Putting Things Into Perspective

My oldest sister, who is also my best friend, has never wavered in her faith. In fact, as I've mentioned in previous posts, she is one of the major reasons I've re-converted. Plus, she's been my biggest supporter.

Just the other day, she mentioned to me that her spirituality has been waning lately because she knows she's not been doing the things consistently that enable her to have the spirit with her all of the time. I asked her what she meant, thinking it would be something like not thinking of others as much, not being as charitable or not preparing adequatetly for the sacrament. These things, to me, are above my radar at this point as I'm still working on the fundamentals and basics; that's my opinion anyway. Not like I don't try to be charitable and all, I just don't use it as a guage for my spirituality.

You know what she said? She said she hadn't been reading her scriptures or praying every day. She said it just like that. And you could have knocked me over with a feather!

If someone of her spiritual depth- there's no other way to put it, is having difficulty with what I consider to be the very fundamental cornerstones of having a relationship with God, then well...I should really be less hard on myself!

I sit in church sometimes and look around at all the people that are there, thinking that surely lifetime members such as these, with such religious ferver must absolutely be at least reading scriptures and saying prayers daily. I never dreamed that it wouldn't be the case - or that might be a challenging area for even devout members.

I was humbled too. If someone like my sister struggles with the same things that I struggle with, then maybe I've got less work to do than I thought to be close to God. Perhaps I'm not as far back on the path as I thought I was. And perhaps I can muddle through a little bit longer.

It's sad but her challenges brought great hope to me.

The Challenge

We were challenged to submit 5 names for temple ordinances this year. I have been faithfully doing genealogy for a year and a half but so far, have yet to get any names organized to submit...until today. Well, that's not true. I actually submitted then about a month ago but today, I got the cards out and organized them so that the baptisms could be done. There were 10 female names, and 15 male names, along with a couple sealing. Plus, I downloaded about 30 more names from my recent, and very fruitful, trip to see my great-Aunt who had a pedigree chart clear back to the early 1700's on one line. So, I have met my challenge.

For last year's challenge, I was 3 months late in finishing the Book of Mormon, but I did finish. This year, I will have finished the New Testament and I'm only about 4 chapters away. It was a goal this year, and I'm happy to have achieved it. Next year's goal will be more difficult...The Old Testament. Do you feel my pain?

Another Fast Sunday

I didn't go to church last Sunday which was bad, bad, bad. Knowing myself the way I do, I should know that going each week is like hitting the gas station. I need that fill-up!

So by this Sunday, I was ready to quit entirely, isn't that so bad? I'm so tired of all the crap with my husband. It's as if he's got a license to be a jerk whenever he feels like it, and whenever I call him on it, he just reacts as if everything he's doing, I should expect, and that I deserve it too. I'm so tired of it...so so tired!

The worst thing is knowing that if I did stop going to church, he would be like a new man! He would start treating me SO much better and my quality of life around the house would improve monumentally. It's such a temptation, believe me!

But if I haven't given up yet, no sense in doing it now. My little "oil lamp" has gone a little dry in recent months from my lack if diligence, something I am stridently working on.

But today's Fast Sunday, and Testimony Meeting were amazing. I didn't want to fast today, interesting especially considering how much I love to fast. No, I don't love to fast, but I love the blessings. They're truly awesome. I couldn't have been the only person to feel the almost palpable spirit in that room today. I cried so hard I thought I was making a scene. I caught the lady sitting across the aisle from me watching me carefully - especially since I was so caught up in my own emotions, I wasn't really watching my daugher as she caroused like she was at a birthday party. Ooops.

Then, later in Sunday School, our teacher made a comment that struck me so hard. I was still feeling the spirit very strong so when she made a referral to Heavenly Father, it caused me to think of him in a new way. I found myself comparing him to the most loving person I've ever met, and then knowing he's even more so. I've often found it difficult to visualize who I am praying to, but with this new representation, I am much more at ease. I prayed later with this thought in my head and I literally felt as if I was finally talking to a friend, someone who wanted to hear me, was interested in all I had to say, wanted to comfort me and wanted to forgive me for making stupid decisions. It was probably the most profound thing that's happened to me in months. Sadly, as the day wore on and the spirit left, so did part of that feeling but I won't let it entirely slip away. It felt too good.

I've been feeling so empty lately, wondering what the heck my life is even good for. I'm no good at so many things. I spread myself so thin that I never get anything really done. I try to be a good mother and wife, but even there I can't be sure I'm making a difference. But our lesson in SS was on the millenium. It gave me hope to remember that's part of what we're working toward. I so want to be there to do the temple work, and especially to know what it's like to live on this earth for that many years in utter peace. What a thrilling thought! To never worry about the ozone, wars, politics, health insurance, etc. So great!