband and creating the strife I have.
Anyway, I'm not about to give up - I've invested too much already and it would be very premature. But I've got some big things to think about. I know I'm being tempted. First that conversation with my friend and then being released from my calling.
I feel like I don't want to go to church tomorrow but how lame will that be. I'm sure I'll be called during Sacrament to my new calling and what better way to announce to the entire congregation that I am not there is to not be there when I'm announced to a new calling. Ahhhh.
On one other note, I went to a family history fair today. I really love doing family history. And, if I lose faith then there's really no purpose in doing family history other than as some hobby like other non-LDS genealogists. I loved being there and learning the things I did. I love the puzzle and the challenge and uncovering information no one else has ever uncovered before. It's incredibly awesome. I am inspired. Perhaps this is what will get me through this rough spell. Someone told me that I need to read the Book of Mormon. Maybe I need to do that too.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
My Testimony About Fasting
Fasting, for many people, is a difficult and arduous thing. Fast Sunday...a day to "get through".
I beg to differ however and this is why...
After I went through the temple, and Todd was having such a hard time with my decision, I decided I would fast every single Sunday until things changed. And I did. I fasted every Sunday for about 7 months. At first it was difficult. I would dread them and barely get through. But as time went on, I learned much about my own spirituality, my tolerance and the power of fasting.
Each time I would fast, I swear something monumental would happen. Something that could not be explained just by coincidence or by the passage of time. Todd and I would have an enlightening conversation...he would confess he believed...he forgave me...our fights became discussions...love returned more quickly than anticipated... and all of these things may sound trite and inconsequential but they're not. If you were living my life, you'd understand that each and every occurrence was a miracle for me. And my testimony and spirituality grew leaps and bounds in those months. I felt so close to the Lord and his Will. It's as if it flowed through me and I walked on air.
About a year later, I happened to stop by a girlfriend's house who evidently was having a bad day. She was very frustrated about her child and his behaviors and didn't know what to do. I recommended that she spend a day and fast about the resolution. I told her how I felt about fasting and she said it was really hard for her but she might do it anyway. And she did. Later, she told me that she received an answer to her prayers from the fast and she was going to visit her pediatrician, which she did. Her pediatrician told her that she needed to be referred to an occupational therapist. And so she called me...because that's what I am! I saw her son, developed a treatment plan for him which she complied with very carefully and she reported back a few months later that he was doing great. This was the answer to her fast. I felt very humbled because not only did I counsel her to fast, I was able to help her in another way too.
I believe fasting can bring about miracles. I believe it can expedite the answers you need from your prayers. I believe that fasting can help you become closer to the Lord than you ever hoped to be. I believe it is one of the most wonderful tools that He has given to us.
I wrote this tonight because I had forgotten how much I loved it and I haven't been able to fast since I was pregnant and then nursing. But I'm finished nursing now and now can fast again. I am very excited because I have much to fast for.
If you are needing answers in a big way and feel that some extra effort is needed on your part, fast. Fast with your soul. Fast for 24 hours. Start and end with a prayer. Have a purpose to your fast and state it to the Lord. Pray often during your fast especially when you can't stop thinking about food. Read your scriptures and church magazines. These are the guidelines for fasting. He will respond...he covenanted with us that he would.
I beg to differ however and this is why...
After I went through the temple, and Todd was having such a hard time with my decision, I decided I would fast every single Sunday until things changed. And I did. I fasted every Sunday for about 7 months. At first it was difficult. I would dread them and barely get through. But as time went on, I learned much about my own spirituality, my tolerance and the power of fasting.
Each time I would fast, I swear something monumental would happen. Something that could not be explained just by coincidence or by the passage of time. Todd and I would have an enlightening conversation...he would confess he believed...he forgave me...our fights became discussions...love returned more quickly than anticipated... and all of these things may sound trite and inconsequential but they're not. If you were living my life, you'd understand that each and every occurrence was a miracle for me. And my testimony and spirituality grew leaps and bounds in those months. I felt so close to the Lord and his Will. It's as if it flowed through me and I walked on air.
About a year later, I happened to stop by a girlfriend's house who evidently was having a bad day. She was very frustrated about her child and his behaviors and didn't know what to do. I recommended that she spend a day and fast about the resolution. I told her how I felt about fasting and she said it was really hard for her but she might do it anyway. And she did. Later, she told me that she received an answer to her prayers from the fast and she was going to visit her pediatrician, which she did. Her pediatrician told her that she needed to be referred to an occupational therapist. And so she called me...because that's what I am! I saw her son, developed a treatment plan for him which she complied with very carefully and she reported back a few months later that he was doing great. This was the answer to her fast. I felt very humbled because not only did I counsel her to fast, I was able to help her in another way too.
I believe fasting can bring about miracles. I believe it can expedite the answers you need from your prayers. I believe that fasting can help you become closer to the Lord than you ever hoped to be. I believe it is one of the most wonderful tools that He has given to us.
I wrote this tonight because I had forgotten how much I loved it and I haven't been able to fast since I was pregnant and then nursing. But I'm finished nursing now and now can fast again. I am very excited because I have much to fast for.
If you are needing answers in a big way and feel that some extra effort is needed on your part, fast. Fast with your soul. Fast for 24 hours. Start and end with a prayer. Have a purpose to your fast and state it to the Lord. Pray often during your fast especially when you can't stop thinking about food. Read your scriptures and church magazines. These are the guidelines for fasting. He will respond...he covenanted with us that he would.
My Newest Calling
I got a new calling a couple of months ago but forgot to blog about it. We had a change in the presidency of the Young Women and I was kept in but shifted to the Personal Progress Specialist, a calling that will enable me to be much more one on one with the girls than the Secretary could be.
So far, I've been able to visit with most of the girls about where they are with their PP and our bishop has encouraged us to make good use of the summertime to get as much done as possible. I plan to host an activity that will enable some girls to pass off one of their Value experiences, or at least part of it. I have yet to think of the right thing.
I'm also in charge of Young Women in Excellence in November. If anyone has any great ideas for this, I'm open to anything. It is my first experience with this program since I was a Young Woman myself and I never finished my PP anyway. I think I'll finish it when my daughters go through the program.
