Had a new development on the Todd front today. Some days are marital set-backs but we've been doing well for the past couple of weeks which is a change. Todd has been increasingly frustrated with my financial management set of skills, or lack of skills to put it better and so recently, took "control" of the money. He put it all in a little account that I don't have access to, and said he'd pay the bills. Yes, all of the little issues this behavior raises are not lost on me and I do feel like a child who'se butt has been spanked. So I work and I make money that only I have access to so I get to avoid asking daddy for money if I want something. But it turns out he's no financial Steven Hawking himself. Let me just say there have been problems and so I offered to help out a bit. I've given my services to help him remember when certain bills are due, and last night offered to help pay some of them that were due right now. So I paid them with our billpayer service, on-line whatever and then needed the money transferred into our joint account which is something only he can do because of the password. Well I called him this morning to remind him to transfer the money but he seemed really busy. He asked me if I could do it, and I said sure but I'd need the password to he account. He actually gave it to me. Now this might seem really stupid and petty but we're talking about huge trust issues here. Since the temple thing, he's been so angry and trust hasn't been high on his list of virtues. This gesture he's made is a big step between the two of us working together on something.
I told my counselor tonight that our marriage veered off on a course of its own after I went to the temple and it would never be the same again. You can be scared of change like Todd is but it's obviously going in a positive direction if we can learn how to work together in different and new ways. I trust Todd a little more each day and for the first time in a long time, feel like he's my partner and not my enemy. I know Heavenly Father must love me to continue to help me the way he does. Do I deserve it? No. Am I grateful? Yes.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Every Day New Blessings
It's been over a month since my last post and yet so much has happened that should have been written down. I think of it all the time that I should be writing this stuff down but I get involved in other things, and forget.
I wanted to write down my latest experience with scripture reading. I finally finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time about a week before I went to the temple. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. And right after that I started in on the New Testament. This week, I will finish the gospels so I'm moving right along.
As part of my extensive New Year's resolutions, I decided I would make it a point to read every single day despite all. And for a while I was wondering what blessings this was bringing to my life because I sure wasn't noticing anything. So I decided to stop reading for a whole week, but do everything else the same and see what happened. This is what happened:
I fasted Sunday and decided that I couldn't NOT read because they go hand-in-hand. So I felt great that day.
Monday, I didn't read, but meant to pray but by the end of the day realized I'd forgotten even to pray in the morning. I decided I'd remember to pray the next day.
Tuesday I forgot to pray again until late and promised myself I'd remember to pray the next day.
By Wednesday, I realized that I remember to pray because I do it before I read my scriptures and if I'm forgetting to pray, it's as a result of my not reading....
Thursday, I prayed and didn't read but it felt a little empty.
Friday I forgot to pray again
Saturday I actually wanted to read my scriptures although I can't remember why - I think it was because I missed that "closeness" I feel when I pray and read my scriptures every day.
And by Saturday night my testimony was in place. By failing to read my scriptures, I am not giving myself that mental tickler to also pray and therefore depriving myself of that special nudge each morning to help me remember what it is I want to focus on for that day. My prayers in the morning are typically more extensive than those at night since I'm tired so not only was I not filling myself up each morning, I wasn't praying like I should.
This was all about two weeks ago and since then I am so grateful for the blessings of the scriptures and prayer, especially the combination. If nothing else happens each day, I read...and pray. And when I do, I feel peaceful, focused, grounded. I know what is expected of me, and am prepared to do it. I no longer expect to be edified by every single verse I read. It's a grounding tool for me and I am so thankful for it.
Today was a fabulous day at church. From the moment I entered the building, I felt the spirit and it was SO strong. Each song we sang filled me up, and the speakers during Sacrament meeting were sooo good. Both speakers discussed the atonement and how we can use it in our lives - a topic that is fascinating to me. There are so many facets that I still don't understand but what I do understand gives me such peace and areas for growth. It's amazing how much more even is available to us and yet most of us just barely skim the surface. I read a book recently called "The Peacegiver" - I actually think I might have mentioned it on this blog before possibly, but it talked in great detail about the Atonement and I was astonished at all the levels, and how we can apply it. It truly is a miracle that we are blessed with something so wonderful and likely don't even know to what extent that gift can change or affect our lives.
