Sunday's Blessings...Again

A few talks on Sunday inspired me. Actually, one of the members of our stake presidency ended up having to speak because the regular speaker was sick. He had to run home and get a "recycled" talk so he would have something intelligent to say. It was a great talk! I was so happy to be there!

The premise of the talk was that there are 5 things we need to do to get our "golden ticket" to the CK!

1. Pray daily
2. Study scriptures daily
3. Be humble
4. Be charitable
5. Have a personal testimony of Christ

Easy enough? Probably, if you're not like me and analyze the whole thing to death! I try to do those things but it gets so jumbled sometimes and I know that it's just Satan's way of trying to convalute the simple things in life.

I try to read my scriptures daily. And when I actually have sat down, and got them open it's very easy. I have a very, very strong testimony of, prior to reading, asking for enlightenment, and it's almost as if I have the gift of tongues or something. All of the sudden, everything makes perfect sense and I now I'm being blessed to an enormous extent...right then! It's amazing!

I have a harder time being humble and praying daily. I'm talking to a dial tone sometimes and I know it's because I haven't prepared properly or I'm letting my mind drift. I lose interest. It's sad becuase I know I'm missing a lot of blessings by not being humble enough to spill my heart.

Being humble and charitable are more intangible and nebulous. If we were humble and charitable in all situations, I wonder what that would look like. What would we be like?

About the testimony of Christ part, I know that can't happen in a day. It needs to build over time like a skyscraper. I'm still building my foundation and it's probaly stronger than I think because I've gotten this far on my own.

Again, I'm so so so grateful for Sundays. They are keeping me on track and a blessing in and of themselves. My lifeline! Where would I be without them?

I got a card from a lady at church yesterday. She isn't necessarily a great friend but I was so touched I wanted to document it for the future. Here it is:

"Amy,

The other day, I was thinking about my life and some of the choices I've got before me and you came to my mind.

Your determination and dedication have been such a great example to me. The comments you make in Relief Society and to me personally and the faith which you exhibit give me strength and resolve to do better and to keep a positive attitude.

Please know that I admire you and I also enjoy seeing your beautiful smile.

Thanks for being who you are."

I absolutely do not deserve these compliments. I am doing some hard things but it's not because I'm so awesome or anything. It's because I know I have to pay the piper! I screwed up bad! I spent a lot of good years wasting my body, my health, and my time! All the good things I could have been doing, the better choices I could have made could have put me in a better situation that would have inevitably put my children in better situations. I have nothing to "pat myself on the back" for, literally! I'm "coming to Jesus", "paying the piper", "suckin' it up", "eatin' crow!" It's easy to admit because it's so true; somebody's gotta pay the price and this time, it's me!

Little Funk

Haven't posted anything for a while mainly because I'm in a little slump.

When I was a new convert, so many blessings were flooding into my life, and I was working hard to be diligent and the sacrifices and changes I was making were causing my focus to go upward. Lately however, I have less conflict in my marriage (much less), and my old habits are starting to form. Not things like coffee or beer or anything like that. Just more subtle things like my selfishness, not praying like I was, having to really nudge myself to read my scriptures each day. Things like that.

I still am going to church each Sunday and without that, I'd stagnate, for sure. It really is my lifeline right now. It's what keeps me motivated, and I'm sure it was designed to be that way. I have started to read an autobiography of one of my great-great-great-great grandfathers, John Lowe Butler. He happened to be one of Joseph Smith's bodyguards and was a sort of Porter Rockwell type. I am hoping that when I'm able to see the sacrifices that he and his family made, it will inspire me to be more faithful.

Regardless of all I'm currently going through, I still do have a strong testimony of this gospel and I don't think that will ever change. I think I'm going through what is probably a very common ebb & flow. I hope that it will soon pass and I will be on the upswing as that is a far more desirable feeling than this one of not feeling like I'm doing all of the right things.

Another Funeral...Thoughts & Feelings

Today T and I went to his grandmother's funeral in D. She had suffered from dementia for more than 6 years when she had a strokek and eventually her condition detiorated from there. And although T had vehemently told me he'd never step into another church (LDS) with me again - conveniently when it was my nephew's baptism a few months ago (he doesn't love to do stuff with my family - he hasn't put in the effort to make it important to him), he was there sitting at my side in the ward house in D.