In my interviews with the girls, I've come across a couple of lost souls, so to speak. Both get themselves in a lot of trouble and I am doing my best to be available to them and help them through these rough times.
One girl in particular I've tried to take in under my wing. She's been in a lot of legal trouble and also thinks currently that she might be pregnant. I can relate to this girl in many ways. Although her difficulties far out-spanned the ones I caused for myself, I can still understand her feelings of being misunderstood, lonely, confused etc. I've had her over to my house making jewelry, hanging out, going for drives, and generally trying to be a friend. But not the kind of friends she's used to. Her friends get her into bad situations like robbing homes and stuff like that. I, on the other hand try to just listen to her, not judge her and give her gentle guidance. She's asked me to help her break the news to her parents if she finds out that she really is pregnant. I took her to the store and bought her some pregnancy tests because she was afraid to ask her mom to. I know her mom would be grateful that I did this if she knew but I won't tell her yet. I think that it is up to this girl to be honest with her mother. Her mom does like me a lot and thanks me frequently for doing what I can. Honestly, I'm just grateful that I can give back to girl that was like me (remember my letter to my Young Women's leader?) I want to be that leader that really makes a difference and with this girl, I might just do that. Hopefully the Lord will help me know what I need to do to make the most difference.
So far, I've been able to visit with most of the girls about where they are with their PP and our bishop has encouraged us to make good use of the summertime to get as much done as possible. I plan to host an activity that will enable some girls to pass off one of their Value experiences, or at least part of it. I have yet to think of the right thing.
I'm also in charge of Young Women in Excellence in November. If anyone has any great ideas for this, I'm open to anything. It is my first experience with this program since I was a Young Woman myself and I never finished my PP anyway. I think I'll finish it when my daughters go through the program.
In my interviews with the girls, I've come across a couple of lost souls, so to speak. Both get themselves in a lot of trouble and I am doing my best to be available to them and help them through these rough times.
One girl in particular I've tried to take in under my wing. She's been in a lot of legal trouble and also thinks currently that she might be pregnant. I can relate to this girl in many ways. Although her difficulties far out-spanned the ones I caused for myself, I can still understand her feelings of being misunderstood, lonely, confused etc. I've had her over to my house making jewelry, hanging out, going for drives, and generally trying to be a friend. But not the kind of friends she's used to. Her friends get her into bad situations like robbing homes and stuff like that. I, on the other hand try to just listen to her, not judge her and give her gentle guidance. She's asked me to help her break the news to her parents if she finds out that she really is pregnant. I took her to the store and bought her some pregnancy tests because she was afraid to ask her mom to. I know her mom would be grateful that I did this if she knew but I won't tell her yet. I think that it is up to this girl to be honest with her mother. Her mom does like me a lot and thanks me frequently for doing what I can. Honestly, I'm just grateful that I can give back to girl that was like me (remember my letter to my Young Women's leader?) I want to be that leader that really makes a difference and with this girl, I might just do that. Hopefully the Lord will help me know what I need to do to make the most difference.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Temple Recommend Interview
Wow! Time has passed so quickly! I had to get my temple recommend re-instated for the first time already. Has it really already been 2 years? That's insane!
My sister-in-law is going through the temple on Saturday for the first time and I am so proud of her. It's been a long time in the making and I've encouraged her many times to go even if her husband wasn't ready. And she knows I speak from experience! I'm so honored that she invited me to go with her! I'm not her escort but still - that's very nice. I didn't invite ANYONE to go with me the first time. It was too nerve-wracking.
Anyway, when my recommend expired at the end of December, I had the bishop issue me another one but never had the stake president sign it and wasn't too worried about it because I knew with an infant, that my chances of getting to the temple in the first 6 months were pretty nil. But this new development necessitated that I get it signed...pronto!
So I sat in the stake president's office again tonight and went through the interview. I cringed over some questions and figure that if I don't feel an element of guilt during that interview over some of the questions then I am not being humble enough. That's alright. I can deal with that.
However, for the fourth time during a temple recommend interview (with bishops and stake presidents, etc.) I've had to explain my battle with decaf! Oh my gosh people! I LOVE COFFEE okay? I've given up the caffeinated stuff but decaf has been just so hard. When I am really feeling picked upon or extra cold or just need a treat, I get a decaf latte at the drive-through coffee shop - and I absolutely RELISH it. It's far better to me than any dessert I could possibly have. Isn't that stupid?
And for the fourth time, I've had them tell me that I need to just stay away from it. Easier said than done, I say! This time though, my stake president said, "you should avoid it - the price is just too high!" I was intrigued by what he said. "the price is just too high". It's true. I asked him what the deal was with decaf and why some people say it's okay. He said of course it's between me and the Lord, and where I'm at in my spiritual progress but that the Word of Wisdom is an obedience law - not necessarily a health law although he can't be entirely sure that tea and coffee aren't bad for our health on a large scale. Anyway, he said it's just better to be obedient than to have to pay the price later.
I'm tired of having to have this discussion time after time over a stupid drink. I'm going to make it a priority that in my next temple interview, I will not have to bring it up again. It's not like there aren't alternatives.
I also felt mildly bad about my "addiction" which is actually not coffee. But, I am dealing with it a day at a time and it's going well I think. Satan definitely has his claws in me on this one but I can tell you...I'm going to win :).
Ciao.
My sister-in-law is going through the temple on Saturday for the first time and I am so proud of her. It's been a long time in the making and I've encouraged her many times to go even if her husband wasn't ready. And she knows I speak from experience! I'm so honored that she invited me to go with her! I'm not her escort but still - that's very nice. I didn't invite ANYONE to go with me the first time. It was too nerve-wracking.
Anyway, when my recommend expired at the end of December, I had the bishop issue me another one but never had the stake president sign it and wasn't too worried about it because I knew with an infant, that my chances of getting to the temple in the first 6 months were pretty nil. But this new development necessitated that I get it signed...pronto!
So I sat in the stake president's office again tonight and went through the interview. I cringed over some questions and figure that if I don't feel an element of guilt during that interview over some of the questions then I am not being humble enough. That's alright. I can deal with that.