BTW, update on my better half: I came to a new conclusion (inspired??? - more likely than not) that to pray for contention in my home is asking Satan to live here, more or less. I've been praying for the contention to remain in our home so that complacency doesn't. What I mean is that the longer Todd and I experience contetention, he will be under pressure to analyze his feelings, attitudes, thoughts etc. When the pressure eases up, my belief is that he (like a lot of men I know) will fall back into a comfortable place of complacency and not challenge himself to look at the world in a new perspective. We only really ever do this when we are in a state of agitation, don't we? However, I made a promise to him about 3 weeks ago that I would LAY OFF and how did he say it?...."get off my ass". Hmm. I said okay that I'd try it and then if and only if he was rude, would I get "back on" to stretch his term a little more. As a result of this, shall we call it wisdom, we've had 3 weeks of relative peace! And I feel the spirit sometimes! So my enlightenment that I received today was that this peace is what is going to bring himi around, not the contention. The term "Satan is the father of contention" kept ringing in my head and that's when I realized I'd been going at it wrong. It's truly been lovely to actually get along for an extended period of time. It's been so long since we've had peace.
I wanted to write down my latest experience with scripture reading. I finally finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time about a week before I went to the temple. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. And right after that I started in on the New Testament. This week, I will finish the gospels so I'm moving right along.
As part of my extensive New Year's resolutions, I decided I would make it a point to read every single day despite all. And for a while I was wondering what blessings this was bringing to my life because I sure wasn't noticing anything. So I decided to stop reading for a whole week, but do everything else the same and see what happened. This is what happened:
I fasted Sunday and decided that I couldn't NOT read because they go hand-in-hand. So I felt great that day.
Monday, I didn't read, but meant to pray but by the end of the day realized I'd forgotten even to pray in the morning. I decided I'd remember to pray the next day.
Tuesday I forgot to pray again until late and promised myself I'd remember to pray the next day.
By Wednesday, I realized that I remember to pray because I do it before I read my scriptures and if I'm forgetting to pray, it's as a result of my not reading....
Thursday, I prayed and didn't read but it felt a little empty.
Friday I forgot to pray again
Saturday I actually wanted to read my scriptures although I can't remember why - I think it was because I missed that "closeness" I feel when I pray and read my scriptures every day.
And by Saturday night my testimony was in place. By failing to read my scriptures, I am not giving myself that mental tickler to also pray and therefore depriving myself of that special nudge each morning to help me remember what it is I want to focus on for that day. My prayers in the morning are typically more extensive than those at night since I'm tired so not only was I not filling myself up each morning, I wasn't praying like I should.
This was all about two weeks ago and since then I am so grateful for the blessings of the scriptures and prayer, especially the combination. If nothing else happens each day, I read...and pray. And when I do, I feel peaceful, focused, grounded. I know what is expected of me, and am prepared to do it. I no longer expect to be edified by every single verse I read. It's a grounding tool for me and I am so thankful for it.
Today was a fabulous day at church. From the moment I entered the building, I felt the spirit and it was SO strong. Each song we sang filled me up, and the speakers during Sacrament meeting were sooo good. Both speakers discussed the atonement and how we can use it in our lives - a topic that is fascinating to me. There are so many facets that I still don't understand but what I do understand gives me such peace and areas for growth. It's amazing how much more even is available to us and yet most of us just barely skim the surface. I read a book recently called "The Peacegiver" - I actually think I might have mentioned it on this blog before possibly, but it talked in great detail about the Atonement and I was astonished at all the levels, and how we can apply it. It truly is a miracle that we are blessed with something so wonderful and likely don't even know to what extent that gift can change or affect our lives.
BTW, update on my better half: I came to a new conclusion (inspired??? - more likely than not) that to pray for contention in my home is asking Satan to live here, more or less. I've been praying for the contention to remain in our home so that complacency doesn't. What I mean is that the longer Todd and I experience contetention, he will be under pressure to analyze his feelings, attitudes, thoughts etc. When the pressure eases up, my belief is that he (like a lot of men I know) will fall back into a comfortable place of complacency and not challenge himself to look at the world in a new perspective. We only really ever do this when we are in a state of agitation, don't we? However, I made a promise to him about 3 weeks ago that I would LAY OFF and how did he say it?...."get off my ass". Hmm. I said okay that I'd try it and then if and only if he was rude, would I get "back on" to stretch his term a little more. As a result of this, shall we call it wisdom, we've had 3 weeks of relative peace! And I feel the spirit sometimes! So my enlightenment that I received today was that this peace is what is going to bring himi around, not the contention. The term "Satan is the father of contention" kept ringing in my head and that's when I realized I'd been going at it wrong. It's truly been lovely to actually get along for an extended period of time. It's been so long since we've had peace.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
My Nephew's Baptism - Planning
My newphew, Porter, is getting baptized next Saturday and it's really exciting. He's the baby of a 5 person family and I can't believe he's 8 now! I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday; in fact I was there was he was born. I looked at him before he took his first breath!