I felt the spirit so strong today and was so happy about it because if I could feel it that strong, then no doubt he could feel it a little by default, right? It was a closed casket until when just the family was in the room and it was opened for final respects. I've been to a few other funerals of temple worthy members but had forgotten they are dressed in their full temple dress, apron and all. As they placed the veil on her head, I was overwhelmed with the fact that she was with her Heavenly Father and the spirit made me catch my breath. I wondered what T thought of her clothing, and the veil, as he looked at her. As far as I know, this is the first funeral he's been to of a temple worthy member.

Later, I wondered how he respond to the talks now that I sat beside him, as a member. They sang, "Where Can I Turn for Peace", which is my favorite hymn. I wanted to sing loudly so he could hear but I found I could only sing parts and I knew he was aware of my tears. Later, his mother spoke and in the latter part of her talk, she spoke of the gospel, its importance in her and her mother's lives; what death meant to members; and the promises we've been made about the hereafter. He was listening although I don't know what he "heard".

At one point in the service, I was so aware of the thinness of the veil and felt myself so apart from so much of the temporalness of the world. I saw how irrelevant and inane so many things that we spend a great deal worrying about, truly are. I was acutely aware of those that had passed before, and the instantaneous relevations about what is truly real, and what was just of and for this world. I wished my work was done so I could be shed of these cares and move on to what I perceive to be more important. I then realized that whatever it is I'm doing here is more important because obviously it's not done...I'm still here. I pray that my purpose is to have an influence in N's life because if I'm gone, there's no hope for her to be raised in the church. I pray also that I am here to influence T, and hopefully to remain here after he's gone to seal us together.

Later, in the car he asked me how it was possible that his grandmother was sealed to his grandfather after his death. I hadn't realized this was the case and he obviously learned it during the funeral at some point when I had zoned. He seemed upset about it. I said that evidently he had asked her to do it and he disagreed as if it were impossible. He said, "I knew him. He'd never do that and how can he talk to her anyway; he's dead!" I said, "Don't pretend to know all there is to know about everything. You only know what is on this earth." He tried to get me to promise I'd never seal him to me after he died. I was amused because according to him, he doesn't even believe in the afterlife and I said so. He really is funny because he once again, felt himself caught between his heart and his mind and had nothing to say. He finally lamely said he just didn't want people in the future to look back and see his name associated with anything remotely related to the church. I told him that when I die, I don't care if they throw my body into a meat-packing plant. I hope he understood the analogy and got the point about how contradictory his arguments are. What I finally said is that if he never changes his mind at some point, he's going to have to send me a mighty big sign that he wants to be sealed. He said, "don't worry, it'll never happen" to which I just said, "we'll see." What I really wanted to say was, "when you get to the spirit world, let the first thing you do is to go find your grandfather and have him explain why he accepted the sealing.

Now he's very grumpy and even a little hostile and I'm sad but I have a feeling to just let him be. Today was a little bit of overload for him and he needs to process it. If my purpose is to be a good example, I just need to ride the wave.

This Week's Lift

It's true...Sunday is truly a lift for me. Yeah, it's summertime and beautiful and my pool and gardening are so TEMPTING as I strike off for church each Sunday morning but I am always glad I went. Even if I don't see my friends or make my social calls during the meetings. I'm always inspired at some level. Last week it was the 10 Virgins parable and today, well it was everything.

I have really been struggling lately though to tell the truth. Since I realized that conflict was not the best way to approach this situation with Todd, things have become so much more peaceful around here. I am truly enjoying my marriage, and life is good once again. Todd is still negative but the softening is obvious and I wouldn't use the word antagonistic anymore. When we talk, there aren't the hateful words anymore...just an overall negativity which is good seeing as it's only been 6 months since I went to the temple.

Anyway, since I digress easily I'll get back to the point. Conflict...was the glue to my testimony and I hate that. It created such a need in me for the Lord to comfort me. I found myself always turning to him for peace, comfort, understanding because of the animocity that was filling my house. Since that has gone away, so has much of my need for Him, and that's hard for me to say.

I've found myself really, really struggling to remember to pray and read my scriptures each day. Temptation has eased its way into my life in so many ways that I've struggled so much to keep it at bay. Stupid things like not being able to get up in the morning so that I can set my day in order, get my scriptures read consistently...and other temptations that frustrate me always like being patient, kind, and even going to the temple.