However, for the fourth time during a temple recommend interview (with bishops and stake presidents, etc.) I've had to explain my battle with decaf! Oh my gosh people! I LOVE COFFEE okay? I've given up the caffeinated stuff but decaf has been just so hard. When I am really feeling picked upon or extra cold or just need a treat, I get a decaf latte at the drive-through coffee shop - and I absolutely RELISH it. It's far better to me than any dessert I could possibly have. Isn't that stupid?
And for the fourth time, I've had them tell me that I need to just stay away from it. Easier said than done, I say! This time though, my stake president said, "you should avoid it - the price is just too high!" I was intrigued by what he said. "the price is just too high". It's true. I asked him what the deal was with decaf and why some people say it's okay. He said of course it's between me and the Lord, and where I'm at in my spiritual progress but that the Word of Wisdom is an obedience law - not necessarily a health law although he can't be entirely sure that tea and coffee aren't bad for our health on a large scale. Anyway, he said it's just better to be obedient than to have to pay the price later.
I'm tired of having to have this discussion time after time over a stupid drink. I'm going to make it a priority that in my next temple interview, I will not have to bring it up again. It's not like there aren't alternatives.
I also felt mildly bad about my "addiction" which is actually not coffee. But, I am dealing with it a day at a time and it's going well I think. Satan definitely has his claws in me on this one but I can tell you...I'm going to win :).
Ciao.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Family Home Evening
I've felt prompted so much lately to have a consistent FHE with my daughter. She's only four but I can understand why the prompting is there when I have the lessons with her. She's at such a wonderful age and loves all of the cheesy activities I concoct and loves to learn so much! I can just see her little sponge brain sucking up all of the things I'm telling her and I know it's getting through. I know that I am contributing to a large extent to her foundation of knowledge and hope that I can continue teaching her while this stage is still here. I know this is where the testimony starts - at this age and I'm doing my part to help establish that. I'm so grateful that the prophets have instructed us to have FHE because I really feel like I'm doing something that will really benefit her.
Did you realize how many great FHE resource web-sites there are out there? Just doing a very cursory search brought up so many hits with lessons practically planned for you - all you need to do is personalize them and add a snack to them. They're great!
Did you realize how many great FHE resource web-sites there are out there? Just doing a very cursory search brought up so many hits with lessons practically planned for you - all you need to do is personalize them and add a snack to them. They're great!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Great Message
Our bulletin announcement had a great message in it today at church and I thought I'd share it since it's been something that's been on my mind a lot lately as I contemplate what my purpose here on earth is and what I really hope to accomplish.
It centered on President Gordon B Hinckley's counsel to teach our children. He named seven things specifically that we need to be teaching them and I was glad to have a short list of things that I can focus on since the list of things that are available to teach is never-ending.
Anyway it said that once you are old and graying and begin reflecting back upon your life, likely your primary thoughts will be, "How have my children turned out?" And, if you have done your best to teach them these seven principles, then likely the answer will be, "very well".
1. teach them to seek for good friends
2. teach them to value education
3. teach them to respect their bodies
4. teach them to avoid illegal drugs as they would the plague
5. teach them to be honest
6. teach them to be virtuous
7. teach them to pray
In summary, teach them the gospel. If only the world as a whole would teach their children these things - I wonder what kind of a world we would live in.
It centered on President Gordon B Hinckley's counsel to teach our children. He named seven things specifically that we need to be teaching them and I was glad to have a short list of things that I can focus on since the list of things that are available to teach is never-ending.
Anyway it said that once you are old and graying and begin reflecting back upon your life, likely your primary thoughts will be, "How have my children turned out?" And, if you have done your best to teach them these seven principles, then likely the answer will be, "very well".
1. teach them to seek for good friends
2. teach them to value education
3. teach them to respect their bodies
4. teach them to avoid illegal drugs as they would the plague
5. teach them to be honest
6. teach them to be virtuous
7. teach them to pray
In summary, teach them the gospel. If only the world as a whole would teach their children these things - I wonder what kind of a world we would live in.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I'm Here, I'm Alive - Here's What's Up
I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. I'm still pregnant and plan to deliver February 18th via a scheduled C-section. My pregnancy has gone by quickly although it's been hard on my body. Nothing hugely monumental but I'm such a baby about things that the aches and pains have dominated me. That and I've been SO fatigued it's ridiculous. I've really gone into hermit mode whether it be from sheer exhaustion or depression - I haven't decided yet. Depression because it seems that I can't get control of anything I used to have so much control over. So many things are slipping and it's all I can do to keep up the basic necessities of my family.
On a religious front, I'm still doing my best. I'll tell you what - I've had sort of a hard time. Basic building blocks of our religion are really not much problem for me. I struggle with an occasional decaf latte because they are just so darn good but that's really may main transgression...if you don't count my "addiction" which shall remain un-named and that's because no one really likes to name their sins, right?
Let me tell you about it though - in vague terms. I've had this addiction for a long time and never really worried much about it until I started going back to church when I was able to kick it for a good amount of time. It was a terrible temptation though! And I struggled so much with it but had great confidence in my ability to withstand it. But over the past year, it has crept back into my life and I find my resolve to be diminished to a great extent! I resist taking to anyone about it because I don't want to admit my addiction, nor my human frailty - too much pride? Yeah, I think so. But I know that my addiction isn't something that would get me disciplined for so why go there other than to spill my guts in a big embarrassing and emotional scene.
There's a book put written specifically for LDS addicts. It's based on the 10-step AAA method for alcoholics. I have it and have been reading it periodically but have decided I need to put it into action in a big way. The problem is that I feel very spiritual most of the time, like I'm really on the right track. Sure, I fail to pray and read my scriptures as regularly as I should sometimes but all in all, I'm doing fairly well. But each time I succumb to this addiction and to the temptation (which is almost worse than succumbing to the actual addiction), I feel like I have to start all over. It's tearing me up! I don't know how I can be forgiven for small and slight offences when I am engaging in self-destructive addictive behaviors regularly!
Now don't get your minds going. It's really not as bad as you might think. It's a small thing that just taints my spirit and I know it's not right. Please pray for me as I struggle through this. I hope that I can overcome myself and with the Lord's help I can. I know I just need to make more of an effort.
p.s. thank you for all of your kind emails and notes of concern about where I am. I really appreciate them. i hope that i become myself again soon. :) Oh, by the way - I'm having another girl.