So I'm planning on going to the baptism and taking Natalie. She's never seen a baptism before and I've begun prepping her. I'm singing a Primary baptism song and talking to her about it so she gets excited. I know that as soft-hearted as Todd is, he won't be able to deny his little girl one of her fondest wishes. And that when she's ready and old enough to be baptized, he's going to have a hard time telling her "no" if its what she really wants.
Anyway so I was telling Todd about the baptism tonight and he said "I'll pass". It really hurt my feelings because I was planning to go to one of "his" neice's baptisms until it was rescheduled for a time we couldn't go, and now he won't come to a baptism on my side. I think it's convenient that I'm an active member and it gives him an excuse for not going. He said it would be a long time before he ever goes into a church with me again - and that was his reasoning. I told him that I thought it might hurt my sister's feelings that he didn't come. He said it wasn't about her and that he wasn't going to support anyone in the mormon religion doing mormon things.
You know what I think? I think he's selfish. He's willing to sacrifice the feelings of people whom he says he cares about because he's holding a grudge. And all I can say is that if that's the alternative, I'm glad I have the gospel. He is a miserable person who mires in misery. He doesn't let things go, prefering to slog through negativity, bad feelings, and pessimism instead of working to improve your way of thinking, and viewing the world. I am an optomistic person who prefers to look toward the sunshine instead of stand in the rain. I feel bad for him because that's how he wants to live his life. I want to be happy, and I believe he does to but he's too busy being miserable to see that other people are happy - and to investigate as to how exactly they got that way! I'd hoped that I would be a good example to him, and that once he saw how blissfully happy I am, and all the positive changes I'm making in my life, that he would be intrigued and interested in moving in this direction further. But I was wrong, at least at this point.
I fasted again today. I wish I remembered when I started fasting every Sunday but it seems like it's been about 6 months now give or take. I lay there this morning thinking about it and wondered how long I would have to fast for. I decided, when I started, that I would fast for as long as it took for Todd to come to church with us. I knew it would be a long time but I don't think I ever really put a date or timeframe on it. Now, I'm starting to think that it will be a realy long time from now. And I thought of stopping. But at church today, a young girl played a song on the piano. It was a cross-compilation of two songs: "Army of Helamen" and "How Great Shall Be Your Joy", and it was one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I cried while she played. In fact, the next speaker after her could hardly even talk when he stood up because he'd been crying too. It was so amazing! And the words to those two songs were playing in my mind during the piece and it came to me that I was indeed to keep fasting, that it was important that I continue. As much as it is so hard to do it ever Sunday, I feel at peace because I know that I am not alone in it. I pray that the Lord will help me through it and reward me for my diligence eventually. I so want my family to be together in this. It will bring us such peace and happiness. I have to believe that this is a goal worth pursuing!
So I'm planning on going to the baptism and taking Natalie. She's never seen a baptism before and I've begun prepping her. I'm singing a Primary baptism song and talking to her about it so she gets excited. I know that as soft-hearted as Todd is, he won't be able to deny his little girl one of her fondest wishes. And that when she's ready and old enough to be baptized, he's going to have a hard time telling her "no" if its what she really wants.
Anyway so I was telling Todd about the baptism tonight and he said "I'll pass". It really hurt my feelings because I was planning to go to one of "his" neice's baptisms until it was rescheduled for a time we couldn't go, and now he won't come to a baptism on my side. I think it's convenient that I'm an active member and it gives him an excuse for not going. He said it would be a long time before he ever goes into a church with me again - and that was his reasoning. I told him that I thought it might hurt my sister's feelings that he didn't come. He said it wasn't about her and that he wasn't going to support anyone in the mormon religion doing mormon things.
You know what I think? I think he's selfish. He's willing to sacrifice the feelings of people whom he says he cares about because he's holding a grudge. And all I can say is that if that's the alternative, I'm glad I have the gospel. He is a miserable person who mires in misery. He doesn't let things go, prefering to slog through negativity, bad feelings, and pessimism instead of working to improve your way of thinking, and viewing the world. I am an optomistic person who prefers to look toward the sunshine instead of stand in the rain. I feel bad for him because that's how he wants to live his life. I want to be happy, and I believe he does to but he's too busy being miserable to see that other people are happy - and to investigate as to how exactly they got that way! I'd hoped that I would be a good example to him, and that once he saw how blissfully happy I am, and all the positive changes I'm making in my life, that he would be intrigued and interested in moving in this direction further. But I was wrong, at least at this point.
