A Talk With The Bishop

After receiving a comment on my last post regarding discussing my "decision" with my bishop, I scheduled an appointment and spoke with him today.

I gave him all of the history, although he has most of it, and my thought process of how I came to my decision. I mentioned the blessings I receive each time I feel I just can't continue.

I just wanted to let you all know that he plans to pray about it and he'll get back with me. He says that my logic is good and that it sounds like a righteous decision. I was comforted by that even if I really wish someone would tell me..."JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELF" even if it isn't the right thing in this situation.

On another note, today was Ward Conference and our Stake President was there to do a talk. He's the same one who, during my temple recommend interview, cautioned me with a smile to "stay away from de-caf". This, after asking whether I drink coffee, my daughter (who I had to bring with me) pipes up in her 2 year-old voice and said, "she drinks coffee!" I have a cup of de-caf every now and then. But lately, it's been like every other day instead. I DO love a latte on a cold morning, and we've had more than our share of snow lately. To get to it though, whenever I see him, I just remember those, of all words and the guilt just starts eating at me! It was then that I realized just how much I've been drinking which leads me to how many nights I've gone without an evening prayer.

My point is that it's so easy to lose focus. It's the whole "clinging" vs. "holding" onto the iron rod thing again. Am I a "clinger"?

Divorce and Other Options

I really wanted to talk about my marriage for a minute. Just get it out there:

I'm not really sure I'm in love with my husband anymore.

I mean, how long can you be treated like dirt and still feel love for someone? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sticking with it. Many non-mormon women would say it is really unhealthy and co-dependent of me to say what I'm about to say, but I don't care what they say or think.

I was really upset one night about some stuff that had happened and I went for a long drive to think. I went through all the pro's and cons for staying here and/or leaving. I prayed. What it came down to is my daughter's spiritual education. If I allow myself to leave him for my own happiness, I will be likely allowing another woman to come into my daughter's life. This woman (my husband's new wife) would absolutely not be LDS and would be a new influence in my daughter's life. An influence franky, that she doesn't need. Here, in this home with the three of us, I at least have 1/2 of the control about what goes on in her life. The moment another woman is added, I lose a certain percentage like it or not. I can't have that. I know this is what the Lord wants for us and so I'm staying. When she's grown and moved on, I will decide at that point, what I'll do with my life.

So, that conclusion happened about 3 months ago and believe me, it's awful sometimes trying to see it through. But sometimes things can be really good and they usually follow a time that is horendous. And I have to stop and remember the verse in 1st Nephi about how the Lord will make a way for us if we're indeed doing what he wants us to do. And I realize that the times when things are easier are the oasis that I can look forward to over the years as I pull myself through what needs to be done for my daugher's salvation. It's that simple.

My sister says 15 years is a long time - and if you look at it that way, then yes. It is. But I'm not looking at it that way. 15 years will go by so fast and I won't even be 50. Plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life if it comes to that. What I pray for is that I will fall back in love with him sometime in the next 15 years.