On a religious front, I'm still doing my best. I'll tell you what - I've had sort of a hard time. Basic building blocks of our religion are really not much problem for me. I struggle with an occasional decaf latte because they are just so darn good but that's really may main transgression...if you don't count my "addiction" which shall remain un-named and that's because no one really likes to name their sins, right?
Let me tell you about it though - in vague terms. I've had this addiction for a long time and never really worried much about it until I started going back to church when I was able to kick it for a good amount of time. It was a terrible temptation though! And I struggled so much with it but had great confidence in my ability to withstand it. But over the past year, it has crept back into my life and I find my resolve to be diminished to a great extent! I resist taking to anyone about it because I don't want to admit my addiction, nor my human frailty - too much pride? Yeah, I think so. But I know that my addiction isn't something that would get me disciplined for so why go there other than to spill my guts in a big embarrassing and emotional scene.
There's a book put written specifically for LDS addicts. It's based on the 10-step AAA method for alcoholics. I have it and have been reading it periodically but have decided I need to put it into action in a big way. The problem is that I feel very spiritual most of the time, like I'm really on the right track. Sure, I fail to pray and read my scriptures as regularly as I should sometimes but all in all, I'm doing fairly well. But each time I succumb to this addiction and to the temptation (which is almost worse than succumbing to the actual addiction), I feel like I have to start all over. It's tearing me up! I don't know how I can be forgiven for small and slight offences when I am engaging in self-destructive addictive behaviors regularly!
Now don't get your minds going. It's really not as bad as you might think. It's a small thing that just taints my spirit and I know it's not right. Please pray for me as I struggle through this. I hope that I can overcome myself and with the Lord's help I can. I know I just need to make more of an effort.
p.s. thank you for all of your kind emails and notes of concern about where I am. I really appreciate them. i hope that i become myself again soon. :) Oh, by the way - I'm having another girl.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A New Calling
I got called today to be the secretary in Young Women's. I'm really excited!
I think this is going to be an excellent calling for me and I'm anxious to find out what will be required of me.
I think this is going to be an excellent calling for me and I'm anxious to find out what will be required of me.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Pregnancy and Spirituality
There's no doubt about it. I've struggled with my spirituality lately. Partly it's because of my pregnancy which has been difficult thus far. I feel sapped of energy so much of the time that there's not much in reserve for extra things. I know this isn't the way I should be looking at my relationship with the Lord so I am doing what I can to turn it around.
I went to the temple about 2 weeks ago and it was such a great experience. I felt so great sitting in the Celestrial room after the session and for the first real time, I was totally at peace there and couldn't imagine where else I could be so content at that particular time. I could use that more on a regular basis.
I've decided that to enable a more increased relationship with the Lord, I'm going to change my reading habits. There are so many amazing religious books available but I'm so obsessed with spending my time reading novels that there's no time to read anything else. So I am going to read a religious book every other book and a requirement will be to finish the book. I start lots of them but never finish one. Right now I'm reading Joseph and Emma, a sort of biography of their life and I am impressed with it. I'm enjoying it very much!
I have lots of growth to be made in plenty of other areas so one thing at a time. I know the Lord has patience with me as long as I'm doing something to move forward in faith. That's definitely easing my mind a little bit.
I went to the temple about 2 weeks ago and it was such a great experience. I felt so great sitting in the Celestrial room after the session and for the first real time, I was totally at peace there and couldn't imagine where else I could be so content at that particular time. I could use that more on a regular basis.
I've decided that to enable a more increased relationship with the Lord, I'm going to change my reading habits. There are so many amazing religious books available but I'm so obsessed with spending my time reading novels that there's no time to read anything else. So I am going to read a religious book every other book and a requirement will be to finish the book. I start lots of them but never finish one. Right now I'm reading Joseph and Emma, a sort of biography of their life and I am impressed with it. I'm enjoying it very much!
I have lots of growth to be made in plenty of other areas so one thing at a time. I know the Lord has patience with me as long as I'm doing something to move forward in faith. That's definitely easing my mind a little bit.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
And Now For Some Good News
I'm pregnant people!!!!
Everything with Todd has been awesome lately. Everyone's prayers have helped me so much! I'm so blessed to finally to be blessed with my other child. I've always known there was another waiting there for me. It just makes me cry when I think how I've been blessed!
Thank you for all of your kind words!
I'm due February 20th. You may follow along here.
Everything with Todd has been awesome lately. Everyone's prayers have helped me so much! I'm so blessed to finally to be blessed with my other child. I've always known there was another waiting there for me. It just makes me cry when I think how I've been blessed!
Thank you for all of your kind words!
I'm due February 20th. You may follow along here.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
To An Old Friend
Dear Karen,
Don't think I've forgotten you. How could I do that? You were my Mia Maid advisor 20 years ago but I can see your face in my mind like it was yesterday.
How could I forget all that you did for me? You took care of me, mothered me, took me in. Cared for me in a way my own mother was incapable of doing.
I know Sarah was only about 6 when I came to stay with you. She had her own room. You displaced her for me. I thought nothing of it when I was 15. Today, as a mother, I realize what you did and am amazed by your charity. Who are you? An angel, of that I'm sure.
Do you realize the effect you'd have on my life? Surely you had an effect upon my life at the time just because of your presence and my physical displacement. But years later, the effect has been even more monumental. What an example you are still to me. And I tell people frequently about my amazing advisor back when I was so conflicted.
But I'd also like to address my adolescent self-centeredness. I am ashamed, humiliated and utterly devastated by my sheer lack of gratitude for all that you did for me. I'm sure not once did I ever tell you thank you or try to dissuade you from doing any of the things you did. So, all I can do now is thank you, from the bottom of my soul. I've not words to express it all. Please forgive me. I don't know why you loved me so much but you did and now I am grateful.
Here's why. You may read this blog and that will tell you more about why I'm grateful than this measly little paragraph. For years, you've been a beacon in my mind of what a wife, mother and true Latter-Day-Saint should be. As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the sacrifices you and your family made for me. I was inactive for many years starting with when I moved to Utah. I didn't become active again until I was 32 and my daughter Natalie was a 18 months old. A large portion of the reasons why I did become active were because of the example you set; how a person can truly love another person unconditionally and without reciprocation. You taught me that and I keep coming back to it.
