I really wanted to talk about my marriage for a minute. Just get it out there:
I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.
I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.
I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.
So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.
My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.
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4 comments:
My heart goes out to you. I understand the trial of deciding if "its" realloy worth it. In fact something happened that Im afraid to say that even My husbands parents said they wouldn't have blamed me if I decided to call it off... but I choose to hang in ther and forgive. It was not easy. Some people make it sound so easy,to forgive. Any how there were a few things after that point that really helped my husband and I in our marrage, and I know every situation is different but I will throw this out.
First I wentand got some councling to deal with the issues that I had this included the mental and emotional abuse I recieved even at times I realized from my husband. Second I was asked to read the color code Book. This book made the biggest change in many ways. it teaches you how to deal with
(people)my husband. What motivates him what motivates me do's and dont's for each personality. The thing I loved about this book was that it was not rocket science.it waseasy to understand (althou sometimes hard to hear) and fairly easy to apply. I have bought this book and lent it out (never to recieve it back ) 5 times now! Now when ever I let it out I make them pay for it first. =) Dont know if this helped but what ever happens god bless you in all the things you choose to do. You have a good heart and the lord will continue to bless you and your family.
I tend to see both sides to any issue, so let me throw in my two cents: First of all, you didn't mention whether you talked to your bishop about what's going on. This is vital for your spiritual and emotional well-being. Second, you need to consider your daughter's impression of growing up in an unhappy home. Frankly-- and this is me-- I think that would be more damaging than if you released your self from a bad situation and started over. I have visions of your daughter growing up, finding out when she's an adult the sacrifice you made and then get ticked off that you took that path. Anyway, bishop. Definitely.
I went through a similiar issue. Three years later, I love my husband. (it got to where I would get migraines every day around the time he woke up.)
There's a scripture in Corinthians about staying with the non-believing spouse for as long as they will have you. I ran across it and realized that God is going to look on how *I* treated my marriage vows.
What also helped me, was trying to find a way to connect with him. And it was hard. Very hard.
I wish you the best.
As I read your "A little history" I felt that a lot of it could have been written by me. Then I read this post and really wanted to get in touch with you. Please email me: diannems@gmail.com.
There are some things I know for sure (gee I sound like oprah now dont I) 1. As a divorcee (who is now happily remarried) I can say this, staying married is easier than getting divorced; not that it is easy, but easier. 2. This is HF asking you to love his son and serve him - whether he deserves and has earned it or not. 3. You will be blessed for honouring your marital covenants - even if its not in the way you expect. I have so much to share with you, please email me so we can talk.
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