I fasted again today. I wish I remembered when I started fasting every Sunday but it seems like it's been about 6 months now give or take. I lay there this morning thinking about it and wondered how long I would have to fast for. I decided, when I started, that I would fast for as long as it took for Todd to come to church with us. I knew it would be a long time but I don't think I ever really put a date or timeframe on it. Now, I'm starting to think that it will be a realy long time from now. And I thought of stopping. But at church today, a young girl played a song on the piano. It was a cross-compilation of two songs: "Army of Helamen" and "How Great Shall Be Your Joy", and it was one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I cried while she played. In fact, the next speaker after her could hardly even talk when he stood up because he'd been crying too. It was so amazing! And the words to those two songs were playing in my mind during the piece and it came to me that I was indeed to keep fasting, that it was important that I continue. As much as it is so hard to do it ever Sunday, I feel at peace because I know that I am not alone in it. I pray that the Lord will help me through it and reward me for my diligence eventually. I so want my family to be together in this. It will bring us such peace and happiness. I have to believe that this is a goal worth pursuing!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Glen Beck
I was extremely sick last week and while I was, I spent a lot of time on the computer just surfing around wasting time. I visited a lot of blog-sites which is fastly becoming a favorite past-time of mine. I visited a blog that made a reference to Glen Beck and his testimoy. I was confused and followed the link to another blog that discussed Glen Beck being a mormon and how he'd been interviewed by CBS and now his testimony was all over the internet. I followed the link, very interested. I really like Glen Beck and have listened to him for several years in the afternoon on the radio on my way home from work. I never got the feeling from him that he was affiliated with any religious entity, not to mention the LDS religion. Needless to say I was quite stunned when I found out he was mormon. The link dropped me onto the the www.YouTube.com website where the interview could be viewed. It was about 8 minutes long and I watched it with surprise. Yes, he was discussing his conversion, his testimony, his family, his feelings and lots of stuff along that vein. He cried. I was stunned at some of the things he was saying about his faith on national television. He was very brave. Through it all, I felt very near to tears. I felt the spirit so strong while I watched it and was quite moved! While I watched it, I thought, "what a wonderful testament to the gospel," and wondered how anyone who watched it could still be a protagonist to the LDS church. I was so interested to find out how it was received that I decided to read the comments section after. I fully expected to see people responding to the spirit they felt, even if they didn't know that's what it was. But I was again, STUNNED to read HATEFUL, heated, antagonistic, rude, and argumentative comments. Of the 10 or so comments I read, it seemed I only read one favorable blurb. Everyone else was seriously so HATEFUL I wondered if they viewed the same clip I did!
I felt sad for those people. They are so full of the influence of satan that they can't see around those blinders. The spirit they undoubtedly felt while watching the clip was so violently misinterpreted by the advesary that they had to vehementenly object in such a hateful manner so not to be influenced by anything good. I'm not great with words here because I'm just speaking the thoughts that spill from my brain and I don't care if they're articulate or not. But I just think that the advesary has such a clutch on so many people and I cry with shame at the way the world treats our Savior.
You people who are hateful and want only to tear down the mormon religion, you need to understand something! We feel good inside! We are trying only to better our lives! We want to be closer to God whether you believe in him or not - we do! We're not asking that you change! We just want you to understand what your Savior did for you!
One night in Gethsemane (a garden outside of Jerusalem) Christ spent all night on his knees to God. Satan was there with him and tempted him with EVERY SINGLE SIN THAT MAN HAD EVER, AND HAS EVER COMMITTED. That means he was tempted by sex, pornography, alcohol, gold, riches, fame, selfishness and every other single thing that any of you or me has been tempted by. Satan was there causing him to be tormented by these sins but Christ WITHSTOOD them all! How did he do that? I can barely stop from drinking a cup of coffee and yet he stood up to ALL sins! And then, if that weren't enough, to fulfill the natural laws of balance, he allowed himself to be crucified because if we were all able to be forgiven of our sins, someone had to die that HAD NEVER SINNED BEFORE!