I'm so grateful to your wonderful family; Dana, Sarah and I believe you had a little boy too although I was too self-centered to notice. You never even asked me to babysit! You took so much time away from your family for me and I'm wallowing in the grief that shame has brought upon me. I pray to the Lord that he can forgive me, and that you can too.
But Karen, I love you. I always have. I did then in my twisted adolescent way. You are a true disciple of Christ and I am eternally grateful that you were where you were at that time. I don't know why you were attracted to me but I am glad you were. Things may not have changed at the time much around our household and I know you tried hard to help, but please know that your example has extended and traversed time and touches me all of the time.
Now, I am a mostly stay-at-home mom to my four-year old. I graduated from the University of Utah in 2004 with a Master's Degree in occupational therapy. I work with children in the school district, and in a local hospital with lots of various patients. I love my work. I am married for the 2nd time (boys always were a weakness, weren't they?) - now for nearly 8 years. My husband's not active and this is a trial but I work through it and persevere (you can read more about that on this blog if you'd like). Additionally, I have had loads of counseling to address anger management so I don't abuse my children and have never touched my daughter in anger, I'm proud to say.
I went through the temple a year and a half ago by myself. I do my best to bring my daughter up in righteousness as well.
I just wanted you to know that you had a worthy cause. But without your example, I'm not sure things would have gone so well for me.
Karen, I don't know if I'll ever see or talk to you again in this life. But I will see you in heaven and am looking forward to seeing your beautiful face again.
With eternal love,
Amy
Don't think I've forgotten you. How could I do that? You were my Mia Maid advisor 20 years ago but I can see your face in my mind like it was yesterday.
How could I forget all that you did for me? You took care of me, mothered me, took me in. Cared for me in a way my own mother was incapable of doing.
I know Sarah was only about 6 when I came to stay with you. She had her own room. You displaced her for me. I thought nothing of it when I was 15. Today, as a mother, I realize what you did and am amazed by your charity. Who are you? An angel, of that I'm sure.
Do you realize the effect you'd have on my life? Surely you had an effect upon my life at the time just because of your presence and my physical displacement. But years later, the effect has been even more monumental. What an example you are still to me. And I tell people frequently about my amazing advisor back when I was so conflicted.
But I'd also like to address my adolescent self-centeredness. I am ashamed, humiliated and utterly devastated by my sheer lack of gratitude for all that you did for me. I'm sure not once did I ever tell you thank you or try to dissuade you from doing any of the things you did. So, all I can do now is thank you, from the bottom of my soul. I've not words to express it all. Please forgive me. I don't know why you loved me so much but you did and now I am grateful.
Here's why. You may read this blog and that will tell you more about why I'm grateful than this measly little paragraph. For years, you've been a beacon in my mind of what a wife, mother and true Latter-Day-Saint should be. As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the sacrifices you and your family made for me. I was inactive for many years starting with when I moved to Utah. I didn't become active again until I was 32 and my daughter Natalie was a 18 months old. A large portion of the reasons why I did become active were because of the example you set; how a person can truly love another person unconditionally and without reciprocation. You taught me that and I keep coming back to it.
I'm so grateful to your wonderful family; Dana, Sarah and I believe you had a little boy too although I was too self-centered to notice. You never even asked me to babysit! You took so much time away from your family for me and I'm wallowing in the grief that shame has brought upon me. I pray to the Lord that he can forgive me, and that you can too.
But Karen, I love you. I always have. I did then in my twisted adolescent way. You are a true disciple of Christ and I am eternally grateful that you were where you were at that time. I don't know why you were attracted to me but I am glad you were. Things may not have changed at the time much around our household and I know you tried hard to help, but please know that your example has extended and traversed time and touches me all of the time.
Now, I am a mostly stay-at-home mom to my four-year old. I graduated from the University of Utah in 2004 with a Master's Degree in occupational therapy. I work with children in the school district, and in a local hospital with lots of various patients. I love my work. I am married for the 2nd time (boys always were a weakness, weren't they?) - now for nearly 8 years. My husband's not active and this is a trial but I work through it and persevere (you can read more about that on this blog if you'd like). Additionally, I have had loads of counseling to address anger management so I don't abuse my children and have never touched my daughter in anger, I'm proud to say.
I went through the temple a year and a half ago by myself. I do my best to bring my daughter up in righteousness as well.
I just wanted you to know that you had a worthy cause. But without your example, I'm not sure things would have gone so well for me.
Karen, I don't know if I'll ever see or talk to you again in this life. But I will see you in heaven and am looking forward to seeing your beautiful face again.
With eternal love,
Amy
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The Newest Prophet
It occurred to me today, as I was reading the Ensign dedicated to last GC that the manner in which President Monson was called as a prophet is somewhat unclear to me.
In most organizations, to elect a new President, a board will vote or already have a method for inducting a new President into his role.
In our church, a Prophet is called of God. And I believe this and I'm not questioning it but I'm merely looking at the logistics of all this in a way I never have before. And it's become clear to me why it is so important for each member to hit their knees to have their own revelation that the new Prophet is indeed the one called of God.
President Monson likely received his own revelation but it would be a little presumptuous for him to stand up and say, "Hey you guys, I've been called of God - believe it!". All of the members of the First Presidency would have all had to have their own revelations, and then come together to compare notes to ensure that they were all on the same page.
I marvel at the faith this must take in order to make such a big decision! And I am feeling now that I should receive my own revelation; something I haven't done yet because I merely took for granted that they were right. But that's not the point, is it? All of the members of the church need to know - or else no one knows.
I appreciate that so much! Now if only would could elect our nations' leaders like that perhaps we'd have less conflicts. I might be on to something there!
In most organizations, to elect a new President, a board will vote or already have a method for inducting a new President into his role.
In our church, a Prophet is called of God. And I believe this and I'm not questioning it but I'm merely looking at the logistics of all this in a way I never have before. And it's become clear to me why it is so important for each member to hit their knees to have their own revelation that the new Prophet is indeed the one called of God.
