Another Fast Sunday

I didn't go to church last Sunday which was bad, bad, bad. Knowing myself the way I do, I should know that going each week is like hitting the gas station. I need that fill-up!

So by this Sunday, I was ready to quit entirely, isn't that so bad? I'm so tired of all the crap with my husband. It's as if he's got a license to be a jerk whenever he feels like it, and whenever I call him on it, he just reacts as if everything he's doing, I should expect, and that I deserve it too. I'm so tired of it...so so tired!

The worst thing is knowing that if I did stop going to church, he would be like a new man! He would start treating me SO much better and my quality of life around the house would improve monumentally. It's such a temptation, believe me!

But if I haven't given up yet, no sense in doing it now. My little "oil lamp" has gone a little dry in recent months from my lack if diligence, something I am stridently working on.

But today's Fast Sunday, and Testimony Meeting were amazing. I didn't want to fast today, interesting especially considering how much I love to fast. No, I don't love to fast, but I love the blessings. They're truly awesome. I couldn't have been the only person to feel the almost palpable spirit in that room today. I cried so hard I thought I was making a scene. I caught the lady sitting across the aisle from me watching me carefully - especially since I was so caught up in my own emotions, I wasn't really watching my daugher as she caroused like she was at a birthday party. Ooops.

Then, later in Sunday School, our teacher made a comment that struck me so hard. I was still feeling the spirit very strong so when she made a referral to Heavenly Father, it caused me to think of him in a new way. I found myself comparing him to the most loving person I've ever met, and then knowing he's even more so. I've often found it difficult to visualize who I am praying to, but with this new representation, I am much more at ease. I prayed later with this thought in my head and I literally felt as if I was finally talking to a friend, someone who wanted to hear me, was interested in all I had to say, wanted to comfort me and wanted to forgive me for making stupid decisions. It was probably the most profound thing that's happened to me in months. Sadly, as the day wore on and the spirit left, so did part of that feeling but I won't let it entirely slip away. It felt too good.

I've been feeling so empty lately, wondering what the heck my life is even good for. I'm no good at so many things. I spread myself so thin that I never get anything really done. I try to be a good mother and wife, but even there I can't be sure I'm making a difference. But our lesson in SS was on the millenium. It gave me hope to remember that's part of what we're working toward. I so want to be there to do the temple work, and especially to know what it's like to live on this earth for that many years in utter peace. What a thrilling thought! To never worry about the ozone, wars, politics, health insurance, etc. So great!