I'm Here, I'm Alive - Here's What's Up

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. I'm still pregnant and plan to deliver February 18th via a scheduled C-section. My pregnancy has gone by quickly although it's been hard on my body. Nothing hugely monumental but I'm such a baby about things that the aches and pains have dominated me. That and I've been SO fatigued it's ridiculous. I've really gone into hermit mode whether it be from sheer exhaustion or depression - I haven't decided yet. Depression because it seems that I can't get control of anything I used to have so much control over. So many things are slipping and it's all I can do to keep up the basic necessities of my family.

On a religious front, I'm still doing my best. I'll tell you what - I've had sort of a hard time. Basic building blocks of our religion are really not much problem for me. I struggle with an occasional decaf latte because they are just so darn good but that's really may main transgression...if you don't count my "addiction" which shall remain un-named and that's because no one really likes to name their sins, right?

Let me tell you about it though - in vague terms. I've had this addiction for a long time and never really worried much about it until I started going back to church when I was able to kick it for a good amount of time. It was a terrible temptation though! And I struggled so much with it but had great confidence in my ability to withstand it. But over the past year, it has crept back into my life and I find my resolve to be diminished to a great extent! I resist taking to anyone about it because I don't want to admit my addiction, nor my human frailty - too much pride? Yeah, I think so. But I know that my addiction isn't something that would get me disciplined for so why go there other than to spill my guts in a big embarrassing and emotional scene.

There's a book put written specifically for LDS addicts. It's based on the 10-step AAA method for alcoholics. I have it and have been reading it periodically but have decided I need to put it into action in a big way. The problem is that I feel very spiritual most of the time, like I'm really on the right track. Sure, I fail to pray and read my scriptures as regularly as I should sometimes but all in all, I'm doing fairly well. But each time I succumb to this addiction and to the temptation (which is almost worse than succumbing to the actual addiction), I feel like I have to start all over. It's tearing me up! I don't know how I can be forgiven for small and slight offences when I am engaging in self-destructive addictive behaviors regularly!

Now don't get your minds going. It's really not as bad as you might think. It's a small thing that just taints my spirit and I know it's not right. Please pray for me as I struggle through this. I hope that I can overcome myself and with the Lord's help I can. I know I just need to make more of an effort.

p.s. thank you for all of your kind emails and notes of concern about where I am. I really appreciate them. i hope that i become myself again soon. :) Oh, by the way - I'm having another girl.