And you repay him for these acts of pure selflessness by cursing and saying hateful things about us when all we want to do is be better people. I don't hate you. I feel sad that you can't see what he did for you. You're depriving yourself of a joy that I can't even express to you!
Glen Beck is amazing and quite brave for saying all of those things on national television. I'd like to think I would be so bold. He had so much to lose! His ratings are his livlihood and he didn't care if he lost it! What does that tell you? Are we stupid people? Do you think we would sacrifice all of the wonderful things this world has to offer unless there was something better? HELLO - I think wine is yummy! I think coffee is the drink of angels! But God has more important things for me to be doing and so I listen BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!
I'm just saying that somewhere in your heart, your good angel is talking to you. You owe it to yourself to listen just for a minute to find out if there's more to Christ (and maybe even the mormon religion) than just being a TOOL, whatever that means.
I felt sad for those people. They are so full of the influence of satan that they can't see around those blinders. The spirit they undoubtedly felt while watching the clip was so violently misinterpreted by the advesary that they had to vehementenly object in such a hateful manner so not to be influenced by anything good. I'm not great with words here because I'm just speaking the thoughts that spill from my brain and I don't care if they're articulate or not. But I just think that the advesary has such a clutch on so many people and I cry with shame at the way the world treats our Savior.
You people who are hateful and want only to tear down the mormon religion, you need to understand something! We feel good inside! We are trying only to better our lives! We want to be closer to God whether you believe in him or not - we do! We're not asking that you change! We just want you to understand what your Savior did for you!
One night in Gethsemane (a garden outside of Jerusalem) Christ spent all night on his knees to God. Satan was there with him and tempted him with EVERY SINGLE SIN THAT MAN HAD EVER, AND HAS EVER COMMITTED. That means he was tempted by sex, pornography, alcohol, gold, riches, fame, selfishness and every other single thing that any of you or me has been tempted by. Satan was there causing him to be tormented by these sins but Christ WITHSTOOD them all! How did he do that? I can barely stop from drinking a cup of coffee and yet he stood up to ALL sins! And then, if that weren't enough, to fulfill the natural laws of balance, he allowed himself to be crucified because if we were all able to be forgiven of our sins, someone had to die that HAD NEVER SINNED BEFORE!
And you repay him for these acts of pure selflessness by cursing and saying hateful things about us when all we want to do is be better people. I don't hate you. I feel sad that you can't see what he did for you. You're depriving yourself of a joy that I can't even express to you!
Glen Beck is amazing and quite brave for saying all of those things on national television. I'd like to think I would be so bold. He had so much to lose! His ratings are his livlihood and he didn't care if he lost it! What does that tell you? Are we stupid people? Do you think we would sacrifice all of the wonderful things this world has to offer unless there was something better? HELLO - I think wine is yummy! I think coffee is the drink of angels! But God has more important things for me to be doing and so I listen BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!
I'm just saying that somewhere in your heart, your good angel is talking to you. You owe it to yourself to listen just for a minute to find out if there's more to Christ (and maybe even the mormon religion) than just being a TOOL, whatever that means.
Death
Likely it will come as little surprise to my readers that I live in Utah. Specifically I live in Salt Lake City and was inadvertently involved in the recent Trolley Square shootings. My old neighbor's son, Brad Frantz, was killed along with his girlfriend while at the mall for dinner this past Monday night, February 12th. A young man came in and indiscriminantly began shooting whomever he saw. Unfortunately it was Brad and his girlfriend that he saw, among 3 others that were also killed that night.
My husband and I went to his funeral yesterday afternoon. Over 300 people showed up; the outpouring of support was wonderful. I haven't seen my old neighbors for over a year since we moved out of the neighborhood and wished like crazy the circumstances for seeing them were different. My husband and I have discussed probably a hundred times in the past year about having them over for a barbeque or dinner or something. We feel awful that we never extended the invitation now.
Although I could continue along the lines of discussing Brad and his life, I already did that in my other, less "religious" blog. This one I've strictly dedicated to my faith and haven't shared the website with anyone lest my husband chance to see it and be upset about its content.
I'd like to discuss my feelings about the actual death of my friend, Brad. I'd also like to contrast those feelings to ones I might have had prior to my rediscovery of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I've always been a very tender-hearted person. My heart hurts when I think of the pain of another person. I cry easily and am very emotional. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. I don't care - it's who I am. Music especially tweaks my tear ducts and I always reach for a tissue in church when the music starts. I just can't help it. I've always cried at funerals, and it never mattered whose it was. I've gone to a lot of funerals for people I really don't even know well just to support someone I do know well and always end up crying anyway.