Each week I try to find ways to get me back into that groove I fell out of but nothing has seemed to work consistently. I look forward to Sunday each week to give me that boost that I lack during the week. This is what I got from the meetings this week:

Our opening hymn in Sacrament was about Joseph Smith and how he is communing with the Gods now after he struggled so hard in his life. Then, our 2nd speaker discussed Joseph Smith and what an inspiration he was and what sacrifices he made so that we could be where we are. I decided that I need to delve more into the lives of people who have sacrificed greatly to have what I have to perhaps find the inspiration I'm lacking. My feelings were also reinforced that I need to include the Savior in my day-to-day decisions to add an element of spirituality to my "temporal" duties.

Later, in Relif Society, we had a wonderful lesson from a new lady who really did an excellent job. She spoke at length about how keeping God's commandments can bless us. I thought mainly about how keeping the Word of Wisdom has been such a good example of my dedication to the Lord for Todd because he watches me so carefully. He is aware of how difficult it is for me not to have a beer (I LOVE BEER) and to have that cup of coffee each morning (I DOUBLE LOVE COFFEE), as well as some of the other commandments like wearing garments, keeping the Sabbath Day holy, going to church each Sunday etc. I know we've been blessed because of the things I'm doing and I know that some of his "softening" is because he knows that I really do believe and it's not just a passing trend for me.

Beside all that, there's still so much to learn and I am trying to figure out this Sacrament ordiance! I take it, and have Natalie take it; I listen to the words; and try to think of Christ or talk to Nat about Christ while we prepare but I'm so black & white - it's really hard for me to think in symbolism. Am I really clean after I take it? What if I forgot to pray for repentence the night before - what if I did pray for repentence the night before but then right before I left for church, I told Todd he was a jackass (not so kind, right?). It didn't really happen but very well could have! Am I clean then? Should I take the sacrament? If I do, what does it mean? I wanted to bring it up in Gospel Doctrine this morning but I felt like such a greenhorn I didn't. Sometimes people make fun of me for being so black & white.

Anyway, I feel pretty good now. I'm rejuvinated and need to find a biography of Joseph Smith or maybe Emma Smith. Those people gave up way more than I did. He got tarred & feathered for what he believed! That's amazing!

Probably the 2nd greatest thing I got today was that I finally got the strong sense that God is wiser than me...like a parent. He has asked us to obey his commandments because he knows more than us. We may think we know a lot but so do our small children and being grown-ups now, we can see that particular disparity! How can we possibly think we know more than God and that his commandments are not worth keeping? It is wonderful to think that although he can't control people's agency, he will always comfort us when the result turns out bad. In fact, I wanted to write this little thought:

"A child can fall down while walking right beside her father and that doesn't mean her father allowed it to happen. But, being her father, he will comfort her as much as he can and make it alright."

That's our Heavenly Father, and he does comfort me when I'm sad; that much I know.

Later when I got home from church, Todd told me that pregnant mom was found buried in a local national park. We talked at length about the 2 year old who had been home alone for 2 days and how scared he must have been. This isn't fabricated in the slightest: I had the most distinct impression that child was not alone at all during that whole time. In fact, I am 100% confidant there was an actual "being" in the room holding that baby the whole time, caring and comforting him so he wasn't scared. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Jesus wouldn't leave his little child alone like that. It might even have been his mom.

10 Virgins

I've been going back to church long enough to have the lesson of the 10 virgins parable several times. I understand what it means now but each lesson is no less profound for me. Today though I feel like some good information was added to it and I wanted to get it down. Whenever we're talking about the amount of lamp oil the girls have, it is to indicate each virgin's level of preparedness to meet the Savior at the 2nd coming. The parable is to help us understand that we need to be adequately prepared when He comes so that he knows us. Being the personality I am, I so wish it was black & white - that there was a checklist I could carry around so I knew exactly what was expected of me each day in order to "make it". No such luck. I guess I'm not the only person with this problem. That's probably why some other people have said they get scared when they hear this parable.