President Monson likely received his own revelation but it would be a little presumptuous for him to stand up and say, "Hey you guys, I've been called of God - believe it!". All of the members of the First Presidency would have all had to have their own revelations, and then come together to compare notes to ensure that they were all on the same page.
I marvel at the faith this must take in order to make such a big decision! And I am feeling now that I should receive my own revelation; something I haven't done yet because I merely took for granted that they were right. But that's not the point, is it? All of the members of the church need to know - or else no one knows.
I appreciate that so much! Now if only would could elect our nations' leaders like that perhaps we'd have less conflicts. I might be on to something there!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
An Inspiration
I haven't blogged here for a long time although I've thought of it many times. So many inspirational moments happen but I get distracted...you know.
But I wanted to document something that happened yesterday so I'd not ever forget.
I'd had a hard Saturday. Fight with hubby and then just a rather emotional rest of the day of which I won't go into here. So I decided to fast on Sunday for some extra help through what I was dealing with.
Turns out, because Ward conference is this coming week, Fast Sunday was moved up a week so I ended up fasting...on Fast Sunday. Imagine that! I didn't know that previously because it had been a couple of weeks since I'd been able to come.
Now we all know how much I love fasting (I really do!) and so it was no biggie but I was really in need of the Spirit that day and was desperate for my tank to be filled.
My daughter and I sat in the pulpit as people went up and bore their testimonies. It was pretty typical of any other Fast Sunday. I have to add that I bore my testimony last month and perhaps that may be part of what piqued my daughter's curiosity but a couple kids went up and spoke and that always catches another kid's attention. She told me she wanted to go up there.
At first, I brushed her off, trying to discourage her because it meant I'd have to go up there too, and I just really wasn't feeling up to it. But as I sat there, I realized that to discourage her first request to do something so great would be to sabotage her. So I asked her if she really wanted to go up, and she said yes! We waited until the man that was up there was finished and she ran up there, very excited.
She's only about 3' tall so the podium had to come ALL the way down and then she still couldn't see over it. I leaned over and said in her ear,
"I'd like to bear my testimony." She repeated it. I leaned up to say something else, and she leaned down and kissed me again and again in front of everyone. I was trying to talk in her ear and she kept kissing me. It was so sweet.
I finally got to say the next thing,
"I love Jesus," and then,
"I love my Mom and Dad."
I had thought of a few more things to say but by this time, I was having a hard time not crying because I was so overwhelmed with the Spirit that I couldn't go on. I said,
"In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." As we walked off the stage, my eyes were tearing up.
My daughter is 3.
But I wanted to document something that happened yesterday so I'd not ever forget.
I'd had a hard Saturday. Fight with hubby and then just a rather emotional rest of the day of which I won't go into here. So I decided to fast on Sunday for some extra help through what I was dealing with.
Turns out, because Ward conference is this coming week, Fast Sunday was moved up a week so I ended up fasting...on Fast Sunday. Imagine that! I didn't know that previously because it had been a couple of weeks since I'd been able to come.
Now we all know how much I love fasting (I really do!) and so it was no biggie but I was really in need of the Spirit that day and was desperate for my tank to be filled.
My daughter and I sat in the pulpit as people went up and bore their testimonies. It was pretty typical of any other Fast Sunday. I have to add that I bore my testimony last month and perhaps that may be part of what piqued my daughter's curiosity but a couple kids went up and spoke and that always catches another kid's attention. She told me she wanted to go up there.
At first, I brushed her off, trying to discourage her because it meant I'd have to go up there too, and I just really wasn't feeling up to it. But as I sat there, I realized that to discourage her first request to do something so great would be to sabotage her. So I asked her if she really wanted to go up, and she said yes! We waited until the man that was up there was finished and she ran up there, very excited.
She's only about 3' tall so the podium had to come ALL the way down and then she still couldn't see over it. I leaned over and said in her ear,
"I'd like to bear my testimony." She repeated it. I leaned up to say something else, and she leaned down and kissed me again and again in front of everyone. I was trying to talk in her ear and she kept kissing me. It was so sweet.
I finally got to say the next thing,
"I love Jesus," and then,
"I love my Mom and Dad."
I had thought of a few more things to say but by this time, I was having a hard time not crying because I was so overwhelmed with the Spirit that I couldn't go on. I said,
"In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." As we walked off the stage, my eyes were tearing up.
My daughter is 3.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I Can't Believe It
It's been nearly a month since I posted here. Sorry about that!
This weekend, I went to a Family History Fair they had here in Bountiful at the High School. It was so fantastic. I had a terrific time! I know, you're thinking...how boring! Well, it might be if you haven't yet been bitten by the bug. Honestly, I've been bitten a lot earlier than most people (like by about 30 years! lol) but it's alright. I was okay with being the youngest person (by a long shot) there!
If you've ever been to Women's Conference at BYU, it was a lot like that, just on a much smaller scale. For a beginner, it might have all been pretty overwhelming but I've been pretty involved in Family History now for a couple of years and feel like I've advanced beyond the newbie status.
A few things I thought I'd pass along:
The church has slowly been rolling out New Family Search. If you don't live in Utah, chances are, you might already have access to it at your Family History centers. Here in Utah, since we have access to so many temples, they're rolling us out last. It will soon be available just by logging on to www.familysearch.org
New Family Search will enable us to be virtually "on-line" with the church's system. TempleReady will be discontinued and we can check in real-time whether a person has received various ordinances. The middle man is gone!
Additionally, if you purchase RootsMagic (about $20) you can upload your "gedcom" or "paf" file and it will automatically search through the church's system to match up people (all with your authorization) and check for ordinances too. I bought this software yesterday and am glad I did!
I learned so much at this conference! If you think you might someday be interested in doing genealogy, I recommend you attend one of these if at all possible. Sign up for beginner courses and a few relative to your ancestry for further information (haha, little play with words).
This weekend, I went to a Family History Fair they had here in Bountiful at the High School. It was so fantastic. I had a terrific time! I know, you're thinking...how boring! Well, it might be if you haven't yet been bitten by the bug. Honestly, I've been bitten a lot earlier than most people (like by about 30 years! lol) but it's alright. I was okay with being the youngest person (by a long shot) there!