This funeral was for someone I knew well. I enjoyed his company immensely and thought highly of him, even if his values weren't the same as mine. They used to be. We got to know each other because of our late night "beer nights" when Todd and me, June and Steve (Brad's parents) and Brad would hang out in the backyard until 2am getting sloshed and "BSing". I've changed and I'm okay that others continue to live their lives a different way.
Anyway.......so for Brad, someone I knew well, I should have been crying a river! There was no reason why I shouldn't have found it sad beyond belief. This boy was young, only 24! He had just received a wonderful promotion at work, had met a girl whom it sounded like he was quite serious with, and had a 3 year old daughter whom he absolutely adored. Things were going so well for him and it was cut short so tragically! But I didn't cry. I could't make myself!
OK, let's not lie. I did get quite teary eyed when I hugged his mother, June, and when I think about how his little girl won't ever know her daddy. Those things make me so sad I can't hardly think straight.
But I didn't cry for Brad. I just KNOW he's still around. I can feel it! I don't know why this happened to him. I can't explain it. And if I could explain it, it would mean I have knowledge that would blow my inner-sensibilities. It's likely that with that kind of understanding that I wouldn't necessarily need to be here anymore myself! No, I don't understand. What I do know is that he understands now. He's with our Savior! I know he's being educated now; learning about the Plan of Salvation and all the things that he was unable to learn on earth for his progression. He's beyond the veil and is happy. All of his suffering, worries, doubts, fears, inadequacies - they're gone, just like that! How amazing will that be? I have to say, and I sin when I do, that I'm just a wee bit envious of where he is, and that he's been spared of all the world's cruelty. I'm not envious that he doesn't get to participate in the raising of his daughter. I would never willingly give that up, but overall I just think that where he is, is where I want to be!
And so my sadness for him does not exist. How can we be sad for someone who obviously is blissfully happy where he is? What can I possibly be sad for? He has passed into a place where he's surrounded by love, acceptance, understanding and knowledge. I'll save my sadness for his mother who will miss him beyond measure.
If I contrast these feelings to those I'd have had for this same funeral even a year ago, you'd have thought I was a different person. I'd have despaired and been confused, hurt, frustrated, and engulfed in sadness for the loss of opportunities. I'd have been frustrated that in the birth of so many good things in his life, he was jerked so rudely away, and in such a tragic way. It can be seen both ways I think.
By dying in the manner he did, Brad was able to see such love poured out on him. So many people at his funeral saying such wonderful things. I'm sure it touched his heart.
I expressed to Todd how I felt about Brad being alive still, just in another place. He said it was just my opinion. But I felt so strongly about it being the truth that I just said "No, it's not my opinion. It's the truth!" And he didn't say another thing. Sometimes I can just FEEL the spirit in the room when I talk to him and I can only use that to explain why he doesn't feel inclined to "talk back" to me or argue.
All in all, this was such a faith promoting experience for me. I am so at peace and calmed by my faith in the Lord. He can't protect everyone and prevent all bad things from happening. That would go against his entire plan; I understand that. But to know what is waiting for us on the other side is a wonderful gift to hold onto during the trials we face in this life.
My husband and I went to his funeral yesterday afternoon. Over 300 people showed up; the outpouring of support was wonderful. I haven't seen my old neighbors for over a year since we moved out of the neighborhood and wished like crazy the circumstances for seeing them were different. My husband and I have discussed probably a hundred times in the past year about having them over for a barbeque or dinner or something. We feel awful that we never extended the invitation now.
Although I could continue along the lines of discussing Brad and his life, I already did that in my other, less "religious" blog. This one I've strictly dedicated to my faith and haven't shared the website with anyone lest my husband chance to see it and be upset about its content.
I'd like to discuss my feelings about the actual death of my friend, Brad. I'd also like to contrast those feelings to ones I might have had prior to my rediscovery of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I've always been a very tender-hearted person. My heart hurts when I think of the pain of another person. I cry easily and am very emotional. Is it because I'm a girl? I don't know. I don't care - it's who I am. Music especially tweaks my tear ducts and I always reach for a tissue in church when the music starts. I just can't help it. I've always cried at funerals, and it never mattered whose it was. I've gone to a lot of funerals for people I really don't even know well just to support someone I do know well and always end up crying anyway.