Mother's Day

I could have done without this particular week. . It's interesting how even after so many good things can happen in one's life, a single event can completely and utterly overshadow all else. That was my week and interestingly enough, it was an terrible event with Todd that overshadowed the rest of a rather good week. It's just that we've had a relatively good past 2 months where it's been tense somewhat but no big blowouts. And then this week was a humongous blowout, and I found out it was because of Women's Conference. I guess he thinks I'm "living my own life" and that's true. And if I were him, I'd feel bad too. And, although I know how much comfort and protection I can receive from the Savior, I sometimes don't rely on him and use the Atonement in this situation as much as I should. But he still helps me, provides me moments of obvious intervention at critical times, that I am so grateful for. We went to our counselor and although Natalie ended up being there as well, we were able to re-connect briefly to help us "shed our fig leaves" for a moment and remember that we are still trying to keep this marriage together.

I did pray while this was going on as to whether staying with him was the right choice. Being without him would be so much easier in so many ways but I kept getting the answer that I need to hang in there. I got the specific feeling several times that this is just a hiccup in a rather slow but steady incline, and to give up now would be like jumping ship after the storm's over. It sure didn't feel like the storm was over this week and I thought it would sure feel good to jump and as hard as it is to stay and be treated the way I am, I think the Lord will take care of this for me. I have to just do what he says - ALL that he says.

I was gone Friday & Saturday to Boise for my Ellen's babyshower. Yes, she's having a baby in 2 weeks - this is her 2nd. Yes, I cried when I found out she was pregnant again because I hate that I'm not the one who is going to have another. I hate that I've made so many bad decisions that have put me where I am. I have built my little house and now I have to live in it. But....I suppose that I have to be grateful that I found the tool to get me out before I bricked myself completely in. I have to have faith that if I do what I know I need to be doing, that he will enable me to have another baby. I do know it's what he wants from me. He will make it happen if I do my part.

I got home from Boise at 11:30 last night and was not able to get up to go to church this morning. I was so tired and Nat needed extra sleep too from that long drive. So we stayed with Todd which was nice for once. He was considerate to me today. We went to lunch then shopping for Natalie's summer clothes; something that Todd would not usually be included in but it was actually a pleasant experience and he let me buy whatever I wanted for her, and even a few things for myself. There was not one harsh word between us so perhaps there is hope.

For the 2nd time in 2 weeks, Todd has mentioned his desire for another baby. He said it today how he needs a little boy to play ball with before he is too old. I'm so scared: as much as I want one, I'm so scared for what our future holds. It's scary enough with just one baby, let alone two. It's so much responsibility for as tenuous as our lives are right now.

Women's Conference

This past Friday, I went to BYU Women's Conference and the theme this year was "Thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this." What an elaborate and well choreographed event this was! I swear there were literally thousands upon thousands of people there just that day. I was very impressed. I went to a few very good lectures. The first was on the redeeming power of the Atonement, the 2nd was about Fasting & Praying, and the third, my personal favorite was about creating harmonious families with less-active members. This latter one I hope to someday find published somewhere because both speakers were excellent! The first one discussed her 50-year marriage to a man who was not a member, and the second described her relationship with her father who had never become a member. This last one was like hearing Natalie talk in 20 years about her father and it struck me like a brick in my head and I just cried. What rediculous and silly choices I have made in my younger years are having such a profound influence upon my daughter!

2 Nephi 2:2
Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

I looked up "consecrate" in the dictionary and it means: to make (something) an object of honor or veneration; hallow

I'm like the next person and have had my share of troubles/challenges/problems etc. And when I read this scripture I can't help but feel built up. It has been a hard lesson to learn that your challenges are with us to make us stronger. The Lord does not give them to us indiscriminantly without purpose. To "consecrate thine aflictions for thy gain" means that he will use them to make us better. HE will use them, not WE will use them. We have to remember that we don't have much to do with it other than to set our own will.

Something someone said at Women's Conference was very interesting and I don't want to forget it. She said that our free will was the ONLY thing we had to freely give away and that's why the Lord wants it. Everything else we have are things he's given to us and can take away at any moment. He is not allowed, by the laws he created, to take our will. If we love him, we will give it to him to prove that we not only TRUST him (it's the whole have a bird, set it free...if it loves you it'll come back dealio), but realize that he knows and wants what's best for us and will guide us if we let him.

So back to the consecration thing. We give up our free will, we let him do the talking. He will make things hard for us and that's when we get to the trust part. We have to trust that the hard stuff he deals out is for our own good. He doesn't want to see us suffer...he wants to see us rise above it, stand taller, be better. He wants us to learn and know that he will be there to support us when the challenge becomes too hard for us alone to bear. After all, we're still only the children of men.