If you've ever been to Women's Conference at BYU, it was a lot like that, just on a much smaller scale. For a beginner, it might have all been pretty overwhelming but I've been pretty involved in Family History now for a couple of years and feel like I've advanced beyond the newbie status.
A few things I thought I'd pass along:
The church has slowly been rolling out New Family Search. If you don't live in Utah, chances are, you might already have access to it at your Family History centers. Here in Utah, since we have access to so many temples, they're rolling us out last. It will soon be available just by logging on to www.familysearch.org
New Family Search will enable us to be virtually "on-line" with the church's system. TempleReady will be discontinued and we can check in real-time whether a person has received various ordinances. The middle man is gone!
Additionally, if you purchase RootsMagic (about $20) you can upload your "gedcom" or "paf" file and it will automatically search through the church's system to match up people (all with your authorization) and check for ordinances too. I bought this software yesterday and am glad I did!
I learned so much at this conference! If you think you might someday be interested in doing genealogy, I recommend you attend one of these if at all possible. Sign up for beginner courses and a few relative to your ancestry for further information (haha, little play with words).
Sunday, February 10, 2008
A Talk With The Bishop
After receiving a comment on my last post regarding discussing my "decision" with my bishop, I scheduled an appointment and spoke with him today.
I gave him all of the history, although he has most of it, and my thought process of how I came to my decision. I mentioned the blessings I receive each time I feel I just can't continue.
I just wanted to let you all know that he plans to pray about it and he'll get back with me. He says that my logic is good and that it sounds like a righteous decision. I was comforted by that even if I really wish someone would tell me..."JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELF" even if it isn't the right thing in this situation.
On another note, today was Ward Conference and our Stake President was there to do a talk. He's the same one who, during my temple recommend interview, cautioned me with a smile to "stay away from de-caf". This, after asking whether I drink coffee, my daughter (who I had to bring with me) pipes up in her 2 year-old voice and said, "she drinks coffee!" I have a cup of de-caf every now and then. But lately, it's been like every other day instead. I DO love a latte on a cold morning, and we've had more than our share of snow lately. To get to it though, whenever I see him, I just remember those, of all words and the guilt just starts eating at me! It was then that I realized just how much I've been drinking which leads me to how many nights I've gone without an evening prayer.
My point is that it's so easy to lose focus. It's the whole "clinging" vs. "holding" onto the iron rod thing again. Am I a "clinger"?
I gave him all of the history, although he has most of it, and my thought process of how I came to my decision. I mentioned the blessings I receive each time I feel I just can't continue.
I just wanted to let you all know that he plans to pray about it and he'll get back with me. He says that my logic is good and that it sounds like a righteous decision. I was comforted by that even if I really wish someone would tell me..."JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELF" even if it isn't the right thing in this situation.
On another note, today was Ward Conference and our Stake President was there to do a talk. He's the same one who, during my temple recommend interview, cautioned me with a smile to "stay away from de-caf". This, after asking whether I drink coffee, my daughter (who I had to bring with me) pipes up in her 2 year-old voice and said, "she drinks coffee!" I have a cup of de-caf every now and then. But lately, it's been like every other day instead. I DO love a latte on a cold morning, and we've had more than our share of snow lately. To get to it though, whenever I see him, I just remember those, of all words and the guilt just starts eating at me! It was then that I realized just how much I've been drinking which leads me to how many nights I've gone without an evening prayer.
My point is that it's so easy to lose focus. It's the whole "clinging" vs. "holding" onto the iron rod thing again. Am I a "clinger"?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Divorce and Other Options
I really wanted to talk about my marriage for a minute. Just get it out there:
I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.
I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.
I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.
So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.
My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.
I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.
I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.
I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.
So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.
My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
My Testimony
I've gone on and on on this blog about my experiences; I've shared a lot of how I feel, what's come about in my life and I've gone into detail about various aspects of living as a mormon, and the blessings I receive as I try to live the way God has asked us to.
But I've never shared my testimony. Here. And now I think it's time.
I don't know who will read this but I hope that whoever does, it will touch and you will understand that what I have is holy. What I have is something I have worked hard to get. It was not free. I do not take it for granted. It is not a cheap possession. It is valued more than any other thing I have because without it, I literally would have nothing - and that is literal.
I believe in God. He is a sweet man who has a hug that feels like your insides will fly apart out of sheer joy. I believe he wept when he told his son that a sacrifice was necessary. I believe in Jesus. I believe that in Gethsemane he endured every single temptation we have ever bore. And he withstood them. And for that I can't even express my gratitude. Because if he had succumbed, the balance would have tipped and we would have fallen off the scale.
I believe in fasting. Fasting, for me, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to us. I have received so many miracles, yes miracles, from fasting that I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to fast. I love it. I love how close I feel to Him, and I can feel him comforting me. I can. I promise. I have fasted a lot and it's where my strongest testimony lies. If I'm ever in need, ever in doubt...if I ever need more...I fast and I receive. It's that simple.
I believe in The Promise. There's something awesome waiting for us. He's asked some hard things from us, yes. But if I can receive all I do from just not eating for 24 hours, then what am I going to receive from doing all he asks for my whole life? It's inconceiveable. I believe it. I want it, whatever it is. I have a feeling of surety inside of me that can't be torn down. No one can convince me - I would live in hell for my whole life to have what I know is waiting. I'm that sure.
I can't be swayed. The most important person in my life tries to sway me everyday and can't. That should tell you something. I know where I'm headed. I have eyes set forward, my feet are on the road and a steady hand guides my every move. I know where I'm headed. Do you?
But I've never shared my testimony. Here. And now I think it's time.
I don't know who will read this but I hope that whoever does, it will touch and you will understand that what I have is holy. What I have is something I have worked hard to get. It was not free. I do not take it for granted. It is not a cheap possession. It is valued more than any other thing I have because without it, I literally would have nothing - and that is literal.
I believe in God. He is a sweet man who has a hug that feels like your insides will fly apart out of sheer joy. I believe he wept when he told his son that a sacrifice was necessary. I believe in Jesus. I believe that in Gethsemane he endured every single temptation we have ever bore. And he withstood them. And for that I can't even express my gratitude. Because if he had succumbed, the balance would have tipped and we would have fallen off the scale.