This funeral was for someone I knew well. I enjoyed his company immensely and thought highly of him, even if his values weren't the same as mine. They used to be. We got to know each other because of our late night "beer nights" when Todd and me, June and Steve (Brad's parents) and Brad would hang out in the backyard until 2am getting sloshed and "BSing". I've changed and I'm okay that others continue to live their lives a different way.
Anyway.......so for Brad, someone I knew well, I should have been crying a river! There was no reason why I shouldn't have found it sad beyond belief. This boy was young, only 24! He had just received a wonderful promotion at work, had met a girl whom it sounded like he was quite serious with, and had a 3 year old daughter whom he absolutely adored. Things were going so well for him and it was cut short so tragically! But I didn't cry. I could't make myself!
OK, let's not lie. I did get quite teary eyed when I hugged his mother, June, and when I think about how his little girl won't ever know her daddy. Those things make me so sad I can't hardly think straight.
But I didn't cry for Brad. I just KNOW he's still around. I can feel it! I don't know why this happened to him. I can't explain it. And if I could explain it, it would mean I have knowledge that would blow my inner-sensibilities. It's likely that with that kind of understanding that I wouldn't necessarily need to be here anymore myself! No, I don't understand. What I do know is that he understands now. He's with our Savior! I know he's being educated now; learning about the Plan of Salvation and all the things that he was unable to learn on earth for his progression. He's beyond the veil and is happy. All of his suffering, worries, doubts, fears, inadequacies - they're gone, just like that! How amazing will that be? I have to say, and I sin when I do, that I'm just a wee bit envious of where he is, and that he's been spared of all the world's cruelty. I'm not envious that he doesn't get to participate in the raising of his daughter. I would never willingly give that up, but overall I just think that where he is, is where I want to be!
And so my sadness for him does not exist. How can we be sad for someone who obviously is blissfully happy where he is? What can I possibly be sad for? He has passed into a place where he's surrounded by love, acceptance, understanding and knowledge. I'll save my sadness for his mother who will miss him beyond measure.
If I contrast these feelings to those I'd have had for this same funeral even a year ago, you'd have thought I was a different person. I'd have despaired and been confused, hurt, frustrated, and engulfed in sadness for the loss of opportunities. I'd have been frustrated that in the birth of so many good things in his life, he was jerked so rudely away, and in such a tragic way. It can be seen both ways I think.
By dying in the manner he did, Brad was able to see such love poured out on him. So many people at his funeral saying such wonderful things. I'm sure it touched his heart.
I expressed to Todd how I felt about Brad being alive still, just in another place. He said it was just my opinion. But I felt so strongly about it being the truth that I just said "No, it's not my opinion. It's the truth!" And he didn't say another thing. Sometimes I can just FEEL the spirit in the room when I talk to him and I can only use that to explain why he doesn't feel inclined to "talk back" to me or argue.
All in all, this was such a faith promoting experience for me. I am so at peace and calmed by my faith in the Lord. He can't protect everyone and prevent all bad things from happening. That would go against his entire plan; I understand that. But to know what is waiting for us on the other side is a wonderful gift to hold onto during the trials we face in this life.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Gets Better
I noticed that my last post was at 6:45 on Monday. What's funny is that I should have waited and made that post the next day because of what happened even a little later that evening.
We got Nat put to bed and I went back in my office to tidy up and do some filing. All the sudden, here comes Todd into my office and he stands there in the doorway. I figured he was there to put his phone on the charger or something but instead he took my hand and took me into the bedroom. I was so confused and a little nervous. I told him I had my garments on and he said he didn't care.
When it was over, we laid there and he cried and told me how sorry he was for being so hard-headed and stubborn. He said that all I'd said last night made good sense to him and he hadn' felt so happy in several months. He said he'd do his best to try to put all this behind us and that he'd try hard to be a better husband. It touched so so much.
Of course I am realistic. I know that Todd was under the pressure of divorce when he changed his mind. I hated doing that but at least it got us over the steepest part of the mountain. I doubt that Todd will be able to keep all of the promises he made, but I do think he'll try. Things won't be perfect but at least he's my husband again, and that's what I really wanted mostly.
The Lord has provided me a miracle when I was starting to doubt my ability to be blessed wtih more. My faith was diminishing a little bit and then he gave me what I wanted the most.
What I've learned from this is that the Lord is absolutely capable of all things. And if I want my family to be joined together in following the Lord because it will bring us closer together, then if I sacrifice enough, and demonstrate my love and faith to him enough, he will eventually give me what he feels I need. This is a righteous desire. The timing may not be appropriate right now. I still have much to atone for but the time will come when I believe the Lord will feel it proper for my family to receive this blessing. And until this happens, I will continue fasting each Sunday to earn it.
We got Nat put to bed and I went back in my office to tidy up and do some filing. All the sudden, here comes Todd into my office and he stands there in the doorway. I figured he was there to put his phone on the charger or something but instead he took my hand and took me into the bedroom. I was so confused and a little nervous. I told him I had my garments on and he said he didn't care.
When it was over, we laid there and he cried and told me how sorry he was for being so hard-headed and stubborn. He said that all I'd said last night made good sense to him and he hadn' felt so happy in several months. He said he'd do his best to try to put all this behind us and that he'd try hard to be a better husband. It touched so so much.
Of course I am realistic. I know that Todd was under the pressure of divorce when he changed his mind. I hated doing that but at least it got us over the steepest part of the mountain. I doubt that Todd will be able to keep all of the promises he made, but I do think he'll try. Things won't be perfect but at least he's my husband again, and that's what I really wanted mostly.
The Lord has provided me a miracle when I was starting to doubt my ability to be blessed wtih more. My faith was diminishing a little bit and then he gave me what I wanted the most.
What I've learned from this is that the Lord is absolutely capable of all things. And if I want my family to be joined together in following the Lord because it will bring us closer together, then if I sacrifice enough, and demonstrate my love and faith to him enough, he will eventually give me what he feels I need. This is a righteous desire. The timing may not be appropriate right now. I still have much to atone for but the time will come when I believe the Lord will feel it proper for my family to receive this blessing. And until this happens, I will continue fasting each Sunday to earn it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Lord's Blessings
Just as I was considering not fasting every week anymore because I figured I was in for a long haul and it's pretty hard to fast every week, something happened that restored my faith.
My post yesterday described the sad state of my heart; I was so down. I used the "divorce" word and I suppose it worked. Todd came to me late in the evening after the kiddo was in bed and started to talk again to me. He was humble, and quiet and listened to all I said. I talked a lot to him in spiritual terms, explaining so much that I've wanted to say for so long but he was never in the right frame of mind to hear.
I told him I wanted my husband back, and that no, I didn't really want a divorce; I just want to have hope that we will be okay. I felt the spirit so much during that whole conversation and he would have to be made of cement to not feel it too. It was so encouraging.
I had no idea how the conversation would impact actual life and the end of the discussion happened abruptly when he said he was going to bed and "g'night". He came home early today to work on the basement and shortly after, right in front of Nat, he came to me and gave me a big hug. Not only that, but he kissed me on my forehead. He didn't actally say anything but it didn't matter - I knew what he was trying to say. It was so special and amazing and I felt wonderful.
Needless to say, I am not going to discontinue my fasting. In fact, I prayed last night that the Lord not bring absolute peace too soon to my family because once there is peace in our home, there will be no more opportunities to share the spirit with him in heart-to-heart discussions like the ones we've been having. They only occur when we're desperate. I'm willing to make a sacrifice for a greater promise later. I know the Lord can give it to us, and he will. It will just take some more time.
My post yesterday described the sad state of my heart; I was so down. I used the "divorce" word and I suppose it worked. Todd came to me late in the evening after the kiddo was in bed and started to talk again to me. He was humble, and quiet and listened to all I said. I talked a lot to him in spiritual terms, explaining so much that I've wanted to say for so long but he was never in the right frame of mind to hear.
I told him I wanted my husband back, and that no, I didn't really want a divorce; I just want to have hope that we will be okay. I felt the spirit so much during that whole conversation and he would have to be made of cement to not feel it too. It was so encouraging.
I had no idea how the conversation would impact actual life and the end of the discussion happened abruptly when he said he was going to bed and "g'night". He came home early today to work on the basement and shortly after, right in front of Nat, he came to me and gave me a big hug. Not only that, but he kissed me on my forehead. He didn't actally say anything but it didn't matter - I knew what he was trying to say. It was so special and amazing and I felt wonderful.
Needless to say, I am not going to discontinue my fasting. In fact, I prayed last night that the Lord not bring absolute peace too soon to my family because once there is peace in our home, there will be no more opportunities to share the spirit with him in heart-to-heart discussions like the ones we've been having. They only occur when we're desperate. I'm willing to make a sacrifice for a greater promise later. I know the Lord can give it to us, and he will. It will just take some more time.
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