I believe in fasting. Fasting, for me, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to us. I have received so many miracles, yes miracles, from fasting that I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to fast. I love it. I love how close I feel to Him, and I can feel him comforting me. I can. I promise. I have fasted a lot and it's where my strongest testimony lies. If I'm ever in need, ever in doubt...if I ever need more...I fast and I receive. It's that simple.
I believe in The Promise. There's something awesome waiting for us. He's asked some hard things from us, yes. But if I can receive all I do from just not eating for 24 hours, then what am I going to receive from doing all he asks for my whole life? It's inconceiveable. I believe it. I want it, whatever it is. I have a feeling of surety inside of me that can't be torn down. No one can convince me - I would live in hell for my whole life to have what I know is waiting. I'm that sure.
I can't be swayed. The most important person in my life tries to sway me everyday and can't. That should tell you something. I know where I'm headed. I have eyes set forward, my feet are on the road and a steady hand guides my every move. I know where I'm headed. Do you?
Tithing Settlement & Callings
...a relatively new concept for me. That I'm even paying tithing is highly sensitive information. I shred all receipts and even tear out the carbon from my checkbook 'lest my hubby finds it.
I didn't sign up for my tithing settlement mainly because I had no idea what it was. Honestly, I was worried about what I'd say. Here I am with a temple recommend, wearing my garments proudly and trying to be a "good mormon" but I have to say truthfully that there was about 3 times that I did not pay this year. I had every intention of doing so but then just didn't. And I didn't want to have to confess it. And, I've never been to a tithing settlement so I didn't know what went on in there and I was nervous. Hmm, sounds like Satan's hand here on retrospect.
So, embarrassingly enough, I got pulled out of Sunday School by the Bishop this past Sunday because he was worried that I didn't sign up because I didn't want to come at a time that would disrupt things at home. What a nice guy. He'd even instructed his...I dont' know what to call them...guys not to call me and leave me a message at my house about it - now that's sensitive!
I told him I wasn't a full tithe payer because there were a few times I didn't pay. I told him I'd had a rough year trying to be faithful on my own and that things at home were still pretty rotten, all truths. I also told him I had no way of accounting for the tithing I'd paid because I got rid of all of the "evidence". I felt bad when he appeared to feel sorry for me and told me he was going to report me a full tithe payer. Now if that won't get me to pay a full tithing this year, then I don't know what will.
During that meeting, he also told me he was very close to calling me as the Activities Committee Head. I'm already on that committee and I was surpised to hear that I was considered. Turns out, they ended up calling another lady and I can only hope it was because they had prayed and knew it wouldn't have been a good match. I think I would have turned it down. I've been on the committee for about 1 1/2 years and so far, although I've helped organize and set-up nearly all of the activities, I've only actually attended about 1/2 of them due to home stuff or other obligations. That just wouldn't cut it as the Head.
He asked if I would consider another calling - something that wasn't just a Sunday calling. I told him it would depend, so he said he'd think about it. As part of the Activities Committee, I'm also the building scheduler. Last year, I was the scheduler for all 3 of the wards that meet in our building. This year I am just the go-to girl for our ward and the main scheduler has rotated to another ward, thank goodness. I've not even been called as a Visiting Teacher yet which probably has its pros & cons.
I think I could teach Relief Society - that would be fun. It's not like I have to have a lot of knowledge for that since you mainly teach from the manual. I've heard that if you teach, you learn a lot more than if you're just sitting in the crowd. I could benefit from that! But, there's probably not an opening and they likely have something more suitable for me in mind. Considering a teaching position in the Relief Society is pretty presumptious, I think. I've only been active for not quite 2 years.
I didn't sign up for my tithing settlement mainly because I had no idea what it was. Honestly, I was worried about what I'd say. Here I am with a temple recommend, wearing my garments proudly and trying to be a "good mormon" but I have to say truthfully that there was about 3 times that I did not pay this year. I had every intention of doing so but then just didn't. And I didn't want to have to confess it. And, I've never been to a tithing settlement so I didn't know what went on in there and I was nervous. Hmm, sounds like Satan's hand here on retrospect.
So, embarrassingly enough, I got pulled out of Sunday School by the Bishop this past Sunday because he was worried that I didn't sign up because I didn't want to come at a time that would disrupt things at home. What a nice guy. He'd even instructed his...I dont' know what to call them...guys not to call me and leave me a message at my house about it - now that's sensitive!
I told him I wasn't a full tithe payer because there were a few times I didn't pay. I told him I'd had a rough year trying to be faithful on my own and that things at home were still pretty rotten, all truths. I also told him I had no way of accounting for the tithing I'd paid because I got rid of all of the "evidence". I felt bad when he appeared to feel sorry for me and told me he was going to report me a full tithe payer. Now if that won't get me to pay a full tithing this year, then I don't know what will.
During that meeting, he also told me he was very close to calling me as the Activities Committee Head. I'm already on that committee and I was surpised to hear that I was considered. Turns out, they ended up calling another lady and I can only hope it was because they had prayed and knew it wouldn't have been a good match. I think I would have turned it down. I've been on the committee for about 1 1/2 years and so far, although I've helped organize and set-up nearly all of the activities, I've only actually attended about 1/2 of them due to home stuff or other obligations. That just wouldn't cut it as the Head.
He asked if I would consider another calling - something that wasn't just a Sunday calling. I told him it would depend, so he said he'd think about it. As part of the Activities Committee, I'm also the building scheduler. Last year, I was the scheduler for all 3 of the wards that meet in our building. This year I am just the go-to girl for our ward and the main scheduler has rotated to another ward, thank goodness. I've not even been called as a Visiting Teacher yet which probably has its pros & cons.
I think I could teach Relief Society - that would be fun. It's not like I have to have a lot of knowledge for that since you mainly teach from the manual. I've heard that if you teach, you learn a lot more than if you're just sitting in the crowd. I could benefit from that! But, there's probably not an opening and they likely have something more suitable for me in mind. Considering a teaching position in the Relief Society is pretty presumptious, I think. I've only been active for not quite 2 years.
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